Sell-Out, Part II??

So, after Rudy Giuliani's big loss in Florida (awesome strategy!), the Disgruntled Investor has run up against a bit of a moral quandry.

Rudy clearly is out of the race, and for the Republicans, a smaller field can only be good (you hear that Huckabee and Paul???) All along, my thought was I liked Rudy best, but McCain was a close second.

Well, the Disgruntled Investor cannot support a losing candidate (aside from, you know, real estate investing).

So, as of now, the Disgruntled Investor has officially shifted his coveted endorsement from Rudy Giuliani to John McCain.

John McCain in 2008!!

A System of Jacks and Palances

Today I just wanted to pass along a classic Onion article that's hilarious. Here's the link to it, or you can read it below. Enjoy!

New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances
June 27, 1998

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress.

Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three branches of the federal government–executive, legislative and judicial–with each branch keeping the other two in Jack.

The revised system, which goes into effect July 1, will take some power away from the three branches, and give more direct power to 72-year-old actor Jack Palance.

Specifically, before any bill is submitted before Congress, it must first be reviewed by Jack Palance. If passed by Palance and three-quarters of both houses of Congress, it must then be approved by the president. If signed by the president, it must again be reviewed by Jack Palance.

The Supreme Court then has the authority to call into question the legality of the law, but Jack Palance, in turn, can then overrule the high court if he believes the law is not Palanced.

In order to ensure that Jack Palance's power itself remains Palanced and Jacked, a special clause grants the president authority to veto his decisions, but only if the president can beat the veteran tough-guy actor at bare-knuckled fisticuffs, a feat which has occurred only twice in U.S. history, most recently in 1948.

"The system of Jacks and Palances is integral to the federal government's continued stability," said H. George Francona, Harvard University political science professor. "By tilting the scales of power away from the excesses of big government and placing more control in the hands of the gravel-voiced star of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, we can ensure Jack Palance's continued, central role well into the next century.

"Now you got all your holes dug," Palance said from his Washington, DC, office Monday

Sell-Out

So if I knew how to put audio clips on this, as soon as you started reading this post, you'd hear a trombone going "wah-wahhhhh", as if it was laughing at me.

The Disgruntled Investor, who promised earlier not to watch any more sports this year, has already watched sports. While recovering from some bad oysters (or too many good ones), I watched the AFC and NFC championship games. The reason?

There's not that much else to watch on TV.

Plus, I realized that it's not all sports that were letting me down, just my teams. So, despite laughter and derision from the Disgruntled Girlfriend about this, I've decided to revise my pledge, and just not watch UVA or the Redskins play. I've noticed that it's easy not to watch UVA (they're terrible in sports this year) and the Redskins (didn't make it far in the playoffs, so no accidental watching!). Plus, we're going to get some weiner coach thanks to Chainsaw Dan Snyder's ineptitude.

Anyway, so that's that. Just wanted to provide full disclosure here.

Coast-a Guard-a Coast-a Guard-a Come And Save My Ship!

"Hmm, it looks like the Disgruntled Investor hasn't posted anything in a long time," noted the Disgruntled Girlfriend yesterday.

"Alright, alright, I'll do something, Jesus..." I replied, while also noting that it's not like anyone reads this thing anyway.

"I read it! And the Daves, and Mike, and..."

"Yeah, exactly, who else?"

But, that's kind of a dick comment by me, so for the four or five readers of this blog, here's a bit of a super entry to make up for time lost. Oh, and by the way, I've been pretty damn busy lately - I usually do these things while I'm at work (such as, right now), and I've had a lot of actual work to do, so, anyway.

First off is a great quote I'd like to share from regular reader Mike, who's been featured here before. Mike recently saw "Transformers" and had this to say:

"I finally watched Transformers over the weekend and I really liked it except for one thing that really made me angry and I cant get over. You know the hottie girl in the movie? I looked her up on IMDB and I guess she was 21 when the movie came out. Which is fine. But in her bio it said that she lives with her fiancé' BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN!!!!! What the F! He is my age (ed. note: 86) and he is washed up. How does he get or even meet her? Was she a 90210 fan growing up? Was she like 8 and fell in love him? I'm sorry, I cant get over this at all. Maybe it's like a Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing and he brainwashed her? This has been bothering me since Saturday night, so I had to rant since you liked the movie so much."

Next up comes from a conversation the DG and I had yesterday regarding the Coast Guard and movies. My dad (the Disgruntled Dad?) is a former Coast Guard Captain, so I think this is how the topic came up. Anyway, we realized that there haven't been many movies that featured the Coast Guard in any meaningful way. Sure, it was given star treatment thanks to Ashton ("I Really Just Want To Be Close To You, Bruce") Kutcher and Kevin ("I'll Take It!") Costner in The Guardian, and the DG noted that some movie called, Yours, Mine, and Ours, starring the encouragable Dennis Quaid as a Coast Guard Admiral, apparently exists as well, but other than that I couldn't name a single other Coastie movie.

Anyway, so it turns out there are over 50 movies that feature the Coast Guard, at least in some capacity! I stumbled across this great website, which also has some old movie posters, and shows that even John Wayne has portrayed a Coastie! Crazy, shows how much I know. Anyway, it's an interesting site, check it out.

Alright, I guess that's all I got for now, I'll be better about posting. Probably.

President Awesome Beard and Vice President Mutton Chops

As anyone who follows media coverage of the presidential primaries knows, Mike "Gomer Pyle" Huckabee and Barack "Osama" Obama (alternative nickname, "Dumbo Ears") have secured the Republican and Democratic Party nominations, respectively. This is because Iowa holds all of the necessary party delegates, as evidenced by the large amount of coverage given to such a usually uninfluential state. How did Iowa and New Hampshire, the two most irrelevant states in the United States, get to decide the major parties' nominees? Who knows, but that's the way it is, so you have to suck it up, bitch.

Anyway, so the Disgruntled Investor is disappointed in the two choices we have for president, as he is every year. Even if Michael Bloomberg decides to run, that still won't reverse the fact that the single most important factor in a successful presidency has been missing for about 100 years:

Awesome facial hair.

The only candidate right now who even comes close is Alan Keyes, with a pretty good black man moustache, but it's hardly a consolation to those of us who appreciate a good beard. I'd even settle for some good mid-19th century mutton chops at this point, but, alas, as the Disgruntled Girlfriend tells me, facial hair is out. That's funny, because that's not what she told me earlier...

To prove my point, here are some of the best beards or facial hair on the best U.S. Presidents (who, by definition, are judged by the hair on their faces):

1.) 1880 - Best Hairy Ticket Award - James Garfield (Pres.)/ Chester A. Arthur (VP)


If there was a facial hair Hall of Fame, there would be a bronze statue of Chester A. Arthur outside. I mean, take a look at that incredible mutton chop sideburn stache! Just stellar. In 1880, Arthur ran as the running mate to James Garfield, who had spent many years growing the kind of beard that you would expect a bird to be living in. This beard style enjoyed a brief resurgence following its appearance as Kevin McAllister's weird neighbor in the first "Home Alone."

2.) The Beard That Won The War Award - Ulysses S. Grant, 1868-1877


Some might argue that President Grant's administration was among the most corrupt and scandalous in United States history, but I say the only scandal is that he wasn't allowed to continue his Presidency for the rest of his natural life...and beyond. Grant had a solid beard, with really good coverage. I bring this up because certain friends of mine have problems growing beards. Not that it stops them at all, but when they do try to grow it in, it ends up patchy in certain areas, and they end up looking like lepers or homeless people. Actually, most homeless guys I see have pretty stellar beards as well, so scratch that comparison.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Grant had a really good beard. And he won the Civil War. What did you ever do with your life?

3.) The Rutherford B. Hayes Beard Award...

...Goes to (opening envelope) - RUTHERFORD B. HAYES!!


4.) The *Asterisk* Best Beard Award - Abraham Lincoln - 1860-1865

See, this is why Abe gets an *asterisk, much like Barry Bonds' home run ball. When he ran for (and won) the presidency in 1860, he looked like this. Nothing impressive about that at all, which is, of course, why the South seceded. And why the North was losing the shit out of the Civil War early on. Who can get inspired by that naked weak chin?? (Not that Jefferson Davis had much going on either, to be fair, but at least he looked like Skeletor, and had a little hipster goatee!)

No, the Lincoln Presidency didn't really define itself until he started getting the now recognizable scraggly beard that defined his overall mental patient appearance.

That beard saved the nation. Should be a lesson to all.

5.) Finally, the Last Beard Award - Benjamin Harrison - 1888

No, that's not Colonel Sanders, that's our last bearded President, Benjamin Harrison, who was famous for something called the McKinley Tariff. And, evidently, for killing off the prestige of the beard. Maybe he shouldn't get an award.

-Honorary Still Holding On Award - William Henry Taft - 1908

Taft was our last President with facial hair...OF ANY KIND! He's got a really good Wild West villain moustache, which gets him this honorary award. Plus, he was our fattest President, which is pretty great as well.

But, seriously, it's been 100 years since facial hair went out of style on Presidents?!?!? Unacceptable, especially since it hasn't gone out of style with us commoners. I, for one, long for the golden age of the mid to late 1800's, when our Presidents were hairy and Congressmen beat the shit out of each other with their walking canes.

Now it looks like our best hope for a President with facial hair is Hillary!

My New Year's Resolution

So, clearly it's been a while since I've posted on here, and for that, I apologize. I'm not sure who is still even checking the site to see if I still care, but I do. I've just been taking a bit of a vacation.

Anyway, I'd like to post my one monumental New Year's resolution. Now, it is true, I do have some minor resolutions - chiefly among them being to reduce my (real estate driven) debt and increase my (real estate depleted) savings, and also to get myself in better physical shape. But, none are as potentially life-changing as this one:

I'm not going to watch a single sports game on TV for the rest of the year.

This includes professional, college, high school, pee-wee, or stick drawings. Not a single one. Fuck televised sports, that's my mantra for 2008.

Now, I will still watch the occasional event in person - I have to include this in here, since I will be attending at least 10 Washington Nationals games this year. But, I will not watch them on TV.

I will also be watching Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. But that's it. Nationals games in person at the stadium, and Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. The sole two exceptions to my resolution. The Nats games are already paid for and planned, and Women's Beach Volleyball...well, c'mon, I'm not watching them for the competitive aspect.

As I write this, there are about 2 minutes left in the Redskins/Seahawks wild card playoff game, and the Redskins are down two touchdowns. They were up 14-13 with about 6 minutes left to play in this game. Then the Disgruntled Investor Collorary kicked in - any team I support is going to crash and burn. I have turned that game off, and do not plan on turning it back on, so I have no idea how it ended (prediction, Redskins lost). This also happened a week ago, as UVA blew a 21-7 lead to lose the Gator Bowl, thanks in no small part to ACC Coach of the Year Al Groh's STELLAR playcalling. There's nothing quite like helplessly watching your coach (or your coach's son in this case) calling for a passing play on 1st (or 2nd) down with 3 minutes left in the game, with the lead, backed up deep in your own territory, with a freshman QB in the game who looks like he's 12 years old. You know what's going to happen, but, shit, what the fuck can you do?

And there's the rub.

Why put myself through this shit anymore? I've spent my life dealing with this. I've watched the Braves dominate the regular season, then choke in the postseason. I've watched UVA football squander countless future NFL FIRST ROUND draft picks, I've watched UVA basketball continue to eschew any inside game YEAR AFTER YEAR, and, predictably, fail miserably at some point in the season (this season features a rare EARLY set of failures!) I've watched Gilbert Arenas get hurt at some crucial point in the season. Honestly, that's it. I'm done with this. I'm taking a year-long sports vacation.

So, apart from a few Nationals games where I'm actually at the stadium watching what is essentially a meaningless regular season game, and apart from ogling over the Swedish Women's Beach Volleyball team in Beijing (do they have beaches there??), I will not watch another sporting event until January 5, 2009.

And that's a promise.

P.S. This includes checking sports scores online during the games - a technicality the Disgruntled Girlfriend pointed out, while subsequently noting (along with the Disgruntled Childhood Friend) that I have no chance of pulling this off. F That, No Sports (except which I've previously noted) until 1/5/09 (if not later!).