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Thursday, May 22, 2008
Starring Asshole Deep
Last Friday night, I was taking the Disgruntled Dog out for a pee (or a fake pee so she can fool me into giving her a treat - joke's on you dog, baby carrots are good for you!) When I got back inside, I saw that I had a voicemail from Ete Packley. It said:
"Disgruntled Investor, this is Ete Packley. Um...we're all getting a bit impatient waiting for the sneak preview of Slumlord, featuring the line, "Asshole Deep." Umm........................................(long pause)...........................could you...um...send it?"
Thanks for waiting bitches, here's your sneak preview, featuring the talent of Asshole Deep.
Setting this up -
After enduring countless weiner tenant complaints and a rapidly sinking real estate market, Ben, who is one disgruntled investor, calls his realtor, Dick, to find out how he thinks the market is doing. Later in this, you'll meet Todd, who's based on my friend Kyle, a former co-worker of mine who's always got some crazy scheme for making money. Anyway, that's who that is. Hope you like. Oh, and please note that the formatting is a bit askew, but, that's cut and paste for you.
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - DAY
Ben is sitting at his desk, wearing a blue shirt, red tie,and khaki pants. Backlogged work is piled even higher on his desk than before, but in front of Ben, and taking his full attention, are notepads on which are written Ben’s increasing debts and budgets for the remaining months of the year. The notepad has a lot of minus signs on them. Ben is biting on his nails while he waits for Dick to answer the phone. Finally, Ben’s eyebrows raise and a hopeful look appears on his face as Dick picks up the phone.
BEN
Dick! Hey, man, I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you all week.
How’s it going?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - SAME
Dick is in his office, which has two computers, numerous plaques for real estate excellence on the walls, and bookshelves full of “How To Sell Real Estate” type books. The floor is littered with papers, and Dick, holding the phone between his head and shoulders, is taking clumps of these papers and feeding them into a shredder.
DICK
Oh, good, good. Yeah, everything’s
going really well, Ben. How about
you?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Um...alright, I guess. What’s that
noise in the background?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dick continues to shred papers, at an almost frantic pace.
DICK
What? Oh, nothing, just, uh,
vacuuming around here. You know,
trying to get the house looking
good. Cat’s got it all messed up
and all. So, what can I do for
you, Ben?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Well, I was just calling to see how
things were going in the real
estate world. Specifically, how
are things looking over by my
house? I’m really hoping to be
able to move it here fairly soon.
These tenants are getting to be a
pain in the ass and I’m getting a
little nervous about this market.
Ben gives a nervous chuckle.
CUT TO:
EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick’s house is a rather large single-family home - almost to the point of being a mansion. It is red brick, three stories, and two Hummers are parked in the driveway. Dick is attaching a sign reading “Price Sharply Reduced!” to a “For Sale” sign in the yard.
DICK
The market? Um...well you might
want to hold onto the place for a
little while longer.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ben is somewhat taken aback at this answer, clearly not what he wanted to hear.
BEN
Wha...really? It’s already been a
few months now, I thought you said
it was a minor correction that’d
just take a few weeks to work
itself out.
CUT TO:
EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick stands in front of the sign, looking increasingly nervous and anxious.
DICK
Yeah...um, I’m not sure what you
want me to say here, Ben. I don’t
control the market.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Well, I mean I know that, I just
thought...well, nevermind. How
long do you think it’ll be before
it turns around. I mean, we’re
talking months, not years, right?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick has re-entered his house, and is now in his living room. It is very large, with a fireplace, and a 52-inch flat screen television on the wall above it. Three leather couches flank a glass table, on which a porcelain vase with a flower arrangement sit. Several large moving boxes are also in the room, some half-filled with items from the house. Dick is clearly preparing to move out of the house.
DICK
Could be months, could be years,
could be never, who knows? Now
might not have been a good time to
get in, in retrospect. But, if you
hold on to it, you should end up
alright. You’ve got some time.
You’ve got all the rooms filled up,
right?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Yeah, but...
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick starts talking again before Ben can finish. As he’s talking, he puts together another cardboard box.
DICK
So, you’ll be fine. Anyway, good
luck with all that, and let me know
how it all turns out, ok?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Wait, what do you mean? You’re
still going to help me sell the
place, right?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DICK
Uh...no, sorry, I’m getting out of
this town. Anyway, I’ve gotta go,
got some stuff to do, but, again,
good luck.
Dick flips his cell phone shut.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
But wait...
DIAL TONE sounds.
Ben sits in disbelief at what’s he’s heard. He’s all alone in this endeavor now. Todd walks in the door.
TODD
Hey man, let’s do that new Asian
fusion place for lunch. It’s a bit
pricey, but I heard the waitresses
are hot!
Ben looks distractedly over at Todd, then back to staring at the wall.
BEN
It’s never going to end. I’m in
asshole deep now.
Todd looks confused.
TODD
Um...so, anyway, the restaurant is
not in a great location, so it
might not be there forever. That’s
why we’ve gotta get there while we
still can. Hot Asian women! C’mon
dude!
Ben snaps back into reality and sighs.
BEN
Alright. They take credit cards,
right?
Todd shrugs, and Ben starts to gets up, when his cell phone rings. Ben looks at it and sees that it’s Leslie calling.
BEN (CONT’D)
Shit, hey man, I’ll come by your
office, ok, I’ve gotta take it.
It’s one of my wiener tenants.
TODD
Alright, good luck, man.
Todd walks out of the office, as Ben answers the phone and walks over to the window.
BEN
Hi Leslie, what’s up?
And, as you might guess, Leslie's got a complaint that's going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for our hero, Ben. If you guys want to read the whole thing (it's 86 pages), and let me know what you think, you can pop me an email. Otherwise, you can wait till it gets on the big screen and I'm rich, beotch.
"Disgruntled Investor, this is Ete Packley. Um...we're all getting a bit impatient waiting for the sneak preview of Slumlord, featuring the line, "Asshole Deep." Umm........................................(long pause)...........................could you...um...send it?"
Thanks for waiting bitches, here's your sneak preview, featuring the talent of Asshole Deep.
Setting this up -
After enduring countless weiner tenant complaints and a rapidly sinking real estate market, Ben, who is one disgruntled investor, calls his realtor, Dick, to find out how he thinks the market is doing. Later in this, you'll meet Todd, who's based on my friend Kyle, a former co-worker of mine who's always got some crazy scheme for making money. Anyway, that's who that is. Hope you like. Oh, and please note that the formatting is a bit askew, but, that's cut and paste for you.
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - DAY
Ben is sitting at his desk, wearing a blue shirt, red tie,and khaki pants. Backlogged work is piled even higher on his desk than before, but in front of Ben, and taking his full attention, are notepads on which are written Ben’s increasing debts and budgets for the remaining months of the year. The notepad has a lot of minus signs on them. Ben is biting on his nails while he waits for Dick to answer the phone. Finally, Ben’s eyebrows raise and a hopeful look appears on his face as Dick picks up the phone.
BEN
Dick! Hey, man, I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you all week.
How’s it going?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - SAME
Dick is in his office, which has two computers, numerous plaques for real estate excellence on the walls, and bookshelves full of “How To Sell Real Estate” type books. The floor is littered with papers, and Dick, holding the phone between his head and shoulders, is taking clumps of these papers and feeding them into a shredder.
DICK
Oh, good, good. Yeah, everything’s
going really well, Ben. How about
you?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Um...alright, I guess. What’s that
noise in the background?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dick continues to shred papers, at an almost frantic pace.
DICK
What? Oh, nothing, just, uh,
vacuuming around here. You know,
trying to get the house looking
good. Cat’s got it all messed up
and all. So, what can I do for
you, Ben?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Well, I was just calling to see how
things were going in the real
estate world. Specifically, how
are things looking over by my
house? I’m really hoping to be
able to move it here fairly soon.
These tenants are getting to be a
pain in the ass and I’m getting a
little nervous about this market.
Ben gives a nervous chuckle.
CUT TO:
EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick’s house is a rather large single-family home - almost to the point of being a mansion. It is red brick, three stories, and two Hummers are parked in the driveway. Dick is attaching a sign reading “Price Sharply Reduced!” to a “For Sale” sign in the yard.
DICK
The market? Um...well you might
want to hold onto the place for a
little while longer.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ben is somewhat taken aback at this answer, clearly not what he wanted to hear.
BEN
Wha...really? It’s already been a
few months now, I thought you said
it was a minor correction that’d
just take a few weeks to work
itself out.
CUT TO:
EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick stands in front of the sign, looking increasingly nervous and anxious.
DICK
Yeah...um, I’m not sure what you
want me to say here, Ben. I don’t
control the market.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Well, I mean I know that, I just
thought...well, nevermind. How
long do you think it’ll be before
it turns around. I mean, we’re
talking months, not years, right?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick has re-entered his house, and is now in his living room. It is very large, with a fireplace, and a 52-inch flat screen television on the wall above it. Three leather couches flank a glass table, on which a porcelain vase with a flower arrangement sit. Several large moving boxes are also in the room, some half-filled with items from the house. Dick is clearly preparing to move out of the house.
DICK
Could be months, could be years,
could be never, who knows? Now
might not have been a good time to
get in, in retrospect. But, if you
hold on to it, you should end up
alright. You’ve got some time.
You’ve got all the rooms filled up,
right?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Yeah, but...
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick starts talking again before Ben can finish. As he’s talking, he puts together another cardboard box.
DICK
So, you’ll be fine. Anyway, good
luck with all that, and let me know
how it all turns out, ok?
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
Wait, what do you mean? You’re
still going to help me sell the
place, right?
CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DICK
Uh...no, sorry, I’m getting out of
this town. Anyway, I’ve gotta go,
got some stuff to do, but, again,
good luck.
Dick flips his cell phone shut.
CUT TO:
INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BEN
But wait...
DIAL TONE sounds.
Ben sits in disbelief at what’s he’s heard. He’s all alone in this endeavor now. Todd walks in the door.
TODD
Hey man, let’s do that new Asian
fusion place for lunch. It’s a bit
pricey, but I heard the waitresses
are hot!
Ben looks distractedly over at Todd, then back to staring at the wall.
BEN
It’s never going to end. I’m in
asshole deep now.
Todd looks confused.
TODD
Um...so, anyway, the restaurant is
not in a great location, so it
might not be there forever. That’s
why we’ve gotta get there while we
still can. Hot Asian women! C’mon
dude!
Ben snaps back into reality and sighs.
BEN
Alright. They take credit cards,
right?
Todd shrugs, and Ben starts to gets up, when his cell phone rings. Ben looks at it and sees that it’s Leslie calling.
BEN (CONT’D)
Shit, hey man, I’ll come by your
office, ok, I’ve gotta take it.
It’s one of my wiener tenants.
TODD
Alright, good luck, man.
Todd walks out of the office, as Ben answers the phone and walks over to the window.
BEN
Hi Leslie, what’s up?
And, as you might guess, Leslie's got a complaint that's going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for our hero, Ben. If you guys want to read the whole thing (it's 86 pages), and let me know what you think, you can pop me an email. Otherwise, you can wait till it gets on the big screen and I'm rich, beotch.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Do Not Pass Go
Stay tuned for a sneak preview of "Slumlord"...starring, Asshole Deep as...a line in the movie!
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