The Disgruntled Investor's Blog Space

And With That...

2008-08-25T14:30:00.002-05:00

So I clearly haven't been posting on here very much lately. Sorry.

BUT, that doesn't mean I haven't been posting ridiculous things on the interwebs for public consumption.

I've just found a different venue.

So, without saying definitively that this will be my last Disgruntled Investor post, I hereby direct you to what will be, essentially, my new site.

Adam Johnson's Associated Content page!

That link again is: http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/283225/adam_johnson.html

Please check this page out, and bookmark it, as I will be posting much more frequently here. A few articles may look familiar to you, but most will be brand new. Plus, I get paid for every time you read it, so, there's that too. But, seriously, it's a great site, and not just for my articles. So, do it up, disgruntles.

Disgruntled Out...

Bo Jackson Cannot Be Stopped

2008-07-17T08:10:00.005-05:00

Sorry about the previous bitter (read: drunken) post. Though I do agree with everything I said, it's not exactly light reading. Oh well.

Anyway, none of that today. Check out this article on my favorite website, ESPN (sorry, no more sarcasm, I promise). It's about all of the little frustrating things in sports video games. Like miraculous 4th quarter comebacks. And bench players suddenly getting hot and hitting 10 3's in a row. And needing an Al Saunders playbook sized manual to understand how to pitch a freaking curveball. Anyway, great article.

For me, the worst part about sports video games comes down to one word: holding. It's bullshit. BULLSHIT!!! Whenever I play Madden, and I'm at my own 1 yard line, back to the endzone, 3rd down, and decide to try to eke out some breathing room for my punter with a little run up the middle, or a sweep out to the side (a bit risky, that), and, following my lead blocker, who bulldozes two defenders, and juking and spinning, I find that suddenly I've broken free of everyone, and make a 99-yard sprint to the other endzone, making sure to highstep near the end, diving theatrically into the end zone for an awesome touchdown...(breath)...whenever I do this, WHENEVER I DO THIS, I know what's going to happen.

Holding, #78, Offense, half the distance to the goal-line, repeat 3rd down.

Turns out, I accidently hit the "holding" button on my controller.

BULLSHIT!!!!!

The Means

2008-07-16T21:39:00.003-05:00

So, CNN.com reported today in this story that the daring rescue of several hostages, including three Americans and Ingrid Betancourt - who was a high-profile former Presidential candidate in Colombia - was performed under somewhat false pretenses. You see, wrapped up in the elaborate and rather clever plot to deceive the FARC captors, were a few individuals who wore bibs containing the symbol of the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC). This, it turns out, is an egregious deception that is, in fact, a war crime, as laid out in the ICRC charter and international law. In effect, in rescuing these hostages, who suffered countless horrific personal horrors during their 5+ years in captivity by the leftist group, the Colombian government broke international law.

To which I say:

SO FUCKING WHAT.

It's not a surprise at all to me that CNN is nitpicking this operation; the only surprise to me is that it took them this long to do it. You see, these uber-liberal organizations like CNN, MSNBC, CBS, Huffington Post, ACLU, Moveon.org, and the like, don't care at all about the end result of things - even if the end result is a universally accepted and praised outcome (like, for instance, the rescue of these hostages). No, to these groups, what's more important is HOW the result came about. Or, to put it more simply, they care more about the means than the ends. Creative thinking is not something that fits into their overall philosophy. And yet, of course, these are the same groups that chastised the Bush administration for a lack of creative thinking in lambasting them for failing to prevent 9-11.

But, that aside, CNN has really overstepped their bounds here. Though I'm not the only one to point this out about this story, it's still really irresponsible of CNN to do this. They note that their reporting of this story may make it more difficult for ICRC members to operate in war zones in the future. You think??? Of course it is going to be.

But, here's the crazy thing about it - there was no gun to CNN's head that said they had to report on this particular method! Don't act like Colombia is the irresponsible one here - you (CNN) are literally putting lives at stake by your "scoop." Kudos and Huzzah, assholes!

Without a doubt, my little blog that no one reads isn't going to influence CNN or other media organizations at all. Not only will they not take any notice, but few other people will either. But, even if I were a multi-million hit a day website, CNN, et al would not change their philosophy on the matter. It doesn't matter to them (Newsweek is particularly bad on this front, by the way) whether they are putting lives at stake with shady reporting, as long as they receive their viewers and/or readers, that's all that matters.

It makes me sick. Rot in hell, CNN.

I Am Offended By This Post

2008-06-26T10:44:00.005-05:00

There is nothing I despise more than when the actions of a small, ultra-sensitive, easily offended minority (as in group of people, not race of people) ruins things for the rest of us who have a normal sense of humor about things. When Janet Jackson (sort of) showed her boob (not really her nipple, though) during the Super Bowl, these groups went absolutely apeshit. Forget about the fact that I see more boob on the Discovery Channel, or walking around in malls, or giving "guest lectures" in local high school bathrooms, than Janet "showed" (or Justin Timberlake revealed). The fact remains, there is a devoted group of assholes who spend all their time watching far more television than most normal people just to fulfill their self-appointed role as morality police. Whose morality sets the standard doesn't matter - they are the morality police, dammit, and that's that.

Which brings me to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).

When the morality police, enraged with outrage at Bart Simpson saying "man!" and apparently paralyzed and unable to change the channel, figure out how to either turn on their computer or string letters together via their ink quill, they typically send their complaints in to our government's morality police, the FCC. As a government executive-level agency, the FCC is bound by the FOIA, and are thus under the obligation to respond to requests for copies of complaints they have received for specific shows.

So, as a service to my disgruntled reader(s?), I give you...

FCC COMPLAINTS ABOUT "FAMILY GUY"

Enjoy, it's pretty hilarious. It's also a good episode guide if you need to catch up.

Remember When We Used To Blog?

2008-06-11T08:18:00.003-05:00

It's Wednesday, so I'm bringing back my semi-semi-weekly clip of the...um...week.

This is my favorite commercial of all time, featuring two of my three favorite pitchers of all time (sadly, no cameo from John Smoltz). For a nerd, Maddux was lights-out as a pitcher.

Amazing Larry

2008-05-22T14:54:00.002-05:00

My Disgruntled Brother has a blog! It's the top link on the..um..links section.

Check this shit out.

Starring Asshole Deep

2008-05-22T14:19:00.005-05:00

Last Friday night, I was taking the Disgruntled Dog out for a pee (or a fake pee so she can fool me into giving her a treat - joke's on you dog, baby carrots are good for you!) When I got back inside, I saw that I had a voicemail from Ete Packley. It said:

"Disgruntled Investor, this is Ete Packley. Um...we're all getting a bit impatient waiting for the sneak preview of Slumlord, featuring the line, "Asshole Deep." Umm........................................(long pause)...........................could you...um...send it?"

Thanks for waiting bitches, here's your sneak preview, featuring the talent of Asshole Deep.

Setting this up -

After enduring countless weiner tenant complaints and a rapidly sinking real estate market, Ben, who is one disgruntled investor, calls his realtor, Dick, to find out how he thinks the market is doing. Later in this, you'll meet Todd, who's based on my friend Kyle, a former co-worker of mine who's always got some crazy scheme for making money. Anyway, that's who that is. Hope you like. Oh, and please note that the formatting is a bit askew, but, that's cut and paste for you.

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - DAY
Ben is sitting at his desk, wearing a blue shirt, red tie,and khaki pants. Backlogged work is piled even higher on his desk than before, but in front of Ben, and taking his full attention, are notepads on which are written Ben’s increasing debts and budgets for the remaining months of the year. The notepad has a lot of minus signs on them. Ben is biting on his nails while he waits for Dick to answer the phone. Finally, Ben’s eyebrows raise and a hopeful look appears on his face as Dick picks up the phone.

BEN
Dick! Hey, man, I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you all week.
How’s it going?

CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - SAME
Dick is in his office, which has two computers, numerous plaques for real estate excellence on the walls, and bookshelves full of “How To Sell Real Estate” type books. The floor is littered with papers, and Dick, holding the phone between his head and shoulders, is taking clumps of these papers and feeding them into a shredder.

DICK
Oh, good, good. Yeah, everything’s
going really well, Ben. How about
you?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Um...alright, I guess. What’s that
noise in the background?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dick continues to shred papers, at an almost frantic pace.

DICK
What? Oh, nothing, just, uh,
vacuuming around here. You know,
trying to get the house looking
good. Cat’s got it all messed up
and all. So, what can I do for
you, Ben?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Well, I was just calling to see how
things were going in the real
estate world. Specifically, how
are things looking over by my
house? I’m really hoping to be
able to move it here fairly soon.
These tenants are getting to be a
pain in the ass and I’m getting a
little nervous about this market.

Ben gives a nervous chuckle.
CUT TO:

EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick’s house is a rather large single-family home - almost to the point of being a mansion. It is red brick, three stories, and two Hummers are parked in the driveway. Dick is attaching a sign reading “Price Sharply Reduced!” to a “For Sale” sign in the yard.

DICK
The market? Um...well you might
want to hold onto the place for a
little while longer.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ben is somewhat taken aback at this answer, clearly not what he wanted to hear.

BEN
Wha...really? It’s already been a
few months now, I thought you said
it was a minor correction that’d
just take a few weeks to work
itself out.
CUT TO:

EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick stands in front of the sign, looking increasingly nervous and anxious.

DICK
Yeah...um, I’m not sure what you
want me to say here, Ben. I don’t
control the market.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Well, I mean I know that, I just
thought...well, nevermind. How
long do you think it’ll be before
it turns around. I mean, we’re
talking months, not years, right?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick has re-entered his house, and is now in his living room. It is very large, with a fireplace, and a 52-inch flat screen television on the wall above it. Three leather couches flank a glass table, on which a porcelain vase with a flower arrangement sit. Several large moving boxes are also in the room, some half-filled with items from the house. Dick is clearly preparing to move out of the house.

DICK
Could be months, could be years,
could be never, who knows? Now
might not have been a good time to
get in, in retrospect. But, if you
hold on to it, you should end up
alright. You’ve got some time.
You’ve got all the rooms filled up,
right?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Yeah, but...
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick starts talking again before Ben can finish. As he’s talking, he puts together another cardboard box.

DICK
So, you’ll be fine. Anyway, good
luck with all that, and let me know
how it all turns out, ok?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Wait, what do you mean? You’re
still going to help me sell the
place, right?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DICK
Uh...no, sorry, I’m getting out of
this town. Anyway, I’ve gotta go,
got some stuff to do, but, again,
good luck.

Dick flips his cell phone shut.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
But wait...

DIAL TONE sounds.

Ben sits in disbelief at what’s he’s heard. He’s all alone in this endeavor now. Todd walks in the door.

TODD
Hey man, let’s do that new Asian
fusion place for lunch. It’s a bit
pricey, but I heard the waitresses
are hot!

Ben looks distractedly over at Todd, then back to staring at the wall.

BEN
It’s never going to end. I’m in
asshole deep now.

Todd looks confused.

TODD
Um...so, anyway, the restaurant is
not in a great location, so it
might not be there forever. That’s
why we’ve gotta get there while we
still can. Hot Asian women! C’mon
dude!

Ben snaps back into reality and sighs.

BEN
Alright. They take credit cards,
right?

Todd shrugs, and Ben starts to gets up, when his cell phone rings. Ben looks at it and sees that it’s Leslie calling.

BEN (CONT’D)
Shit, hey man, I’ll come by your
office, ok, I’ve gotta take it.
It’s one of my wiener tenants.

TODD
Alright, good luck, man.

Todd walks out of the office, as Ben answers the phone and walks over to the window.

BEN
Hi Leslie, what’s up?

And, as you might guess, Leslie's got a complaint that's going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for our hero, Ben. If you guys want to read the whole thing (it's 86 pages), and let me know what you think, you can pop me an email. Otherwise, you can wait till it gets on the big screen and I'm rich, beotch.

Do Not Pass Go

2008-05-12T10:04:00.003-05:00

Stay tuned for a sneak preview of "Slumlord"...starring, Asshole Deep as...a line in the movie!

Obama's Not An Elitist, Just An Asshole College Kid

2008-04-24T09:33:00.005-05:00

Ah, well this changes everything. I'm definitely voting for him now. If their collars were up I'd even donate to his campaign!

Thx, Daily Gut!

P.S. A vote for Obama is a vote against little girls with cerebral palsy!

Revenge of the Landlords

2008-04-24T08:28:00.005-05:00

So I just read an article linked on Drudge Report, which appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle's website, about some landlords who are FAR more disgruntled than I am. Unfortunately, they (SFChron) have disabled copy/paste on their site, thus negating my illegal copying ways, but the article is definitely worth a read (follow the link above).

Essentially, this couple, fed up with their weiner tenants (and their "demands" for electricity, reasonable rent prices, floors), took matters into their own hands. Considering my tenants have been violating my person for the last three years, this is a dangerous article for me. Maybe the weiner complaints would suddenly cease if I started sawing through their floor.

No, they probably wouldn't. Nuts.

My Anus is Bleeding!

2008-04-06T16:02:00.001-05:00

Hey, got 9 minutes 21 seconds to spare? So do I! Enjoy this!

Random Filler

2008-04-04T11:10:00.008-05:00

It's rare that I get the opportunity to rip off not one, but two independent sources, but I'm doing just that today.

My friend, the Blogadier General (Blog. Gen., 2nd class), himself ripped off the AV Club (a not great site) feature - "Random Rules" - where they get some "indie" celebrity to go through their IPod (since IPods are cool) and, with the song list set to random (hence the name of the feature), they comment on the song that shows up, usually with a witty anecdote from their professional or pre-professional lives. Here's what happened when the Blog. Gen. did this.

So, anyway, I decided to do the same today, since I'm kind of bored and think it's an interesting idea. Quick note - I don't have an IPod, I have a SanDisk Sansa e260. Eat that, Apple.

Here goes:

1.) Count Basie - "Jumpin' At The Woodside"
Ah, a classic from my bootleggin' days. I've got a million jazz songs on my MP3 player, mostly from Miles Davis. This song features a young Miles, back when he was in Basie's orchestra.

That's all I got.

2.) Soungarden - "Ty Cobb"
Down On The Upside is easily in my top 5 favorite albums of all time. I could (and do) listen to it all the time. The title track might be one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time. I hear Stone Temple Pilots is getting back together - what about these guys??

When this album came out, I was in high school, driving a "classic" 1984 Toyota Tercel hatchback. It was so old and rusted that the words "Toyota" and "Tercel" had long since fallen off the back hatch. Pieces of it would fall off when I closed the hatch. I loved that car. Anyway, I used to give my friends in the neighborhood a ride in to school every day, and this one guy David used to insist that we start the ride listening to this song. It is a pretty great song. So, he would always sing annoyingly along and act like he was playing the drums (yeah, he was that guy), and when the chorus came along, instead of the actual words ("Hard-headed, fuck you all!") he would yell out, "I'm ready to fuck you all!" He thought those were the words. I kept trying to tell him that that didn't make any sense and even showed him the lyrics in the liner notes, but he was still convinced his version was right.

Along with Offspring's "Bad Habit", this is the best song to listen to while stuck in traffic.

3.) Smashing Pumpkins - "Today (live acoustic version)"
Not much to say about this song, it's a good one. I actually saw the Pumpkins play their last show before the keyboardist OD'ed and they kicked their drummer, James Chamberlain, out. Now he's back with the band, and their music sucks!

4.) DJ Shadow - "Organ Donor (Extended Version)"
My little brother got me into Shadow, along with RJD2 and Madlib, last year. This is off Shadow's Endtroducing... album, the double CD version. Specifically, this version of "Organ Donor" is on the 2nd CD. I actually like this version better than the one on the first CD, but I like that one as well. I've definitely entered a phase in my life where I'm more into DJ-driven tracks, like Shadow, RJD2, St. Germain, Stereolab. It's a good phase to be in, I think. Anyway, great track - might end up being the best song on this list.

5.) Less Than Jake - "9th and Pine"
When I was in high school, and to some extent in college, LTJ was my favorite band. I definitely went through a ska phase, and these guys were the best. For a while, though, all I listened to was Jake, Hepcat, Skatalites, Pietasters, Rancid, Mustard Plug, and so on and so forth. I would attend every Vans Warped Tour, get into it with the moshers (despite weighing about a buck twenty). I even had my hair shoulder length. I was so cool.

The first time I saw these guys live, I got pulled over (in my Tercel) for being a suspected narcotics dealer. True story. My friend got slammed against the car by the cop. Turns out we had accidentally stumbled into the top narcotics zone in DC. Oops. Anyway, as it happened, they were mistaken in their belief of our being drug lords. But, on the plus side, at least they were dicks about it!

Anyway, this song is off their best album, Losing Streak. The best song on this album is "Johnny Quest Thinks We're Sellouts."

Incidentally, Less Than Jake is the Blogadier General's favorite band!

6.) Less Than Jake - "Jen Doesn't Like Me Anymore"
Awesome. And really, I only have this one album on the MP3 player. I like how the chorus to this one develops at the end: "Jee-e-e-e-e-e-en, no she doesn't fucking like me anymore." I miss the simpler songs.

7.) Blind Melon - "Rebirth (Demo)"
Hmm. Blind Melon's one of my favorite bands of all time, but this song (and this recording) isn't that great. Not sure how it made it on there, except that I'm such a Melon fanboy. I just saw them live with their new lead singer a couple months ago. They sounded great, can't wait for the new album.

8.) Beatles - "Yellow Submarine"
The Beatles were at their best when they were stoned out of their minds. Really stoned out of their minds. The other Beatles songs on my player are "Strawberry Fields" and "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." My favorite part of this song is when Paul starts drunkenly parroting everything Ringo sings. I bet that pissed Ringo off good.

9.) Handsome Boy Modeling School - "The World's Gone Mad"
Featuring Alex Kapranos and Del the Funkee Homosapien. Love this song. It's the best song off of White People.

Del, of course, is the nerdy cousin of Ice Cube. I bet a thousand years from now, when aliens rule our planet and runaway slave humans congregate in the sewers, trying to keep away from the watchful eyes of robot police, Del will seem a lot more "gangsta" and "hard" than Ice Cube.

10.) Robert Johnson - "Preaching Blues"
Great way to end this. My fourth year of college, we had a summer roommate named Catfish (named after the fish, not the pitcher). He got me into Robert Johnson, as he was taking a summer class on the famed blues guitarist/singer/wife beater.

Hey, don't get uppity with me - Johnson sings about beatin' his woman on nearly every song! On "Me and the Devil Blues," he notes, "I'm going to beat my woman til I get satisfied." God, I love this album.

Anyway, we used to listen to his Robert Johnson box set all the time. It was pretty great. Pretty great summer, actually, now that I think about it.

Alright, well that's that. Hope you weren't bored to tears. Shit, I enjoyed it, that's all that matters.

The Circus

2008-04-03T21:04:00.004-05:00

This is what I'm talking about below, absolutely ridiculous "activist" bullshit from local idiots that only hurts kids.

They're trying to take the circus away from kids!

Now how is a new generation of kids supposed to develop an irrational fear of clowns?

Here's my favorite part of the article:

"To see a bear ride a bicycle, it is ridicule. You're really just laughing at that bear," said Mel Levine, a renowned pediatrician at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who has written numerous books about child behavior and the way children learn. "So the question is: What's the message you're giving to kids when you take them to the circus and they laugh at animals? I think to laugh at animals is to devalue them."

Hehehehehehehehehe!!! Seriously?? A bear on a bicycle!! Hehehehehe!!! I'm giggling like a schoolgirl just writing that! I need to get me to the circus if that's what's going on there!

Arlington

2008-04-03T08:28:00.007-05:00

Before I get into what I've gotten on to write about, I just wanted to pass along another classic quote from my friend Mike, who's been a somewhat regular contributor to the Disgruntled Blog. He and I are in a fantasy baseball league together, and I was lucky enough to pick up the Red Sox's set up man - Hideki Okajima - for $1 (it's an auction league). Okajima is great because he provides a strikeout or two a game, a low ERA and WHIP, and the occasional spot win or save (he recorded the first win of the major league season this year). Bargain pickup at $1.

Anyway, got this in an email from Mike this morning:

"Also, I had some spare time and realized your boy Okajima has the perfect name to go with the Sanford and Son theme. Try it:

Okajima
Okajima is the man, Okajima
Okajima gets them out from the bullpen"

Next up, Al Qaeda's #2 says they do not kill innocent people. So, at least we don't have THAT to worry about anymore. What a relief!

So, Arlington, Virginia...

This morning, I was walking from a parking garage to the building where I work in Rosslyn, and as I was waiting for the light to change, a school bus pulls up just past the intersection. A large group of elementary school students were waiting by the side of the road, and as the bus pulled up, they moved slightly into the street to board the bus. As the bus stopped, its stop sign swung out on the left hand side, as all school buses do, requiring (by law) all cars behind the bus to stop and wait while the kids get on the bus. This, of course, is done primarily for the kids' safety.

Despite all of that, about six cars, full of road raged commuters, in the lanes in back of the bus decided to speed ahead - quite recklessly so I might add - shooting angry glances and obscene gestures at the school bus as they did so. The drivers seemed infuriated that the bus would stop in front of them. The school bus driver honked the horn incessently to indicate that, no, in fact they had to stop, but the cars kept going, until finally one car stopped and all the cars in back of it stopped as well. At this point the kids got on the bus, and after a minute of this, the bus's stop sign swung back, and the bus (and the cars in back of it) was on its way.

What struck me about this incident is not that it was unusual, but that it seemed totally par for the course in this area. I looked over at the other people waiting on the sidewalk with me, and though they clearly noticed what was taking place, they seemed totally unfazed by it.

And why not? Arlington is infamous for its drivers failing to yield to emergency vehicles, for example. I've witnessed this many times, and have also seen more drivers than not make turns or lane changes without looking (often while talking on their cell phones, in their SUV's or luxury cars).

But what's worse is that this problem is not confined to Arlington - it's actually more of a metro-DC phenomenom. I've been to many places around the country and around the world, and I've never (not even in Europe) seen such a self-centered group of assholes as I see on a daily basis in this area.

And it's not confined to drivers (though they are the worst). This weekend the Disgruntled Girlfriend and I had brunch at Teaism in Dupont Circle with her cousin. Her cousin is about six months pregnant, and definitely showing (the kid's a future linebacker, by the looks of it). Teaism was pretty crowded, and if you've been there before, you know there's not a plethora of seats there. Despite that, however, we saw many people finished with their meals/beverages, and were fairly confident that once we got our food, we'd be able to get a table.

Nope.

The people kept sitting there, occasionally glancing over at the very pregnant, probably uncomfortable (but good-natured about it) woman carrying her tray hoping for a seat. No one offered a seat, no one offered to get a door for her. Again, pretty par for the course in the area, but a good descriptive anecdote nonetheless.

My point in all of this is that I'm getting pretty fed up with things here. There are clearly too many people for the accomodations in the area (as evidenced by the traffic and total lack of parking, for one), and the people moving into the area seem to be trending more (not less) pretentious, uncaring, asshole. My boss thinks it's more of a "city" problem than a NoVa problem, but I'm not sure. Everywhere I go in this area, be it Arlington, Alexandria, DC, Southern Maryland (just kidding, I never go there), I'm surrounded by pricks who care more about being trendy, hipster, save-the-earth-by-eating-organic-because-I-can-afford-it than giving two shits about the person standing next to them. It's just getting tiring, is all.

All I'm saying is show some common courtesy other people. Please.

Me so disgruntled.

Random

2008-03-27T20:56:00.005-05:00

So I'm reading War and Peace, by a Russian fellow named Leo Tolstoy. The version I'm reading (Oxford World's Classics, translated by Louise and Aylmer Maude) is about 1300 pages long. I mentioned to my boss (government boss) today that I'm attempting to read this book, and his response was, "What? Why? There's too many characters in that! You should just watch the movie!" If he thinks the book is long and tedious, how long and tedious would the movie be?!?!? Anyway, I'm on page 129, and the library book is due on April 8. By my calculations, I have to read 97.58 pages every day (starting tomorrow) in order to finish the book by the due date. I'm thinking I'll probably end up renewing it at least a couple times. I'm not only disgruntled, I'm pretty busy (and lazy) as well.

Speaking of which, there was a time when I used to post something nearly every day. Well, since I've switched job sites, I've gone from doing almost no work and having my own private office, to being swamped with work (albeit very interesting work) and working in a cubicle open to a very high traffic area. I can't post at work like I used to, and I especially can't post YouTube videos or other NSFW material. Big Brother is watching me in a big way - sometimes my cursor even moves on its own! So, anyway, that's my explanation for that.

Finally, two nights ago I went to see The Presidents of the United States of America at the 9:30 Club here in DC, with a friend of mine that I've known since before PUSA was even around. They were, as expected, incredibly fun, and put on one of the better shows I've been to. Afterwards, my friend (The Disgruntled Soldier, in case you were wondering) and I started talking about how crazy it was that we just saw a band that we would have loved to have seen back in 1995. A couple months ago, I saw Blind Melon at the State Theatre in Falls Church (new lead singer, of course), and it was both bizarre and very fulfilling. Anyway, so it got us thinking - what other bands would it be somewhat surreal to see, in the same manner that PUSA and Blind Melon (who were awesome live, btw, the new lead singer is enough like Shannon Hoon, and enough not like him, to make him a perfect new lead singer) was. Here's a partial list of the bands we came up with: Toadies, Collective Soul, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Crash Test Dummies, Coolio, Candlebox, Cracker. Man, it'd be crazy to see those guys live, kicking it like it was 1995. They could be introduced onstage by Dan Cortese! (Sorry, for the younger readers, this is Dan Cortese. Yes, it's true, even Dan Cortese has his own Wikipedia page. Here's a page with his picture.)

Finally finally, for those of you wondering about the screenplay for "Slumlord," I've got a very detailed full outline completed, and 12 pages of the actual screenplay written. My goal is to have a complete first draft by the end of April. Let me know if you want me to write you into the movie.

Gee! Disgruntled out.

Obama's Chief Concern: That The World Finds Out He Had A Boring Spring Break

2008-03-22T21:02:00.005-05:00

So, here's the thing: you may have heard that the passport records of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain were recently accessed inappropriately by State Department contractors. Barack Obama (whose advisor happens to be these guys' EMPLOYER!!) has predictably exhibited faux outrage and blah blah blah Bush administration bad mmhhnnnn!!!

Oh wait, that's not the thing, that's the background.

Here's the thing:

I think I actually might know one of the guys involved in this affair, and I don't mean Hillary Clinton. Thing is, I used to work with someone who's now over in that office working for one of the companies mentioned, and, well, the thing is...

That line of work is a little boring.

I know this because I used to be (and as of a month and a half ago am currently) a State Department contractor. There tends to be the occasional downtime, and the occasional temptation to fuck around on the various databases available to us (for work purposes). I can neither confirm nor deny that people do things like, oh, I dunno, look up crazy ex-girlfriends on the databases (not passport). That would just be unprofessional.

So, Barack Hussein, here's the deal - rather than getting all up in arms over some bored contractor doing something that is clearly inappropriate, but in no ways political (trust me, if it's who I think it is, they are not doing any favors for the Bush administration), why don't you focus on more pressing matters. Like this!

And that's the gee truth!

This Is Just What The Robots Wanted Us To Believe...

2008-03-21T10:35:00.003-05:00

Did he also program the robot to write a suicide note, laying the blame on himself and not the "mindless" robot? Right.

The first casualty in what will be a long war. Hide your medication, old people!!

(Alternate blog entry title: "Dr. Kedorkian")

From The Times Online...

Man, 81, kills himself with shot from 'suicide robot'
By: Fran Yeoman

An elderly man has killed himself by programming a robot to shoot him in the head after building the machine from plans downloaded from the internet.

Francis Tovey, 81, who lived alone in Burleigh Heads on the Australian Gold Coast, was found dead in his driveway.

According to the Gold Coast Bulletin, he had been unhappy about the demands of relatives living elsewhere in Australia that he should move out of his home and into care.

Notes left by Mr Tovey — who was born in England — revealed that he had scoured the internet for plans before constructing his complex machine, which involved a jigsaw power tool and was connected to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets. It could fire multiple shots once triggered remotely.

At 7am on Tuesday he set the robot up in the driveway of his £450,000 house and activated it.

His notes suggested that Mr Tovey chose to kill himself in the driveway because he knew there were workmen building a new house next door who would find his body.

The scheme worked, as carpenter Daniel Skewes heard gunshots and ran to Mr Tovey's home. "I thought I heard three shots and when we ran next door he was lying on the driveway with gunshot wounds to the head," Mr Skewes told the GCB.

A neighbour, who did not want to be named, told the newspaper that Mr Tovey had lived at his home on Gabrielle Grove since 1984. "He was a really marvellous man, an ideal neighbour and I will miss him greatly," she said.

"He was born in England, like I was, and we used to enjoy our tea together. He had visitors from England and family interstate from somewhere far away in Australia.

"There was no inkling of anything amiss, it is just very sad."

Prince Harry Pulls Out Early

2008-02-29T10:04:00.003-05:00

If I was him, I'd be pretty pissed off at the media for this. The identity of soldiers deployed in war zones never gets revealed, unless they take pictures of prisoners naked or something.

It's an early entrant for Bullshit of the Year award.

On a lighter note, I think the future Disgruntled Son will be named Jock Stirrup.

From Yahoo!

By D'ARCY DORAN, Associated Press Writer

LONDON - Britain's defense chief decided Friday to immediately pull Prince Harry out of Afghanistan after news of his deployment was leaked on the U.S. Web site the Drudge Report.

Air Chief Marshal Jock Stirrup, chief of the Defense Staff, said he decided to withdraw the prince after senior commanders assessed the risks, the Defense Ministry said in a statement.

Harry, third in line to the British throne, has been serving on the front line with an army unit in Afghanistan's southern Helmand province since mid-December. He was originally due to return to Britain within weeks, but "the situation has now clearly changed," the statement said.

The decision was based on concerns that worldwide media coverage of Harry in Afghanistan could put him and his comrades at increased risk.

The ministry asked the media not to speculate on Harry's location — or how and when he would return — until he was back in Britain.

British officials had hoped to keep Prince Harry's deployment secret until he had safely returned, but they released video of him serving in Helmand Province after the leak appeared on the Drudge Report.

The ministry deplored the leak by "elements of the foreign media."

"However, this was a circumstance that we have always been aware of and one for which we have had contingency plans in place," the statement said.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the prince had demonstrated that he was an exemplary young officer. "The whole of Britain will be proud of the outstanding service he is giving," he said.

Harry, 23, is the first royal to serve in a combat zone since his uncle Prince Andrew flew helicopters during Britain's war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands in 1982.

Tours to Afghanistan usually last six months; Harry has served 10 weeks.

Harry conceded in an interview filmed last week that when he returns to Britain he could be a "top target" for Islamic terrorists.

"Once this ... comes out, every single person that supports them will be trying to slot me," he said.

The deployment plan had been disclosed to reporters, with no specific date, but was not reported previously because of an agreement between the Ministry of Defense and all major news organizations operating in Britain, including The Associated Press. The news blackout was intended to reduce the risk to the prince and his regiment.

Harry was supposed to go to Iraq with the Blues and Royals regiment in May last year but the assignment was canceled because of security fears. Iraqi insurgents made threats on Internet chat rooms, saying he would not make it home alive.

Harry trained at Sandhurst military academy and joined the Blues and Royals as a cornet, the cavalry regiment's equivalent of a second lieutenant. After being held back from his Iraq assignment, the prince threatened to quit the army if he was not given the chance to see combat.

Harry said his older brother, William, who also graduated from Sandhurst and is training as a military pilot, is jealous of his deployment. As Britain's likely future king, Prince William is unlikely ever to see combat.

Helmand province is where most of the 7,800 British soldiers in Afghanistan are based. It has seen some of the country's fiercest combat in recent years, with NATO-led forces fighting the Taliban and al-Qaida militants.

Harry's work in Afghanistan has involved calling in airstrikes on Taliban positions as well as going out on foot patrols. He spent part of his deployment at a base 500 yards from Taliban positions, the military said.

Since Harry's arrival, his battle group has been responsible for around 30 enemy deaths, a Ministry of Defense official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to release the information.

Video showed the prince in camouflage fatigues walking across arid and dusty terrain, calling in air support, firing a machine gun and patrolling the streets of Garmsir, the southernmost part of the province. He has since left Garmsir, and his current whereabouts are being kept secret.

Disgruntled Democracy

2008-02-28T08:49:00.004-05:00

Well, the results are in, and the winner is: you can all go to hell.

I did, however, get some good ideas from some people, most notably the addition of the phrase, "asshole-deep," which I'll insert in some part of the dialogue, perhaps in the way the Blog. Gen. suggested.

I'm actually probably going to call the movie, "Slumlord." Or maybe, "Stinkgee Housegee." Kind of a toss-up.

Finally, in late-March, I'm going to be doing my first auction-style fantasy baseball draft. Has anyone here (besides Mike) ever done one of these? Any ideas? Bid $40 on Stinkgee McGee??

Finally finally, HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

A Somewhat New Medium

2008-02-21T08:31:00.006-05:00

Holy shit, a new blog entry!?!?!?!

So the Disgruntled Investor has begun a new phase, doing something he's always wanted to do, but up to now has only mostly joked about doing - writing a screenplay based on the Disgruntled Investor's real estate/slumlord experiences. I've always thought that all of this crap is completely unbelievable (though true!), and having popped out my first attempt at a screenplay last year (about a guy who hates his job and decides to go around visiting haunted battlefields...yeah, it wasn't great, but it proved I could actually write one of these things), I've decided to give this a whirl.

So, I'll be working on that for the next month or two, and I'll update with any, um, updates. I'm planning on entering it into some screenwriting contests and/or sending it off to some agents. Basically, I'd like to do something worthwhile this year, and it's always been my disgruntled goal in life to write a screenplay and get it made into a movie. So, that's what's new with me.

Having said all that, the damn thing needs a title. I'm terrible at coming up with clever titles for anything I write, preferring instead to pilfer other people's clever ideas (thx MC Paul Barman for this post's title). So, I'm posting a poll (the blog's first!) on the sidebar. I've come up with a few ideas, and you can all vote on which one you think seems best. I'll also take suggestions, and add them to the poll if I like them enough. Remember, this movie is going to be based on all of the crazy shit that's happened with my failed attempts at selling the places, and the insane, phantom shitter, alcoholic, suicidal, etc., etc. tenants I've had, so keep that in mind with the titles. I'll use whichever one wins as my title. That's my pledge to you. Since I really only have two actual usable ideas (guess which ones!) I heartily encourage write-in entries.

Here's what I have so far:

"I'm So Glad" - kind of relates to my first scene, where the main character (based on the DI), pops a CD - specifically, Cream's "Fresh Cream" (good album) in and the song that comes up is "I'm So Glad." Anyway, it's a great song, and one that fits the general tone of the movie, I think

"The Disgruntled Investor" - because, you see, the movie is about a real estate INVESTOR, who, through various mishaps and shenanigans, becomes rather DISGRUNTLED

"I'm Gee!!" - just anticipating Ete Packley's write-in

Other - write-ins, again, gladly accepted

It'll be fun and interactive!

Gee...

Sell-Out, Part II??

2008-01-29T21:32:00.001-05:00

So, after Rudy Giuliani's big loss in Florida (awesome strategy!), the Disgruntled Investor has run up against a bit of a moral quandry.

Rudy clearly is out of the race, and for the Republicans, a smaller field can only be good (you hear that Huckabee and Paul???) All along, my thought was I liked Rudy best, but McCain was a close second.

Well, the Disgruntled Investor cannot support a losing candidate (aside from, you know, real estate investing).

So, as of now, the Disgruntled Investor has officially shifted his coveted endorsement from Rudy Giuliani to John McCain.

John McCain in 2008!!

A System of Jacks and Palances

2008-01-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

Today I just wanted to pass along a classic Onion article that's hilarious. Here's the link to it, or you can read it below. Enjoy!

New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances
June 27, 1998

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress.

Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three branches of the federal government–executive, legislative and judicial–with each branch keeping the other two in Jack.

The revised system, which goes into effect July 1, will take some power away from the three branches, and give more direct power to 72-year-old actor Jack Palance.

Specifically, before any bill is submitted before Congress, it must first be reviewed by Jack Palance. If passed by Palance and three-quarters of both houses of Congress, it must then be approved by the president. If signed by the president, it must again be reviewed by Jack Palance.

The Supreme Court then has the authority to call into question the legality of the law, but Jack Palance, in turn, can then overrule the high court if he believes the law is not Palanced.

In order to ensure that Jack Palance's power itself remains Palanced and Jacked, a special clause grants the president authority to veto his decisions, but only if the president can beat the veteran tough-guy actor at bare-knuckled fisticuffs, a feat which has occurred only twice in U.S. history, most recently in 1948.

"The system of Jacks and Palances is integral to the federal government's continued stability," said H. George Francona, Harvard University political science professor. "By tilting the scales of power away from the excesses of big government and placing more control in the hands of the gravel-voiced star of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, we can ensure Jack Palance's continued, central role well into the next century.

"Now you got all your holes dug," Palance said from his Washington, DC, office Monday

Sell-Out

2008-01-27T14:32:00.000-05:00

So if I knew how to put audio clips on this, as soon as you started reading this post, you'd hear a trombone going "wah-wahhhhh", as if it was laughing at me.

The Disgruntled Investor, who promised earlier not to watch any more sports this year, has already watched sports. While recovering from some bad oysters (or too many good ones), I watched the AFC and NFC championship games. The reason?

There's not that much else to watch on TV.

Plus, I realized that it's not all sports that were letting me down, just my teams. So, despite laughter and derision from the Disgruntled Girlfriend about this, I've decided to revise my pledge, and just not watch UVA or the Redskins play. I've noticed that it's easy not to watch UVA (they're terrible in sports this year) and the Redskins (didn't make it far in the playoffs, so no accidental watching!). Plus, we're going to get some weiner coach thanks to Chainsaw Dan Snyder's ineptitude.

Anyway, so that's that. Just wanted to provide full disclosure here.

Coast-a Guard-a Coast-a Guard-a Come And Save My Ship!

2008-01-22T09:36:00.000-05:00

"Hmm, it looks like the Disgruntled Investor hasn't posted anything in a long time," noted the Disgruntled Girlfriend yesterday.

"Alright, alright, I'll do something, Jesus..." I replied, while also noting that it's not like anyone reads this thing anyway.

"I read it! And the Daves, and Mike, and..."

"Yeah, exactly, who else?"

But, that's kind of a dick comment by me, so for the four or five readers of this blog, here's a bit of a super entry to make up for time lost. Oh, and by the way, I've been pretty damn busy lately - I usually do these things while I'm at work (such as, right now), and I've had a lot of actual work to do, so, anyway.

First off is a great quote I'd like to share from regular reader Mike, who's been featured here before. Mike recently saw "Transformers" and had this to say:

"I finally watched Transformers over the weekend and I really liked it except for one thing that really made me angry and I cant get over. You know the hottie girl in the movie? I looked her up on IMDB and I guess she was 21 when the movie came out. Which is fine. But in her bio it said that she lives with her fiancé' BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN!!!!! What the F! He is my age (ed. note: 86) and he is washed up. How does he get or even meet her? Was she a 90210 fan growing up? Was she like 8 and fell in love him? I'm sorry, I cant get over this at all. Maybe it's like a Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing and he brainwashed her? This has been bothering me since Saturday night, so I had to rant since you liked the movie so much."

Next up comes from a conversation the DG and I had yesterday regarding the Coast Guard and movies. My dad (the Disgruntled Dad?) is a former Coast Guard Captain, so I think this is how the topic came up. Anyway, we realized that there haven't been many movies that featured the Coast Guard in any meaningful way. Sure, it was given star treatment thanks to Ashton ("I Really Just Want To Be Close To You, Bruce") Kutcher and Kevin ("I'll Take It!") Costner in The Guardian, and the DG noted that some movie called, Yours, Mine, and Ours, starring the encouragable Dennis Quaid as a Coast Guard Admiral, apparently exists as well, but other than that I couldn't name a single other Coastie movie.

Anyway, so it turns out there are over 50 movies that feature the Coast Guard, at least in some capacity! I stumbled across this great website, which also has some old movie posters, and shows that even John Wayne has portrayed a Coastie! Crazy, shows how much I know. Anyway, it's an interesting site, check it out.

Alright, I guess that's all I got for now, I'll be better about posting. Probably.

President Awesome Beard and Vice President Mutton Chops

2008-01-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

As anyone who follows media coverage of the presidential primaries knows, Mike "Gomer Pyle" Huckabee and Barack "Osama" Obama (alternative nickname, "Dumbo Ears") have secured the Republican and Democratic Party nominations, respectively. This is because Iowa holds all of the necessary party delegates, as evidenced by the large amount of coverage given to such a usually uninfluential state. How did Iowa and New Hampshire, the two most irrelevant states in the United States, get to decide the major parties' nominees? Who knows, but that's the way it is, so you have to suck it up, bitch.

Anyway, so the Disgruntled Investor is disappointed in the two choices we have for president, as he is every year. Even if Michael Bloomberg decides to run, that still won't reverse the fact that the single most important factor in a successful presidency has been missing for about 100 years:

Awesome facial hair.

The only candidate right now who even comes close is Alan Keyes, with a pretty good black man moustache, but it's hardly a consolation to those of us who appreciate a good beard. I'd even settle for some good mid-19th century mutton chops at this point, but, alas, as the Disgruntled Girlfriend tells me, facial hair is out. That's funny, because that's not what she told me earlier...

To prove my point, here are some of the best beards or facial hair on the best U.S. Presidents (who, by definition, are judged by the hair on their faces):

1.) 1880 - Best Hairy Ticket Award - James Garfield (Pres.)/ Chester A. Arthur (VP)

If there was a facial hair Hall of Fame, there would be a bronze statue of Chester A. Arthur outside. I mean, take a look at that incredible mutton chop sideburn stache! Just stellar. In 1880, Arthur ran as the running mate to James Garfield, who had spent many years growing the kind of beard that you would expect a bird to be living in. This beard style enjoyed a brief resurgence following its appearance as Kevin McAllister's weird neighbor in the first "Home Alone."

2.) The Beard That Won The War Award - Ulysses S. Grant, 1868-1877

Some might argue that President Grant's administration was among the most corrupt and scandalous in United States history, but I say the only scandal is that he wasn't allowed to continue his Presidency for the rest of his natural life...and beyond. Grant had a solid beard, with really good coverage. I bring this up because certain friends of mine have problems growing beards. Not that it stops them at all, but when they do try to grow it in, it ends up patchy in certain areas, and they end up looking like lepers or homeless people. Actually, most homeless guys I see have pretty stellar beards as well, so scratch that comparison.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Grant had a really good beard. And he won the Civil War. What did you ever do with your life?

3.) The Rutherford B. Hayes Beard Award...

...Goes to (opening envelope) - RUTHERFORD B. HAYES!!

4.) The *Asterisk* Best Beard Award - Abraham Lincoln - 1860-1865

See, this is why Abe gets an *asterisk, much like Barry Bonds' home run ball. When he ran for (and won) the presidency in 1860, he looked like this. Nothing impressive about that at all, which is, of course, why the South seceded. And why the North was losing the shit out of the Civil War early on. Who can get inspired by that naked weak chin?? (Not that Jefferson Davis had much going on either, to be fair, but at least he looked like Skeletor, and had a little hipster goatee!)

No, the Lincoln Presidency didn't really define itself until he started getting the now recognizable scraggly beard that defined his overall mental patient appearance.

That beard saved the nation. Should be a lesson to all.

5.) Finally, the Last Beard Award - Benjamin Harrison - 1888

No, that's not Colonel Sanders, that's our last bearded President, Benjamin Harrison, who was famous for something called the McKinley Tariff. And, evidently, for killing off the prestige of the beard. Maybe he shouldn't get an award.

-Honorary Still Holding On Award - William Henry Taft - 1908

Taft was our last President with facial hair...OF ANY KIND! He's got a really good Wild West villain moustache, which gets him this honorary award. Plus, he was our fattest President, which is pretty great as well.

But, seriously, it's been 100 years since facial hair went out of style on Presidents?!?!? Unacceptable, especially since it hasn't gone out of style with us commoners. I, for one, long for the golden age of the mid to late 1800's, when our Presidents were hairy and Congressmen beat the shit out of each other with their walking canes.

Now it looks like our best hope for a President with facial hair is Hillary!

My New Year's Resolution

2008-01-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

So, clearly it's been a while since I've posted on here, and for that, I apologize. I'm not sure who is still even checking the site to see if I still care, but I do. I've just been taking a bit of a vacation.

Anyway, I'd like to post my one monumental New Year's resolution. Now, it is true, I do have some minor resolutions - chiefly among them being to reduce my (real estate driven) debt and increase my (real estate depleted) savings, and also to get myself in better physical shape. But, none are as potentially life-changing as this one:

I'm not going to watch a single sports game on TV for the rest of the year.

This includes professional, college, high school, pee-wee, or stick drawings. Not a single one. Fuck televised sports, that's my mantra for 2008.

Now, I will still watch the occasional event in person - I have to include this in here, since I will be attending at least 10 Washington Nationals games this year. But, I will not watch them on TV.

I will also be watching Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. But that's it. Nationals games in person at the stadium, and Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. The sole two exceptions to my resolution. The Nats games are already paid for and planned, and Women's Beach Volleyball...well, c'mon, I'm not watching them for the competitive aspect.

As I write this, there are about 2 minutes left in the Redskins/Seahawks wild card playoff game, and the Redskins are down two touchdowns. They were up 14-13 with about 6 minutes left to play in this game. Then the Disgruntled Investor Collorary kicked in - any team I support is going to crash and burn. I have turned that game off, and do not plan on turning it back on, so I have no idea how it ended (prediction, Redskins lost). This also happened a week ago, as UVA blew a 21-7 lead to lose the Gator Bowl, thanks in no small part to ACC Coach of the Year Al Groh's STELLAR playcalling. There's nothing quite like helplessly watching your coach (or your coach's son in this case) calling for a passing play on 1st (or 2nd) down with 3 minutes left in the game, with the lead, backed up deep in your own territory, with a freshman QB in the game who looks like he's 12 years old. You know what's going to happen, but, shit, what the fuck can you do?

And there's the rub.

Why put myself through this shit anymore? I've spent my life dealing with this. I've watched the Braves dominate the regular season, then choke in the postseason. I've watched UVA football squander countless future NFL FIRST ROUND draft picks, I've watched UVA basketball continue to eschew any inside game YEAR AFTER YEAR, and, predictably, fail miserably at some point in the season (this season features a rare EARLY set of failures!) I've watched Gilbert Arenas get hurt at some crucial point in the season. Honestly, that's it. I'm done with this. I'm taking a year-long sports vacation.

So, apart from a few Nationals games where I'm actually at the stadium watching what is essentially a meaningless regular season game, and apart from ogling over the Swedish Women's Beach Volleyball team in Beijing (do they have beaches there??), I will not watch another sporting event until January 5, 2009.

And that's a promise.

P.S. This includes checking sports scores online during the games - a technicality the Disgruntled Girlfriend pointed out, while subsequently noting (along with the Disgruntled Childhood Friend) that I have no chance of pulling this off. F That, No Sports (except which I've previously noted) until 1/5/09 (if not later!).

Merry Disgruntled Christmas!!

2007-12-25T01:32:00.000-05:00

And Happy Holidays to everyone!

$30 Million

2007-12-14T12:55:00.000-05:00

So the Mitchell Report, aka The Oogety Boogety Steroid Report, came out yesterday. I've already addressed my feelings on steroid "investigations" in baseball, so I'm not going to get into that again. Suffice to say, I think this whole brouhaha is stupid, hypocritical and, ultimately, irrelevant. But, hey, it's good to see George Mitchell finding some work, right?

There were three things, however, that caught my eye when I looked at the report:

1.) The sheer uselessness of steroids. My friend Mike, aka The Disgruntled Sports Fan (so-called because he follows Baltimore sports and Angelos could disgruntle an orgasm), noted that there were 13 (13!!) current or former Baltimore Orioles players on the list. No one doubted Brady Anderson's inclusion (50 home runs is clearly the anomoly on the back of his baseball cards), but some of the other names (Gibbons, Grimsley, Jerry Hairston, little Brian Roberts??) were a surprise. You would think that with that much extra "juice" they could have put together a winning season at some point.

From my Nats, I was amused to see fragile Nook Logan on the list. I would have been less surprised to find Robert Fick on the list than Nook. Also, Mike Stanton's steroids sure seemed to help opposing batters hit off of him while he was in Washington. Jesus, steroids don't help for shit!

2.) Steroids are expensive...

3.) ...but not as expensive, apparently, as THE MITCHELL REPORT! $30 million dollars. 30 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS?!!?! And just in case you were wondering, yes, that's $30 million in taxpayer funds. And to produce, what, a paparazzi outing list intended solely to sully careers?? Look, I don't condone steroid use, I think it's pathetic, but what is really going to come of all of this? Selig says he'll punish the players, but as several legal experts have pointed out, he'd lose any punishment on appeal, since a.) most of this is hearsay, which is not specifically covered in the list of punishable offenses, and b.) the report was not a result of collective bargaining, so the players union is going to appeal ANY punishment doled out. Playing the percentages, I think the union is going to come out ahead on this one.

Do I think these players named used performance enhancing drugs? Yeah, probably. Do I care? Not at all. Again, the players on the list who were mediocre at best is more numerous than the Miguel Tejadas, Andy Pettites, and Roger Clemenses.

Speaking of Roger Clemens, the worst sports website on the internet has a poll on its front page, asking "Sports Nation" voters, "Would Roger Clemens get your vote for the Hall of Fame?" I'm not a huge Clemens fan, but, I mean, seriously, how is that even in question? As has been pointed out a million times before, if you left all "cheaters" out of the Hall, it would be about half the size it is now. President Bush remarked that the Mitchell Report means that "we can jump to this conclusion: that steroids have sullied the game." 60 players or so is such a small percentage that I think that's a bit extreme.

I don't know, I just think this was an enormous waste of time. There were no real bombshells (seriously, not even Clemens), nothing is really going to come of this, and now all you have is a bunch of pissed off players with high priced lawyers. And you know what that means.

Blah blah blah, you know what? I like watching towering home runs and pitchers who can hit 100 MPH. It's a sport, a game. If 60 senators were found to be tripping balls during Congressional sessions, that would require a Congressional investigation. For a game? Please. As my boss pointed out, there are 30 million better ways to spend our taxpayer dollars.

Steroids are bad, mm-kay, but if you're concerned about its proliferation, TEST EVERYONE. It's not rocket science.

Bang-kok!

2007-12-13T07:41:00.000-05:00

From Breitbart TV...

"Sometimes they chop into pieces. In those cases we cannot put it back."

Violated

2007-12-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's a dark day for the Disgruntled Investor, as The Shadow Disgruntled Girlfriend, Jessica Alba, has apparently been impregnated by someone named "Cash". And no, that's not his last name. I can't help but think that if I only had a little more cash of my own, this would not have happened. This is even worse news than when Katie Holmes was implanted by her Scientology handlers with an alien baby. (Note to DG: No, Tom Cruise did not stick his wee-wee in her hoo-hah. Argument over.)

Stinky Tofu

2007-12-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

When we first met the Chinese businessmen, it was at a “Welcome to Shanghai” dinner held in our honor at a corporate retreat compound on the outskirts of the city. Our study abroad group had landed in Shanghai the previous day after two weeks of playing tourist in Beijing and Xian. I was battling the effects of undercooked meat from a hot-pot dinner in Xian and had not yet discovered the benefits of the colon-cleansing drug Cipro. We arrived at the compound via tour bus, expecting a polite introduction to the movers and shakers of Shanghai business and government. There was even a promise (or threat) of a karaoke machine. The choice between the dinner and recovering in my dorm room was closer than one might think, but I reluctantly went along thinking that maybe they would offer us a cold beer or two to calm the rumbling abyss that was my stomach.

The first surprise of the night came when we found out that we were to be randomly placed at tables with four classmates paired with four or five of our hosts. I was seated with Ricky, Saul, and Margie from our group. Our Chinese hosts at the table were Kerry, George, Jen, and Sunshine/Mr. Lee (the Chinese often take English names when conducting business with Westerners, and Sunshine/Mr. Lee picked two). Our hosts welcomed us graciously and, in a bit of foreshadowing of things to come, made us chug a beer before we even sat down.

Laid out before us, family-style, was a cornucopia of Chinese dishes. Kung-pao chicken, sautéed prawns, beef and broccoli, various noodle dishes, various tofu dishes, a whole fish (head attached), rice (of course) and several other rich-smelling foods were spread on the dolly, awaiting their turn in front of our plates. All of the food turned out to be delicious, particularly the prawns, but we soon learned that the night was not to be about the food.

Glancing around during the night, it became obvious that some tables were getting along better than others. At some tables, quiet and reserved American students were seated with quiet and reserved Chinese bureaucrats. You could hear the chewing at these tables, and the aura of awkward hung high above them. Other tables appeared to be more congenial, and pleasant conversations ensued. Our table turned out to be the drunkards’ table. They had, completely by accident, paired four of the most notorious partiers from the “Summer in Shanghai” group with four of the wildest Chinese revelers. With coquettish but aggressive waitresses refusing to allow our wine glasses and beer mugs (everyone at the table had both a wine glass and a beer mug) to sink even to three-quarters full, our table quickly accomplished the dual goals of making asses of ourselves and becoming the envy of every other table in the room.

In Chinese, ganbei literally means “empty glass.” Every time anyone yelled “ganbei!” to someone, both the yeller and the yellee became instantly immersed in a chugging contest. Inevitably, someone else at the table felt left out, so you were then forced to ganbei with them. After clinking glasses (trying to clink lower on the other person’s glass to prove yourself more humble than the other) one opened one’s gullet and gulped either the plum wine or the pijou (mainly Tsingtao or Suntory beer) down, eliciting cheers from the rest of the table. Needless to say, everyone at the table quickly became he jiu (or, roughly translated, piss-ass drunk). By the end of the night, I had tried my hand at karaoke (which I hate), had abandoned my boxer shorts in the bathroom (damn that hot-pot and its ill effects on the ass!) and, along with the other Americans at the table, had made new Chinese friends to show us the finer points of Shanghai’s swinging nightlife.

Our hangovers had barely had time to subside when we received a call from Kerry the next day. America’s Independence Day was coming up soon, and he and his friends wanted to take me, Ricky, Saul, and Margie out to celebrate. Falling on a Thursday, this 4th of July night on the town would mean another rough morning of Chinese classes the next day. Despite that, we quickly accepted, though Margie was somewhat concerned about their insistence on the presence of the “pretty blonde girl.” We also invited our fellow classmate Eric, because he had the craziest dance moves anyone had ever seen, and we knew that would be much appreciated by our Chinese hosts.

As our other classmates rolled their eyes and my roommate prepared himself for my imminent drunken return, the four of us left for the front gates of East China Normal University, where Kerry and Sunshine/Mr. Lee met us with a waiting car. We drove along the crowded streets of Shanghai, narrowly avoiding the multitude of cars, buses, and bicyclists, some of whom had so many parcels loaded onto their backs that it seemed to defy the very laws of physics. Finally, we arrived in one of the ritzier areas of the city, and were led into a restaurant that appeared at first to have no patrons. As we weaved through the hallways, we soon realized that instead of one large dining area, the place was set up with several large private rooms, each equipped with a large table and attendants in each corner. The rooms were filled with pieces of Chinese art (both framed and on scrolls) and gentle Chinese classical music came from an unseen speaker. Our Chinese friends had brought their boss along, a dignified gentleman named “Ark.” As in, Noah’s Ark.

Like our “Welcome to Shanghai” dinner before, a cornucopia of dishes appeared on the dolly and the attendants made sure we remained permanently soused. Unlike that dinner, however, a new dish with a pungent stench made an appearance. I would say that it was an unwelcome surprise, but our Chinese hosts could not get enough of this treat and practically climbed over each other to snag a piece. Meanwhile, the dish sat on the dolly, looking at us. Ricky and I looked at each other with trepidation, fully aware that at some point in the night, we were going to have to eat a bit of the chou doufu, or “stinky tofu.”

Stinky tofu had gained somewhat of an urban legend mythology among those of us on this trip. While a few others on the trip had actually tried it (and one guy actually liked it), most of us had been exposed to stinky tofu only through the rotten milk smell we noticed occasionally while walking the streets of Shanghai. Often described to us as the “national dish” of China, stinky tofu is made by frying squares of baked tofu and then leaving those squares outside until mold has accumulated on them. The mold is then scraped off, a spicy red sauce covers the squares, and the stinky tofu is then, I’m told, ready for human consumption. Describing the smell as “rotten milk” actually does this dish no justice. The actual smell is far more complex. Mixed in with the rotten milk aroma is a hint of human, or possibly animal depending on the region, excrement. Like a fine wine, stinky tofu’s flavor increases with age and may contain sediments, possibly from the normal dirt and grime of the city. Shanghai appeared to be the Napa Valley of stinky tofu.

The night that America celebrated her independence from England, Ricky and I were frantically trying to come up with ways to divest ourselves from our obligation to try everything at the table. Whenever the dolly would present the stinky tofu plate in front of us, we would quickly twirl the dolly around, as the smell alone was turning our stomachs. Meanwhile, we stuffed ourselves with noodles, green beans, shrimp, and non-stinky tofu squares. Many ganbei’s commenced, with toasts to us, to them, to Russia, to Mao, to George Washington, to Margie (several times), and to each of us individually. The dolly kept its clockwise spin, providing us with the finest food Shanghai had to offer. All the while, our Chinese hosts mumbled conspiratorially to each other while looking in our direction. Finally, Judgment Day arrived.

“You have not tried the chou doufu.”

“Are you sure? I thought I had.” Nice. Clever.

“Oh, no, we have been waiting for you to eat it. It is delicious dish.”

“Thanks, but I think I’m getting pretty full, what about you Ricky?”

“Yeah, me too, but thanks.”

“We have saying in China," Kerry noted, "until you eat chou doufu, you are not a man.”

Now wait just a cotton-picking minute here! They had clearly crossed the line. I was pretty sure whether or not we ate moldy bean curd had no bearing on our manhoods. But, then again, the Chinese were an ancient, wise people. And, as Ricky and I were quite drunk at this point, they had managed to push the right button.

“Well then, I guess we’re just going to have to become men then, huh?” This elicited great cheers at the table. Kerry swiveled the dolly until the foul, vile dish appeared in front of us. The stinky tofu laughed - an evil, sinister laugh. We tentatively fidgeted our chopsticks over the plate as sweat droplets appeared on our foreheads. Finally, we broke off a piece and drenched it in the spicy sauce. Everyone at the table grew quiet and leaned forward in anticipation. Those bastards knew exactly what was going to happen, but, like a frat hazing, we had little choice. We closed our eyes and shoved the piece of stinky tofu into our mouths.

During my stay in China, I tried all manners of strange foods. I ate roasted bug larvae, roasted scorpion (not bad, like a French fry), rattlesnake, pigeon, cow stomach, and some things that I had no idea what they were. I managed to gulp each of these down with a laugh and a smile, and was actually surprised at the edibility of several of these delicacies. This was not the case with the stinky tofu. From the moment that bite entered my open mouth, my body was screaming, “bad idea!” The palate-wrecking sourness of this single bite still haunts me. Adding to the rotten milk/excrement taste was the incredibly spicy sauce that, far from complimenting the tofu, only enhanced its unique taste characteristics. Ricky started gagging, and I quickly swallowed, hoping the evil would leave my mouth upon the absence of the stinky tofu. I was mistaken in that belief. I grabbed for my glass of beer, and tried to drown the taste out. Instead I created a new lingering taste – rotten milk/shit/spicy red sauce/beer – which made it worse. I was near panic. However, my brain decided to kick in at this point (where were you a minute ago, jackass?). I grabbed the first non-stinky tofu plate I could see, and began shoving prawns, beef and broccoli, and anything else I could find into my mouth to mask the taste. This method, thankfully, lessened the blow somewhat. Our Chinese hosts fell out of their chairs laughing at us. But, at least for now, we were men.

With hints of chou doufu still on our breath, we finished our meal and headed out to a bar in the new and trendy Xin Tian Di neighborhood to continue the 4th of July celebration. It was the beginning of monsoon season in Shanghai, and as we stepped outside to our waiting car the rain was blowing sideways, though not all that hard. We drove to a classy bar full of Chinese and American patrons, and seated ourselves at a large table overlooking the dance floor. On the stage, a rock cover band from America was playing. We ordered tall glasses of beers and shandys. After a few beers and a dozen failed explanations of how in America if a girl is pretty we say she is “hot” (or "re" in Chinese), repeatedly using Margie as a reference, we decided to head for the dance floor to check out the band. This would also (as Ricky, Margie, Saul and I knew) provide an opportunity for our Chinese hosts to witness Eric’s “trance” dancing.

As he had explained to us numerous times, when the music is pumping and he enters the dance floor, Eric loses all control of himself. He develops a vision of falling through the sky while trying to juggle a large orb (his words). As it turns out, this is exactly what he looks like while dancing. Completely unaware of his surroundings, Eric flails his arms, legs, and head around in what can best be described as a faster version of Elaine Bennis’ dance moves from Seinfeld. It is both the most hilarious and most astounding sight any of us had ever witnessed (and we had watched this numerous times while in China). We couldn’t wait to see the reaction of our Chinese hosts.

Eric entered the dance floor and quickly cleared it, as the other astounded patrons expected that his moves would morph into an old-school breakdance show. This, of course, did not happen. Moving completely oblivious to the actual beat of the music, Eric began flailing and twitching with a vacant look in his eyes. As we started simultaneously shaking our heads and laughing, our Chinese hosts leapt onto the dance floor, and began dancing exactly like Eric. Perhaps they thought this was the latest American dance craze. Perhaps they wanted to lessen his embarrassment. For whatever reason, the result was electric. Everyone else commenced dancing, all mimicking our friend Eric. We looked at each other, shrugged, and joined in on the “trance” dancing, the lot of us resembling a pack of zombies being electrocuted. Oh well, when in Shanghai…

After that night, we caught up with our new Chinese friends a couple of other times (including once in Morgantown, West Virginia, where they had gone to study business English at West Virginia University), and were always shown the best time Shanghai had to offer. We definitely experienced true Shanghainese hospitality each time. However, years later, I swear I can still taste that awful stinky tofu, no matter what I try to wash it down with.

BASICly The Best *

2007-12-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

Normally, if I add a link to my "Sites That Make Me Less Disgruntled" it happens with little to no fanfare. However, I just found a site (thanks to this CNN article) that I think deserves special mention.

C64 is a website devoted to the greatest of great computers, the Commodore 64. Every one of us who grew up in the 80's either had or knew someone who had this computer. Boasting a whopping 64 KB of RAM (not enough for 1 MP3 song now), this computer set the standard for all gaming devices that would follow it. I learned (and have subsequently forgotten) BASIC programming on this computer, often spending my nerdish youth creating my own games. And, speaking of games, there were hundreds of them available on durable floppy disk. We used to go down to the Quantico PX and get them off a rack for $5 each.

Anyway, this site has, among other features, an emulator for playing most, if not all, of the awesome games the C64 had to offer, so, I'd highly recommend checking it out. It'll be at the top of the Disgruntled Sites section for a while.

By the way, the picture above is of the single hardest game (but also one of the most fun) I had on the C64, "Transformers."

*Give me a break, it's been a long week, and that's the best I could come up with...

Happy Hamukah!!

2007-12-06T10:34:00.001-05:00

The Great Blizzard

2007-12-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

Here in the DC-Metro area, it's the first snow of the winter. Initial forecasts of one inch have ballooned up to at least 3 inches, and from the looks of things it might be even more than that. I am, of course, stuck here at work, but my large office window affords me nice views of the white barrage.

I always like looking out at a snowstorm in progress, especially as it always reminds me of my first winter in Fredericksburg, VA. In early January 1996, the area experienced what has come to be known as "The Great Blizzard of '96." Since that snow melted, the event has taken on steadily growing mythical proportions. It even has its own Wikipedia page!

It always amuses me when this topic comes up around a mixed crowd of people who experienced it and newer arrivals to the area. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Guy 1: "I hear we're supposed to get like 5 inches of snow - that'd be a lot."
Guy 2: "Yeah, but nothing like '96."
Guy 1: "OH MAN - THAT WAS AMAZING, WE WERE OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT!!"
Guy 2: "I know, we had some wicked hills to sled down. I built a fort. Sweet."
Girl 1 [who wasn't there in '96]: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head, as this is the 5,624th time she's heard this exact conversation)

And heaven help that new arrival if he/she tries to compare that storm with any other snowstorm in the history of mankind. There's no comparison. The Great Blizzard of '96 beats all others. Seriously, two weeks straight off school. Forget about it.

Anyway, my memories of that time leave me pining as well. Despite having an ill-timed tooth-ache that made breathing in the cold air a painful endeavor, I was out in that snow every single day, either with my sled or snowboard. At the time, I was a sophomore in high school, and had been suddenly given the dual gifts of extended time off of school and several feet of winter wonderland snow.

"You know, they're probably just going to add this time on to the end of the school year," my mother pooh-poohingly noted. But, no matter, we lived for the moment, and the moment was pretty grand.

Our Shelty puppy, 3 months old and a snow virgin, lost his mind in the snow. One of the funniest memories I have of the Great Blizzard is our dog running down our porch steps, amazed we were letting him out leash-free, only to quickly find two feet of snow above his head. Confused as hell, he had to frog-leap his way around the yard, until finally he had enough and frog-leapt his way back to the porch. "Fuck that," he said, shook himself off, and went back inside, much to the consternation of my mother, who had just cleaned that floor, dammit.

Our house was situated on a cul-de-sac at the bottom of a large hill, which, unencumbered by car traffic due to the roads not being cleared yet, became a great, if slightly precarious, sledding/snowboarding hill for us. We would spend hours sliding down the hill, then slowly trudging up the hill, then sliding back down the hill. It was simple, cheap fun.

At least once a day, we would see a figure waddling towards us, a greasy looking guy in a ski cap made to resemble dred-locks. This was my next-door neighbor's 24 year old (at least physically) son Dave. He was, without a doubt, the single weirdest person I've ever met.

"Dudes!" he would exclaim as he approached, and we all prepared ourselves for the impending idiotic and annoying conversation.

"Dudes! I just found out how to make homemade L.S.D."

"Oh yeah, how about that...," we would dismissively answer.

"Yeah, it's real easy! Get a bottle, and put a banana peel and some aspirin inside. Then, just let it sit for a few days, and, DUDE, you got some strong L.S.D.!"

"That's great, Dave, you should go try that out."

"(laughing like Spicoli from "Fast Times") Dude, that's what I'm on my way to do!"

Then, he would give us a surfer's wave, and snowboard down the hill, wiping out at least five times on the way down. And we would move on to another hill, in case he decided to come back, all high on bananas and aspirin.

Yes, there will never be another time like The Great Blizzard of '96, but, who knows, it's still snowing pretty hard out there.

Diabolical!!!

2007-12-03T15:37:00.000-05:00

The Disgruntled Investor has a new favorite TV show, Ninja Warrior, on G4. Combining the best elements of American Gladiator, Iron Chef, Street Fighter (the video game, not the movie), Street Fighter (the movie, not the video game), Jackass, and a costume party, Ninja Warrior is, simply, the greatest thing I have ever seen on a television screen. If you enjoy crazy Japanese announcers with incredibly translated subtitles, and contestants who play on every single stereotype you can think of, this is the show for you.

For those of you who haven't yet had a chance to experience this show, which contains numerous instances of awesomeness, hilarity, and awesomeness, I've included a clip below of the "Top 5 Ninja Warrior Wipeouts" that should have you running to your TV, weeknights at 6 and 10 PM, to bask in its glow.

Yes, Yes, Ya'll. We Don't Stop.

2007-11-28T09:37:00.000-05:00

Yo, yo, yo, the Singapore Media Development Authoritay is in the hizzay, beotch! Step to us and we'll cane yo' ass, stank ass hiz-oh!

Happy Wednesday! Today we learn how to rhyme words like "R&D" with "cup of tea," drop dope lyrics such as, "like an LCD screen, you get a clear picture," and appreciate that Asians can not only fly and shoot fire out of their hands, they can also rap! All from the group that recently decided to ban a video game in Singapore for alien lesbian sex - fo' shizzle.

Me so efficient!

Sean Taylor and Michael Wilbon

2007-11-27T17:44:00.000-05:00

Well, today has seen the tragic and infuriating end to the Sean Taylor shooting saga. As a Redskins fan and a Sean Taylor fan, it merely serves to extend what I referred to earlier as one of the worst weekends of sports in my memory.

Here's what nationally syndicated columnist and PTI host Michael Wilbon had to say in a chat about what he tastefully calls "the latest strange episode relating to Taylor"!

McLean, Va.: Will your opinion of Taylor change if this does not turn out to be a random incident (e.g. home invasion)?

Michael Wilbon: No ... people's opinions are shaped by the way they've grown up, the way they see the world, what they know about the world the person in question grew up in, etc. Sean Taylor isn't the only guy I know who fits his general profile. I've known guys like Taylor all my life, grew up with some. They still have shades of gray and shouldn't be painted in black and white...I know how I feel about Taylor, and this latest news isn't surprising in the least, not to me. Whether this incident is or isn't random, Taylor grew up in a violent world, embraced it, claimed it, loved to run in it and refused to divorce himself from it. He ain't the first and won't be the last. We have no idea what happened, or if what we know now will be revised later. It's sad, yes, but hardly surprising....Everybody's circumstance is different. But it always seemed to me that Sean Taylor loves his life and the way he's living and has no instinct to change...

Now, I'm far too lazy to scroll down in my blog and see if I've hit on this before, but I do not like Michael Wilbon. He's no Tony Kornheiser, and is on a very short list of the nation's top blowhards (I believe he resides just to the left of Lou Dobbs there). Wilbon tends to turn everything that happens, good or bad, into a broader societal issue. Sean Taylor certainly lived somewhat of a thuggish life early on, but all indications are that he had changed, and dramatically.

Wilbon's thought on that, however, was this:

Columbia, Md.: What makes you think that Taylor was still embracing his old ways? Everything we have heard from the Redskins and Portis is that this is a new Sean. Apparently the birth of his child really helped to straighten him out. Is this contrary to what you know?

Michael Wilbon: Sorry, but I'm not in the habit of having companies with their own public relations agenda tell me about black men and what they feel or don't feel. Pardon me if I'm not that easy.

Hahahaha, well, thank God he's not easy.

Now, I'm not suggesting that there aren't greater societal issues corresponding to this incident (for example, Jemele Hill of ESPN.com notes that this just adds to the statistic that the leading cause of death for African-American males aged 15 to 24 is homicide), I'm just saying this is not the right time to get into it, and Wilbon is certainly not the right person to do it. I've read Kornheiser and Wilbon's columns since I was about 11, and I've always noticed that Kornheiser has always been able to keep a sense of humor and perspective about him, while Wilbon tends to let his emotions get ahead of him. I certainly empathize with his concerns about the consequences of a thuggish lifestyle, but to suggest that Sean Taylor had it coming is not just insensitive, it's wrong. No one ever "has it coming" (outside of Muslim extremists and Michael Moore), but more importantly people certainly can change. For every Michael Vick who continues to hang out with his boys from home, there is a Sean Taylor who decides that his old life is not conducive to his success as a player, companion, and father. Sean Taylor did not have this coming, and it is a terrible tragedy that hopefully, one day, Michael Wilbon and his ilk can accept as something that was certainly not deserving.

R.I.P. #21

Why Don't You Make Like A Tree...

2007-11-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

From The Telegraph...

Tree man 'who grew roots' may be cured
By Matthew Moore

An Indonesian fisherman who feared that he would be killed by tree-like growths covering his body has been given hope of recovery by an American doctor - and Vitamin A.

Dede, now 35, baffled medical experts when warty "roots" began growing out of his arms and feet after he cut his knee in a teenage accident.

The welts spread across his body unchecked and soon he was left unable to carry out everyday household tasks.

Sacked from his job and deserted by his wife, Dede has been raising his two children - now in their late teens - in poverty, resigned to the fact that local doctors had no cure for his condition.

To make ends meet he even joined a local "freak show", parading in front of a paying audience alongside victims of other peculiar diseases.

Although supported by his extended family, he was often a target of abuse and ridicule in his rural fishing village.

But now an American dermatology expert who flew out to Dede's home village south of the capital Jakarta claims to have identified his condition, and proposed a treatment that could transform his life.

After testing samples of the lesions and Dede's blood, Dr Anthony Gaspari of the University of Maryland concluded that his affliction is caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), a fairly common infection that usually causes small warts to develop on sufferers.

Dede's problem is that he has a rare genetic fault that impedes his immune system, meaning his body is unable to contain the warts.

The virus was therefore able to "hijack the cellular machinery of his skin cells", ordering them to produce massive amounts of the substance that caused the tree-like growths known as "cutaneous horns" on his hands and feet.

Dede's counts of a key type of white blood cell are so low that Dr Gaspari initially suspected he may have the Aids virus.

But tests showed he did not, and it became clear that Dede's immune condition was something far rarer and more mysterious.

Warts aside, he had enjoyed remarkable good health throughout his life - which would not be expected of someone with a suppressed immune system - and neither his parents nor his siblings have shown signs of developing lesions.

"The likelihood of having his deficiency is less than one in a million," Dr Gaspari told the Telegraph.

Dr Gaspari, who became involved in the case through a Discovery Channel documentary, believes that Dede's condition can be largely cleared up by a daily doses of a synthetic form of Vitamin A, which has been shown to arrest the growth of warts in severe cases of HPV.

"He won't have a perfectly normal body but the warts should reduce in size to the point where he could use his hands," Dr Gaspari said.

"Over the course of three to six months the warts should be come smaller and fewer in number. He will be living a more normal life."

The most resilient warts could then be frozen off and the growths on his hands and feet surgically removed.

Dr Gaspari hopes to get the necessary drugs free of charge from pharmaceutical firms. They would then be administered by Indonesian doctors under his supervision.

Still intrigued by the origins of Dede's peculiar immune condition, the doctor would like to fly him to the United States for further examination, but fears the financial and bureaucratic barriers would prove too difficult to overcome.

"I would like to bring him to the US to run tests on where his immune condition has come from, but I would need funding and to get him a visa as well as someone to cover the costs of the tests," he said.

"I've never seen anything like this in my entire career."

One Disgruntled Weekend

2007-11-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

So, in the course of 24 hours, this is what I, as a Washington area sports fan, was subjected to:

Virginia Tech 33, Virginia 21 (football)
Seton Hall 74, Virginia 60 (basketball)
Memphis Grizzlies 124, Washington Wizards 118 [Also, Arenas out for 3 months]
Tampa Bay Bucaneers 19, Washington Redskins 13 [Also, Sean Taylor GOT SHOT IN THE GROIN...]

Virginia lost the football game primarily because, as the Washington Redskins of college football, our terrible secondary refuses to cover anybody, instead playing a light Cover-2 that allows unchecked 15 yard passes throughout the game. Also, Jameel Sewell, like Jason Campbell, far too often makes hasty passes when he should just use his natural running ability and scramble for a first down. But, what can you do? The Disgruntled Girlfriend yesterday remarked that, hey, 9-3 is a pretty good season. I quickly corrected her and said no, it's not. We lost to two horrible teams, and the only decent team we beat turned out to be Connecticut. It was at best a mediocre year. Sorry, I have low standards as a UVA fan, but this was pretty unbearable. Al Groh's not out of the woods with me yet. Of course, he'll probably get ACC coach of the year.

The UVA basketball loss to Seton is too terrible to even talk about. We can beat Arizona on the road but not Seton Hall on a neutral court.

Finally, the Wizards are the Wizards, and the Redskins are the Redskins. What can you do? Allow me to be among the first to suggest the unsuggestable - perhaps it's time for a coaching change for the Redskins. I hear Bill Cowher's available.

Anyway, so this weekend has me seriously considering a sports suicide - completely eschewing all sports watching, sports following, and sports caring. It's just getting too difficult to emotionally invest myself in these stupid games where these stupid teams make stupid mistakes and stupid lose. It drives me crazy that Boston-area fans right now are having an orgiastic feast while my teams, pretty much throughout my sporting life, have consistently let me down. Though I followed sports religiously through baseball and football cards throughout my 80's childhood, my loyalties were primarily directed towards individual players, as opposed to specific teams. My team loyalties, for some reason, emerged in 1991 - when, following a move down to Savannah, Georgia, I started following the Atlanta Braves, the Washington Redskins (the Falcons were, and always will be, utterly unloved in the state of Georgia), and the Washington Bullets.

From 1991 on, this is what I've gotten:
-Exactly one good year from the Redskins (thanks to this guy)
-The best regular season team, and worst playoff team, in baseball
-The Washington Bullets/Wizards

My college years found me residing at my beloved University of Virginia, where despite regular NFL draft picks (Tiki and Ronde Barber, Thomas Jones, Heath Miller, Matt Schaub, Wali Lundy, Patrick Kerney, etc.), the football team has consistently underachieved. Then, of course, there was the Pete Gillen basketball era - which saw numerous police arrests, an utter breakdown in discipline, and zero NCAA tournament wins. Thankfully, Dave Leitao seems to have turned things around, but, then there's that Seton Hall loss.

I've never, ever, experienced the sheer joy of a dynasty. I've never, ever, felt like any of my teams was going to blow out an opponent. I've never, ever, felt confident in a championship run. I feel like the dealer is constantly hitting 21 against my hard 20's. It's utterly, completely frustrating.

So, as of now, consider me on sports suicide watch.

(P.S. This is, of course, not to belittle the enormity of actual suicides, which is of course a very serious matter. Just wanted to head that off at the pass...)

Turkey Lurkey Dickle

2007-11-21T12:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Unless, of course, she's a Robo-Bitch...

2007-11-20T22:36:00.001-05:00

Fellas, you ever want to just shut off that talkie girlfriend/wife/post-op transvestite lover of yours after you've given her a good rogerin'?

Ladies, you ever wish your man/butch lesbian girlfriend named Rosie would just pleasure you and then do some chores around the house?

Well, hope you can wait until 2050!!

So, This Isn't Really Funny, But...

2007-11-19T09:15:00.000-05:00

With all of the ridiculous bullshit that's happened at and with my two rental houses, one thing had been conspicuously absent. That one thing happened this past week.

On Saturday, I met with the parents of one of my tenants, who, a few days before, had apparently tried to commit suicide in spectacular fashion - driving his car, sans seatbelt or identification, at full speed down the street into a busy intersection. He crashed the car, luckily not into someone else, totalling the car, but sparing himself physically. Evidently this was the second attempt he's made in the past year (once before he moved into my place, which was news to me), and he is now expected to stay six months in a mental health facility.

As he was paid up through the month, from a landlord perspective this isn't going to create any problems. I'll get someone else in his room (arguably the best of the rooms in the house), and that will be that. But, especially in a week in which someone else close to me apparently tried to slit their wrists, it's a bit of a drag. I'm glad that the tenant survived and is ok, at least physically, but this is all getting just a bit too ridiculous. I kind of feel like Jim Carrey in "Truman Show," when he realizes something is odd.

Anyway, sorry about the unfunny post.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start

2007-11-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Have about 10 minutes to kill? Check out this Nintendo 8-bit system themed quiz!!

I scored 13 out of 25 (average score, according to the site, is 45%). I'm most proud of answering the question about Super Mario Bros. correct.

Because YOU'RE my number one

2007-11-13T11:26:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed that TV commercials are really bad lately? I have, and I've noticed that they seem to fit into four general categories:

1.) Elitist (aka "You can't afford this, so we'll make you feel bad about it")
Remember the Grey Poupon commercials? What made this commercial work was that it presented this gourmet dijon mustard as a product for elite tastes, but when you got to the supermarket, you learned that you, yes you middle-classer!, could afford it. Maybe one day YOU would be the one saying, "But of course" to mustard! Not to mention it's some damn good mustard.

But lately, I've noticed the opposite has occurred. First of all, I'm not sure why Mercedes and Cadillac and BMW are even advertising, much less during reruns of Seinfeld at 7:38 PM on a weekday. But clearly it's to rub their balls in our face. Except for a brief stretch of Tiki Barber driving over the Brooklyn Bridge in his Escalade, the drivers of these cars in these commercials ("When you turn your car on, does it return the favor") are all clearly upper-class white pricks. Also, they're smugly driving at a speed that betrays their lack of concern for anything else on "their" road. I happen to live in an area with a lot of Mercedes and Beamers driving around, and they are, by far, the second worst group of drivers around.

2.) You're a Bad Person Because...
a.) You pay for items with cash instead of a Visa card
b.) You don't drive a Hybrid
c.) You didn't get her jewelry from Jared's
d.) You got caught by "To Catch a Predator"

3.) Insult to Our Intelligence
The best, number one, example of this is the set of Apple IPhone commercials. First, we get the pilot (or flight attendent?) who claims he averted a long delay by checking weather patterns on his IPhone, while the air traffic controllers are apparently distracted by a blow job fest or something. My neighbor is a pilot, and I asked her about this. She laughed and totally called shenanigans on that. She confirmed what anyone with half a brain knows - if the weather's cleared up, uh, yeah the controllers got that. Second, we get the NY/Jersey guido wearing a t-shirt with sleeves short enough to show that his guns are unholstered, so, you know. Anyway, he starts talking about how the IPhone is saving him from having to carry around his usual accoutrement, which apparently includes a cell phone, a PDA, a douche for his man-gina, a purse, a second purse, man-makeup, keys to his Camaro (because you know that's what he's driving), a sock to stuff down his pants, and his giant ego. Thank God for this one device which takes care of all of those tasks AND allows him to retain his pretentiousness! Huzzah! This one's my favorite, though...

The other good example of this is the set of commercials in which we discover that Walmart is saving the world from high gas prices, keeping families together, and protecting this nation from terrorists. I'm not anti-Walmart at all, but, seriously, I've tried, and I just can't follow their logic on this one.

4.) Completely Unwatchable
a.) Verizon's "You're My Number One"
b.) Really, any phone commercial
c.) Taco Bell's "Cha!" Rules of Life/Pizza Hut's "How to eat a pizza, son"/KFC "I hope dad doesn't try to cook again, IDIOT!!" [All three owned by the same company]
d.) Domino's Oreo Beard Commercial....just kidding, that one's still awesome.

Virginia is now 1-15 in the State of Florida

2007-11-10T22:44:00.000-05:00

Damn. Way to...um...Groh.

UVA 48, Miami 0 AT the Orange Bowl.

Bring on Tech. Wahoo-wa.

Perhaps It Was An Ill-Advised Purchase

2007-11-08T10:39:00.000-05:00

So, today is Day 846 of The Great Real Estate Investing Experiment. I thought it would be fun to reflect on the two plus years of this, and what I've had to go through. In that time, I've endured:

-2 house purchases
-2 failed house sales
-1 major housing downturn
-Roughly $80,000 in combined housing value drops, due to said housing downturn
-20 different tenants
-4 of which were mentally unstable and/or substance abusers
-1 of which was a phantom pooper
-4 water leaks causing extensive damage
-Including two in the past week
-Two sets of carpet replacement
-Two sets of hardwood/laminate replacement (one of which was due to one of the aforementioned water leaks)
-Two grease fires...in the same house...in the same kitchen...by two different tenants...within a month of each other...both made somewhat worse by their attempts to stop the fire by throwing water at it...the worst possible thing you can do with a grease fire
-0 condo association meetings attended
-2 condo fee increases agreed upon by those who actually attended those meetings
-1 pest problem
-1 of which was caused by the filthy, disgusting tenants and their filth

All of which has resulted in:
-1 Disgruntled Investor

The C Stands for Crap

2007-11-06T09:28:00.001-05:00

So I'm watching the Patriots-Colts game on Sunday, and aside from the terrible "Because You're My Number 1" Verizon commercial and the commercial about the idiots who didn't know they were Swedish, the one that stuck out most to me was the preview for the new "Beowulf" movie.

The Beowulf movie, as you probably know, is done entirely in CGI animation. This has become the new trend in special effects. It's supposedly a step up from hand-drawn animation, and is supposed to be as realistic as possible without it being...well, realistic.

I think CGI has set back special effects at least 30 years. Movies that rely on it look like video games from the late 90's, with exaggerated facial expressions and mouth movement that doesn't quite sync up with what they're actually saying. Even the Hall of Presidents at Disney World did a better job at both of these things! Hell, even Chucky Cheese did a better job at that!

Anyway, to prove my point, I would like to present a few examples to show how we've gone from robotics and animatronics that looked real to this lazy weird shit CGI.

Example 1: Sharks

Alright, I'm starting off with kind of an unfair example, but I think it's funny.

Exhibit A is Jaws. You might have heard of this indy film about a shark that terrorizes a beach, directed by a little known director named Steven Spielberg (before he became Senor Spielbergo). Here's Jaws - a mixture of real shark footage and a robot shark - attacking Brody in a cage.

This was 1975, and was made for a very non-Speilbergian budget of $7 million (a lot, but not nearly like what they spend now). The shark looks real, and more importantly, Spielberg doesn't fluff it up with gratuitous shots of a menacing CGI shark. It's a mixture of robo-shark and quick cuts of Brody in the cage. It's pretty awesome.

Fast-forward to 1999. As Dave Chappelle said (as Samuel Jackson), "Deep Blue Sea? They ate me! A fucking shark ate me!" And so I present, Exhibit B:

Which shark looks more real? The one made 25 years prior. Still, that was a pretty fucking funny scene when Sammy L. gets eaten by the shark.

Advantage: Robot/Real Shark

Example 2: Turtles, Ninja

How awesome was 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Fucking awesome, that's how awesome. When I was a little kid and saw this movie for the first time in the theatres, I lost my shit. But, it was so friggin' great, I stayed in that theatre in my shitty pants and sat through to the end. I had previously seen "Howard the Duck" and my expectations for this movie, even at the tender age of 10, were pretty low. But, holy shit, they actually had four actors in turtle suits doing ninja moves and it looked like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the comics. I believed that I was seeing four turtle ninjas kicking ass. Then again, I was 10, but still. Here's the original trailer for the movie.

Holy shit look at Shredder! God that's a great movie.

So, this is somewhat controversial, since my friend Kyle says he loved this movie, but what I've heard from most people about 2007's "TMNT" is pretty mixed, and the major complaints are similar to mine. Here is an argument between Raphael and Leonardo about who's better...

...and then they fight. I'd have put it in here, but then you'd have to wait forever for it to load. Again, this one is difficult because they do look turtle-ish, and you can see the advantages of CGI in this, but at the same time, you get the over-eggagerated facial and body expressions. Also, is this film trying to be a cartoon or a Beowulf-like live action shot in CGI? Plus, if it is supposed to be a cartoon, then where is the improvement over the awesome 1990's cartoon series? Is the CGI really worth it here? The jury's still out on that I think.

Advantage: Somewhat of a wash, but since it's my blog, the 1990 movie wins.

Example 3: Aliens

In 1979, and later in 1986, the "Alien/Aliens" movies created quite possibly the best special effect in film history by producing the most real looking alien (based on all of the aliens I've seen personally, of course) ever. Honestly, I don't even need commentary on this, here it is (might be slow-loading, and it's kind of long, but nonetheless worth watching):

Absolutely ground-breaking for that time, and it continued to get better as they picked up UVA grad Stan Winston for the sequels. All robots, all real.

As opposed to...this...

Not real at all.

Advantage: UVA

And finally, Example 4: Dinosaurs

CGI...

vs. LIVE ACTION!!!

Advantage: Clearly, live action. That dinosaur boss on the TV show was one mean ol' guy.

In conclusion, the point I'm trying to make is that CGI tries too hard to seem real, but generally doesn't get it right. In small doses, it works, but puppets, robots, and elaborate costumes will always win out.

1990 represent!

This Blog Is Going To Rip Off At Least 56 Others

2007-11-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

So, UVA football beat Wake Forest 17-16, despite Al Groh's best efforts, bringing us to a respectable 8-2 and first place in our division/conference/division again. Miami, who is currently stuck in Bizarro World, is terrible, and we get them next. We should beat them, but then again, we should have beaten NC State and Wyoming (which, like Golden, isn't really a state). Then we get an utterly beatable VA Tech team in Charlottesville.

This has arguably been the worst season of UVA football in recent history. Let me explain.

My first two years at UVA as a student were the last two years of the George Welsh coaching era. If you like not going for it on 4th and a centimeter in enemy territory, and instead punting into the end zone, then you clearly enjoyed the George Welsh era. He was replaced by Al "My son beat Florida State!" Groh, a former NFL by-default head coach who owns a Super Bowl ring. Hopes were immediately high.

However, Coach Groh soon found an affinity for North Carolina, specifically the Continental Tire Bowl, where we found ourselves most years, happily beating West Virginia or Pittsburgh most of the time. Hooray!

But then last year we didn't make any bowls at all. That's what happened in the Welsh era! Heeeyyy!

So, then this year happened. Looking at our early season schedule, it quickly became apparent that it was formed with a 11-1 finish in mind. I mean, Wyoming?!?! Yeah, we got that.

Then, we visited Laramie, Wyoming.

So, the calls for "Groh Must Go" began. Also, from me.

UVA fans were faced with a not unique dilemma. Hope for the best (like, for example, 8-2), or hope they tank. Like the 2006 Celtics, we thought, this might be the way to get rid of Doc Rivers...I mean Al Groh.

Then, we're 8-2. At worst, we'll finish 8-4 and make a non-Boise based bowl. And, really, that's pretty likely. We should beat Miami. We should beat Tech. But, with the Cardiac Cavs, who knows?

Regardless, despite AD Craig Littlepage not exercising Groh's option year last year, it'd be a surprise if we don't get Al "Mike, who beat Fla. State, says go for it on 4th and a long 2 when a field goal would put them away" Groh back.

If we beat Miami, then Va. Tech, then Boston College in the championship game, then some SEC school in the BCS bowl, then, OK, Groh can stay another year.

But, is that really going to happen?

Shit, at least we shouldn't end up on a blue field again. Right?

Women's Rights!

2007-10-31T12:38:00.000-05:00

(Thx "Homeslice")

HAPPY WEDNESDAY (AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN)

Completely Expected

2007-10-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

NC State 29, UVA 24

The good thing about being a Virginia football fan is that these losses are not in the least bit shocking or surprising. It helps to numb the pain of losing to a (previously) 2-5 team that hadn't beaten an ACC opponent in 9 straight games. Way to Groh, Al. ACC Coach of the Year!!

Still, it could have been worse. We could have lost on a play like this...

Oh, right, I have a blog...

2007-10-25T13:43:00.000-05:00

So, I met with my new realtor yesterday, having secretly fired my old realtor (secretly because he doesn't know - or probably care - that he's been fired). The new one used to work with my dad and now does real estate full time. It's been lucrative for her, but, like anyone who's dabbled lately, she's pretty bitter about the state of things right now. Basically, exactly what I'm looking for in a realtor. Also, she came prepared with research and marketing materials for whenever I decide to try to sell one or both of my places again. Her commission is a little higher, but I've already learned that you get (or don't get) what you pay for (or don't pay for).

After exchanging pleasantries and catching up with my dad, she got right down to her market outlook, specifically for my two houses. In a word, the market is: shit. But, that's fine, it's what I expected to hear and a lot better than the smoke my old realtor was blowing up my ass about being able to sell my house for $50K above market. Her advice was basically to re-do my W-4 employment worksheet so I'm getting less taxes taken out of my paycheck. Also, she recommended refinancing one or both of my houses. Helpful, because Countrywide is suddenly all over that. In fact, I just got an email today specifically offering to refi my accounts at no cost to me.

Therefore, my new strategy is to do both of these things and, as she suggested, wait it out. This might mean waiting it out until 2009. I hate bleeding money (though the two above acts might halt or lessen that), I hate being a landlord (no help there), I hate the plague of plagues heaped upon my houses each month, and I hate that these two houses tie me to this place and this job until I can get rid of them. But, the alternatives (short sell, foreclosure, burn to the ground for insurance money...wait, you didn't read that last one) aren't much better.

So, the Disgruntledness continues! Huzzah!

In other news:

-Turns out $150,000-aires are the new millionaires!! Keep those incentives for bettering ourselves financially coming, boys!

-To be fair, this was the second part of his Make-A-Wish wish. (Seriously, though, how are pit bulls still legal? Does it ever end well when one owns them?)

-Naked sleepwalkers in hotels!! That reminds me of something, but I can't quite remember what...

-The Onion predicts the future!!

-And finally, a tip o' the hat to Tom Brady, who has single-handedly saved not one, but two of my fantasy football seasons. Thanks, Tom, I'd gladly watch you shower anytime you wanted.

GILF

2007-10-19T15:54:00.000-05:00

This lady rules. As an aside, my Comcast-provided internet is not working (I'm "borrowing" a neighbor's unsecured line), not that that colors my opinion of this...

From Yahoo!...

Woman fined for hammer fit at Comcast

BRISTOW, Va. - She was fined and got a suspended jail sentence, but Mona Shaw says she has no regrets about using a hammer to vent her frustration at a cable company.

"I stand by my actions even more so after getting all these telephone calls and hearing other people's complaints," she told The Associated Press in an interview Friday.

Shaw, 75, and her husband, Don, say they had an appointment in August for a Comcast technician to come to their Bristow home to install the company's heavily advertised Triple Play phone, Internet and cable service.

The Shaws say no one came all day, and the technician who showed up two days later left without finishing the setup. Two days after that, Comcast cut off all their service.

At the Comcast office in Manassas later that day, they waited for a manager for two hours before being told the manager had left for the day, the Shaws say.

Shaw, a churchgoing secretary of the local AARP branch, returned the next Monday — with a hammer.

"I smashed a keyboard, knocked over a monitor ... and I went to hit the telephone," Shaw said. "I figured, 'Hey, my telephone is screwed up, so is yours.'" [ed. note: Fuck that's a great quote!)

Comcast Corp., the nation's largest cable company, disputes Shaw's version of its customer service record and calls Shaw's hammer fit on Aug. 20 an "inappropriate situation."

"Nothing justifies this sort of dangerous behavior," Comcast spokeswoman Beth Bacha said.

Police arrested Shaw for disorderly conduct. She received a three-month suspended sentence, was fined $345 and and is barred from going near the Comcast offices for a year.

The Shaws did eventually get phone and television service — with Verizon and DirecTV.

She said many people have called her a hero. "But no, I'm just an old lady who got mad. I had a hissy fit," she said.

And the Lord Sayeth...

2007-10-17T08:09:00.000-05:00

The Hillary Clinton Health Care Plan

2007-10-16T08:26:00.000-05:00

From CNN.com

Brits resort to pulling own teeth

LONDON, England (CNN) -- Some English people have resorted to pulling out their own teeth because they cannot find -- or cannot afford -- a dentist, a major study has revealed.

Six percent of those questioned in a survey of 5,000 patients admitted they had resorted to self-treatment using pliers and glue, the UK's Press Association reported.

England has a two-tier dental care system with some dentists offering publicly subsidized treatment through the National Health Service and others performing more expensive private work.

But more than three-quarters of those polled said they had been forced to pay for private treatment because they had been unable to find an NHS dentist. Almost a fifth said they had refused dental treatment because of the cost.

One respondent in Lancashire, northern England, claimed to have extracted 14 of their own teeth with a pair of pliers. In Liverpool, one of those collecting data for the survey interviewed three people who had pulled out their own teeth in one morning.

"I took most of my teeth out in the shed with pliers. I have one to go," another respondent wrote.

Others said they had fixed broken crowns using glue to avoid costly dental work.

Valerie Halsworth, 64, told British television's GMTV she had removed seven of her own teeth using her husband's pliers when her toothache became unbearable and she was unable to find an NHS dentist willing to treat her.

Halsworth admitted that the first extraction had been "excruciatingly painful." But she added: "It got that painful that I just had to do something... When you have taken a tooth out... the pain has gone."

Sharon Grant, chair of the Commission for Patient and Public Involvement in Health, which commissioned the survey, said: "These findings indicate that the NHS dental system is letting many patients down very badly.

"Where NHS dental services are available, people are happy with the quality of treatment provided but many find the NHS fee system confusing and expensive, with some patients taking out loans to pay for treatment or more worryingly taking matters into their own hands."

On The Issue of Robot Attacks, Mr. Giuliani Frowned and Replied, "No, We Are Not Prepared For That."

2007-10-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

The Disgruntleds

2007-10-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

I'm having a pretty frustrating and long week, so this seemed as good a time as any to initiate a new semi-weekly/monthly feature: The Disgruntleds. This, simply, is a list of the things disgruntling me right now. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

1.) Crocs. They look ok on kids, but pretentious and stupid on adults. As I told the Disgruntled Girlfriend yesterday, I'm not gay, but some of those color combos have just (snap) got (snap) to (snap) go. Mmm-hmmm...

2.) People talking into their cell phones like they were walkie-talkies. You don't look cool, asshole. And your phone is not a walkie-talkie.

3.) Walkie-talkie cell phones.

4.) When co-workers (like my boss, who's office is next to mine) dial using their speaker phone, then when the other person says, audibly, "Hello?" the co-worker (or boss) picks up the phone and starts using it normally. What the fuck is the point of doing that?

5.) "Bro"/"Brah"

6.) The New York Times

7.) Fantasy football weeks ruined by "game-time decisions" (conversely, accurately predicting these decisions makes me less disgruntled)

8.) Robot marriages?

9.) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and his body odor

10.) Goddamn fucking real estate

Have a disgruntled day!!

P.S. Look who just turned 18!!

I'll Take A Hundred of Your Finest Diamonds, Please.

2007-09-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days since I've posted anything, but, really, there hasn't been anything interesting to post. And, the last thing I want to do is bore my two readers.

However, I logged on to CNN.com today, and this was the screenshot that immediately popped up. Note the diamond ad on the right.

I'm pretty sure that's two attractive females making out. Now that's marketing!

In other news, Tom Cruise is building an underground bunker for when "deposed galactic ruler" Xenu attacks the Earth.

Fed Lowers Key Rate 1/2 Point

2007-09-20T07:58:00.001-05:00

So I'm expecting buyers to start lining up to bid on my house(s) at approximately 6 AM this Saturday. That's the only logical outcome, right?

In other (related) news, as a further example of things that can only happen to me - one of my tenants at the first house caught a pan on fire (grease fire), and decided to take it outside. Not a terrible idea, but he laid the pan down on the RELATIVELY NEW HARDWOOD FLOOR in the foyer in order to open the front door. I hope to have a picture to put up of the "Ring of Fire" that's now on the floor. It's pan-size.

Gee!!!

Way To Keep An Open Mind, Barry (P.S. Your Music Sucks)

2007-09-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

P.P.S. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is an attractive female.

From TMZ.com:

Barry to Elisabeth: Your "View" is Dangerous

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that it's not Barry who's writing this song -- in fact, "View" producers pulled the plug on Manilow's performance when his people demanded that he appear on the show without Elisabeth. Manilow has in fact performed on the show twice before -- both last year -- when Hasselbeck's been co-hosting.

TMZ has learned that legendary singer Barry Manilow has pulled out of his scheduled appearance on "The View" tomorrow -- because he strongly disagrees with host Elisabeth Hasselbeck's conservative view! Paging Rosie O'Donnell!

In an exclusive statement to TMZ, Barry says, "I strongly disagree with her views. I think she's dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage with her."

Update

2007-09-14T08:20:00.001-05:00

In case any of you wanted an update on my real estate situation, here it is:

(sound of crickets chirping)

Ok, basically the markets gone up slightly in the neighborhood of the house I tried to sell earlier this year, and down slightly in the neighborhood of the house I tried to sell last year. This is actually alright, since I'd rather get rid of the house I tried to sell this year anyway.

Mortgage rates are dropping, and the hot rumor (or rumour) is that Bernanke is going to drop the federal funds rate this month, which would obviously lower the mortgage rates even more and, hopefully, inspire some kind of confidence in a rebound.

But, other than that, things still suck, and I'm still just waiting. Stupid real estate.

100

2007-09-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

In terms of overall hipness, I would rate myself somewhere between Danny Tanner and Mr. Bean. That is to say, not very.

No one who knows me personally would disagree with this contention, but I am trying to keep up with the kids these days. I'm trying to you tubes, listening to eye pods (actually no I'm not, more on this in a bit), and think that these Seinfeld guys might be on to something.

In all seriousness, though, occasionally I'll come across some show (ex. Lost), band (ex. Spoon), or idea (ex. real estate investing) that everyone else had already caught onto years before. Often, the thing has already run its course in the national psyche, and I'm too late (coughrealestateinvestingcough).

Typical conversation:

Me: Holy crap, I just came across this Michael Jackson album, Thriller - dude how did I not know about this? This guy's gonna be hot!!

Guy at Bus Stop: ......(walks across street)

[Quick side note: According to Wikipedia, in 1982 Michael Jackson recorded a storybook version of ET: The Extra-Terrestrial, which featured him reading the book and also performing a song called "Someone In The Dark." Yikes. This album went on to win a Grammy for, "Best Album for Children." Double Yikes.]

Anyway, I note this because I just came across this band, Feist, which is I guess the solo project of a Canadian chick named Leslie Feist, who's been in several indie bands. How I came across her is that Apple Ipod commercial for the new Nanos, where as her video for "1234" is playing, someone keeps replacing the Nanos with different color Nanos. Now, for some unexplainable reason, I have this disdain for all things Apple. I don't own a Mac, an IPhone (totally unnecessary, and fuck having to switch to Cingular), or an IPod (I have the Dell knockoff!!) Maybe I don't like their business practices, their pricing practices, Steve Jobs, or their normally slam my head in the wall annoying ads. Maybe it's because I kept starving or getting dysentery on Oregon Trail on the Macs in our computer lab in 4th grade. Whatever the reason, with the exception of their superiority in computer graphic design and movie-making, I see no reason to buy an Apple product. Anyway.

So, Feist. That "1234" song is definitely catchy, and Feist herself seemed pretty girl-next-door sexy, so I decided to check them out. Gotta say, I'm a big fan. I'm aware that 99.99% of the rest of the world probably knows who they are, but (see above), I'm just now catching on.

Here's the "1234" video (sans Nano), which is pretty awesome. Not funny, just awesome. And catchy.

Also, check out their Letterman performance here, and their Jimmy Kimmel performance here (on a bus!!) Turns out they're good live too!

That's Not Stuff, Meredith...

2007-09-12T07:25:00.001-05:00

So it's Wednesday, and with my 99th Disgruntled Post, I am putting up a video of this commercial, which for some reason (can't explain why) is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. In it, a Kelsey Grammer look-alike explains to a Matthew McConaughey look-alike that, given time, his Oreo Pizza moustache will grow to be as full as his. Is this the best commercial I've ever seen? I think so...I know so.

Please Hammer, Don't Disgruntle Them...

2007-09-09T21:29:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, at approximately 9:02 PM, I gave M.C. Hammer a pat on the back.

I had been checking out the Washington Post online, scrolling past their "news" ("Sen. Larry Craig blows a hyena in the high desert of Idaho") to get to the Sports section (which is very good). As I clicked on the Sports section, I caught a quick glimpse of a picture on the left hand side of M.C. Hammer, under the "City Guide - Going Out Guide" section. Confused, intrigued, and convinced I read it wrong, I clicked back on my browser, and clicked on the City Guide.

"M.C. Hammer, still Too Legit To Quit, in a FREE show at the Woodrow Wilson Center"

Holy shit! M.C. Hammer?!?! FREE?!?!?!

(Now understand - it was the combination of those two things that made me excited. While I had once paid $35 to see Vanilla Ice at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, I'm not sure I'd shell that out for the Rev. Hammer.)

I called the Disgruntled Girlfriend, who exclaimed, "That's awesome!" Apparently, I didn't need to ask her thoughts on going. She also mused, "I wonder what kind of people are going to show up to this thing. Probably 1/3 hardcore fans, 1/3 people like us going for the nostalgia/kitch factor, and 1/3 religious fanatics hoping he plays nothing but gospel." That was a good point - we couldn't figure out if M.C Hammer or Rev. Hammer was going to show up.

So we arrived at the show, which was held outdoors, about an hour early. Our thought was, I mean, it's M.C. FUCKING HAMMER, so it'll get real packed real quick.

Then we saw that we were one of about 10 people there. So we went across the street and grabbed a couple of beers.

By the time we got back, it had picked up a bit, but was still sparser than I thought. I began to think, "Damn, this is really embarassing for the man who married Corey Feldman to his current wife." But the square soon filled up nicely with people, and my worries proved unfounded.

After a strange African-American Spice Girls opening act, and after an unfortunately long delay (during which time some shitty DJ from WPGC named "Shaq in the Pack" apparently thought we were all there to see him), the man, the legend, the Hammer came out on stage. He was looking gangsta-hard (think "The Funky Headhunters").

He kicked out all the classics (it was M.C., not Rev. Hammer, in action): Too Legit, Pumps and a Bump (the second song he did!!), Can't Touch This, Pray, Oaktown, and some old school Hammer tracks from his first album like Turn This Mutha Out. He did the Hammer dance, and he and his backup dancers showed they still had the same early 90's moves that made him famous. At one point (before "Pray"), he devised a solution to the Middle East crisis ("You've got to pray, just to end all the socioeconomic concerns and fanatical Islamic rhetoric that is fueling a general hatred of the West and leading to suicide bombings, homicide bombings, and a general instability in the region...today.") He did not wear "Hammer pants," but they were relatively baggy and gave much the same effect. And we were like 10 feet away from him. Awesome.

Finally, he ended his show by coming out into the audience. It was at this point that two things happened:

1.) I forgot to turn my flash back on my camera, leading to several blurry pictures of Hammer 2 inches in front of me;

2.) I patted Hammer on his sweaty back.

It's not often that something comes along that is so monumentally can't miss that you...well...can't miss it. The free M.C. Hammer show last Thursday was just such an event. Surreal, high-energy, and too legit to quit. Here comes the Hammer.

(By the way, if these pictures come out dark on your computer, just adjust the brightness - it looks great on my home computer, not great on my work computer. Trust me, it's worth it to see Gangsta Hammer in action.)

Sigh...

2007-09-02T09:04:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, way to Groh, Al. How much longer do we have to suffer through this coaching staff? Despite having had the privilege of NFL talent like Matt Schaub, Thomas Jones, Patrick Kearney, and Heath Miller, the best we've done is the goddamn Continental Tire Bowl.

But this is too much.

23-3 to fucking Wyoming??

"I just felt dead," Virginia QB Jameel Sewell said, describing how he felt during the game.

That's great, but it more accurately describes Virginia fans since George ("I must punt on 4th and inches in enemy territory") Welsh departed. But we're a basketball school now, right? Right?

But still, it could have been worse, I suppose.

Asian People Can Shoot Fire Out Of Their Hands, And Fly Also

2007-08-31T06:31:00.000-05:00

You know how when you look back at old science fiction books and movies, a lot of the things they predicted came true (like, for example, apes taking over the planet)? Well, now every kung fu movie ever made has just been realized.

I present to you, the greatest news story I have ever read.

China kung fu monks seek apology for ninja affront

(From Yahoo!)
BEIJING (Reuters) - China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday.

Shaolin Temple, in the northern province of Henan, became famous in the West as the training ground for Kwai Chang "Grasshopper" Caine in the 1970s "Kung Fu" TV series.

Ninjas -- professional assassins trained in martial arts -- date back to mediaeval Japan.

"The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.

Relations between Chinese and Japanese are sensitive at the best of times, with emotions still running high over Japan's invasion and occupation of parts of China in the first half of the 20th Century.

The Internet user, calling themselves "Five Minutes Every Day", said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to Shaolin, asked for a fight and many monks failed to beat him, the newspaper said.

"The facts that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain," the Internet user was quoted as saying in the post.

The Shaolin temple "strongly condemned the horrible deeds" of the user, the newspaper said.

"It is not only extremely irresponsible behaviour with respect to the Shaolin temple and its monks, but also to the whole martial art and Chinese nation," it quoted the monks as saying.

Note To Travel Writing Execs - Hire Me As A Travel Writer

2007-08-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

Portland, Oregon is a city of contrasts.

Just kidding, I would never actually write something that trite. I think it's pretty lazy when a travel writer uses that phrase to describe a city. To be honest with you, I don't even know what "city of contrasts" means - probably nothing. Anyway, this is how I'm actually starting this blog entry...

After wandering around Portland proper for a couple of hours, I began to notice something slightly unusual. Or rather, not notice something. I had not seen a single police car or cop anywhere. (I was informed later by my friend Matt that Portland cops seem to follow him everywhere - possibly due to his Bush '04 bumper sticker.) I also noticed that every street corner boasted its own "shanty-town" of part of the city's disproportionately large homeless population. I noted to myself that these two things are probably not mutually exclusive.

However, these aren't your DC-variety "stabbing hobos," but rather something more akin to the 60's Haight-Ashbury transient population. People who, I was told on occasion while in the city, "wanted to be homeless." While I can't attest to that, they did seem more pleasant than what I've encountered here, and Portland is definitely the kind of weird (and relatively inexpensive) city where a housing-challenged individual could live pretty decently. There were a lot of people my age among that group, interestingly enough. Perhaps fellow real estate investors?

Anyway, after joining me for a snack at Voodoo Doughnut near Chinatown, where I had the "Blood-Filled Voodoo Doll" (see menu here - they were out of the Bacon-Maple Donut, otherwise I would have gotten it), the Disgruntled Girlfriend left me to my own devices in the city while she and her fellow bridesmaids received a manicure and pedicure in preparation for the next day's wedding. Having already fulfilled part of Anthony Bourdain's travel guide for the city with the donut excursion (incidently, here's a picture of the DG and I's awesome donuts - she had one with rice krispies and peanuts on top, I think)...

...I quickly made my way up the street to Old Town Pizza, the haunted local pizzeria where unsuspecting patrons used to get "Shanghaied" through a trap door and enslaved aboard merchant ships back in the 1800's. Yarrrrrr!!!! Avast ye mateys!!! I had a prosciutto pizza which was great (and advertised as being for 1-2 people - usually I am at least 2 people but even I could not finish the oversized personal pizza!), and two pints of one of the local microbrews - Widmer Hefeweizen. Sufficiently buzzed on beer (at least temporarily), I made my way to the Portland Classical Chinese Garden, to get sufficiently buzzed on caffeinated oolong tea. I'm a pretty big tea snob, and this stuff was fantastic - it was called Royal Phoenix, I think. Truly a tea of contrasts.

But Portland's not all hobos, pirates, and Chinese people - there's a lot of alcohol to be drank (drunk? drunken? dranken?) as well, and, we were just the drinkers to drink (drank?) it. The wedding reception itself was held at McMenniman's. McMenniman's has about 50 hotel/pubs in the area, all consisting of old buildings (schools, hotels, theaters, funeral parlors, etc.) that they converted into brewpubs or hotel/pubs. This particular one used to be the Kennedy School, and the reception was held in the gymnasium (we were staying in Mrs. Drew's Room - she was evidently a math teacher in that room). The hallways are lined with pictures of kids that went to this school in the early 1900's, and has kind of an eerie, ghostly feel to it, leading to the following exchange:

Disgruntled Investor: I bet this place is crazy haunted.

Disgruntled Girlfriend: It was a school, it's not like people died here!

Disgruntled Investor: You don't know that!

Having won that argument, we settled down to our complimentary booze - McMenniman's Ruby Red Ale, Hammerhead I.P.A., and their Edgefield Wines. At some point in the night (according to photographic evidence), I apparently had some of their distilled bourbon as well. Now, if I hate anything, it's to dance, but evidently I decided to do the Hammer dance ("Can't Touch This"), and probably kicked ass at it. Here's me breaking it down - note the spilled alcohol on my pants...

The previous day, we had gone to the rehearsal dinner at a Portland sports pub called On Deck Sports Bar and Grill. They had great food and tasty beer and all, but what set this place apart was its unlimited free use of their Nintendo Wii. Once drunken DI found this, he and the matron-of-honor played Wii Bowling the rest of the night. It was sweet, even though I lost every game. The DI is left-handed, and that's the excuse he will use for that (and golf). Dammit.

After On Deck, the DG and I (and the matron-of-honor and her husband) decided to pull another Bourdain and go out for some late night sushi and sake, at the Saucebox - a trendy Pan-Asian restaurant/bar. The DG and I split a giant bottle of awesome unfiltered sake, and several plates of various sushi platters. Besides a buzzed, wildly gesticulating DG accidently knocking the top half of her glass off the stem (leaving the stem unmoved - pretty amazing magic trick), luck pretty much fell on our side, as two misdirected plates of sushi ended up at our table, which we ate without having to pay for. Also, no sales tax in Oregon meant our total bill was about a quarter of what it would have been back here in D.C.

Our final day there, the DG and her parents and I went out to Multnomah Falls, the second largest continually open falls in the United States, and followed that by watching the kite surfers out on the Columbia River. These guys were clearly having a good time out there, and the DG strongly intimated that this was an activity for her. Here's a picture of one of these guys in action...

We finished up our trip with a visit to Jake's Famous Crawfish , a 110 year old McCormick and Schmidt-owned restaurant specializing in local seafood. Though a bit pricey (think McCormick and Schmidt...), it's completely worth it, as this was the best seafood I've ever had in my entire life. The top of the menu lists the local fresh catches of the day, so you can literally order something (ed. note: apologies to the Blogadier General and the Disgruntled Vegetarian here) that was happily swimming along earlier that day. Believe me when I say that that makes a huge difference in taste, as you don't get that thawed-out taste you might elsewhere. I had the Ling Cod (cilantro-lime seared) and Netarts Bay (Oregon) oysters on the half-shell, with a local Pinot Noir - all Oregon-based. The Ling Cod was a recommendation from the DG's dad, and was incredibly succulent. The oysters were so good I almost ordered them again for dessert. God those were fucking awesome oysters.

You know what, I rescind the apologies to the Blog. Gen. and the DV. They're missing out by not eating things like this. Sorry guys. The fish and oysters' personalities surely made the difference in their orgasmic taste. You can't "Boca" that.

Anyway, to sum up, like Seattle before it, I didn't want to like Portland. I've lived on the East Coast my whole life, and am strongly partial to it. It's an incredibly liberal place with a lot of tree-huggers. But dammit, Portland is pretty awesome. I could definitely live out there (maybe will someday). Shit, could the DG be right about the West Coast being the "best coast"?

Nah, but I'd still move to Portland. I could be a hobo, or pirate. Or Chinese person.

-Disgruntled A

Barbaric!!

2007-08-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

Here it is, your moment of Disgruntled...

The Disgruntled Investor is off to Portland (Oregon) for the 47895235th wedding this year. I go for the free booze, and I stay for the...free booze. I'll be back next Wednesday, see you bitches then.

In the meantime, why not pick up a hobby, or a sport?

Nerd Alert!

2007-08-21T08:42:00.001-05:00

Article stolen (perhaps temporarily)...

Sincerely, management

Man

2007-08-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

There are definitely some days when the anxiety attacks hit full force.

I had a nightmare last night that my second house had fallen into a major state of disrepair and was quite dissheveled due to the laziness of my tenants. I was over there for some reason, and I walked up the stairs, only to find that one of the guys who recently moved out was back and playing an arcade-sized Pac-Man installed on the stairwell. This, I was promised, would raise my already high electric bills through the roof. Great. He then noted that the ripped up carpet upstairs wasn't his fault, but rather was due to a wrestling match the guy in the loft (incidently, the cleanest of the tenants in real life) and the girl in the second bedroom (in reality, there is no girl in the second bedroom, that I know of) had recently been involved in. I went upstairs, shaking my head, where I was greeted with the guy in the loft telling me - "She pinned me, it was her fault, I'm not paying." The girl responded, "I don't even live here!" Needless to say, I would be footing the bill(s).

I woke up, chest heaving, with the sudden urge to start yelling, "ANXIETY ATTACK ANXIETY ATTACK!!" But, that would have been pretty ridiculous.

Yesterday, the Washington Post had an article that, except for the live-in vs. investing difference, describes my real estate experiences almost perfectly. Here is the link to it, it's a good piece, one that I think speaks to the pessimism I'm trying to force out of my mind.

Bernanke is getting praised by the market for the Fed's sudden decision to lower the discount rate, but blasted by economics academics - the group Bernanke came out of - for giving in to the market. I'm not sure which one is right, but they need to lower the Federal Funds rate, which would hopefully push mortgage rates down and send buyers swarming towards my houses.

Fucking real estate, fucking bad karma.

I feel like a beer in a bear festival.

Beer Eats Man

2007-08-20T07:02:00.000-05:00

I'm working a 10-hour day today (and for the rest of the week), so when I first saw this story on CNN, I thought the headline was "Beers Eat Man At Beer Festival." I was thinking it must have been some kind of nasty beer. Like Natural Light. Or Beast.

But, it's not "beer" it's "bear". At a beer festival. A bear at a beer festival.

Bears eat man at beer festival

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

Paying Mortgages

2007-08-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

From The Onion...try to guess which strategy I'm currently employing!

A Prayer For The Disgruntled

2007-08-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

Loyal reader Mike B just emailed me this, from The Baltimore Sun, which I thought was pretty great...

The real estate investor's prayer

You're getting up in years now. You remember your paper wealth in the 1970s, when real estate investment trusts went to the moon and everybody thought the boom would last forever. It didn't. You remember the 1980s, when commercial real estate went absolutely bonkers and again you were rich, at least according to your partnership documents. You remember the housing boom of the 2000s, when home prices doubled and your rental properties churned out cash like a slot machine. Now that quicksilver, too, is slipping your grasp.

Finally you remember, too late, the real estate prayer, which a reader of The Sun sent my colleague, Laura Smitherman. He says he found it in an file from 1991, which was about the darkest hour of the last real estate crash:

DEAR GOD...Please Let There Be Just One More Real Estate Boom, And I Promise Not To &+#@ It All Away This Time!

P.S. While I love The Onion, I hate the A.V. Club and their pseudo-intellectualism that just comes across as know-it-all snarkiness. I realize a lot of people will disagree with me on that. Anyway, here's a great A.V. Club interview with D.L. Hughley, where he completely rules the interviewer at the end, after being subjected to a haranguing about "nappy-headed hos."

P.P.S. See, I go and make a gross generalization about something, and then they respond by posting this hilarious and completely non-pretentious interview with Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse from "Superbad." Damn you A.V. Club!!! I can't wait for that movie to come out.

The Blogadier General's Lake House

2007-08-14T10:11:00.000-05:00

Well, as most of my readers know (since many of them were there), I spent this past weekend at the Blogadier General's lakehouse down in Radford, Virginia with the Disgruntled Girlfriend and the Disgruntled Dog. The house sits on Claytor Lake, which is a really big lake. Apparently, a few days before, someone drowned in this lake. Disturbingly, at the time we were swimming in the lake, the body had not been found.

Anyway, it was a really fun time, and thanks again to the Blog. Gen. for the invite!

So, ever since I started this blog, there has been someone clamoring to guest-blog it for a column. She has been hounding me to do this, and, since she was down at the lake with me this weekend, we decided she could write her own ridiculous review of the lake house weekend. So, without further ado...

My Trip To The Lake

By: The Disgruntled Dog

Yes, thank you Disgruntled Investor, for the introduction. This was, indeed, my first foray into the wonders of an actual vacation. You see, I spend most of my time with the Disgruntled Investor and Disgruntled Girlfriend (henceforth, the "boy" and "girl") lounging around on the sofa at home, or, if the occasion arises, catching and neutralizing the threat caused by dust. I find dust to be positively scrumptious!

So, it was a welcome surprise when the boy and girl decided to invite me along on this trip. As they found out, I do not get carsick, nor do I...nor...do...

RUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, excuse me for that, the little ginger kid in the neighborhood was nearing my 200 feet no-enter zone, which is far too close. I must protect this house.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, I was able to ride down to this lake house (my first lake sighting as well!) on the boy's lap. He seemed to be in no discomfort from my doing this, so I took advantage of the opportunity to shift my weight around as much as possible. Again, he didn't seem to mind. (Ed. note: My legs still hurt!)

The lake house was a welcome surprise for me - there were a large number of bugs and dust to eat, and some of the best scotch I've ever had. I love scotch. Scotch, scotch, scotch (as you see, I am quite the Will Ferrell fan).

Michelob Light, I also found out, is a vastly underrated beer.

Two disappointments with the weekend:

1.) It was quite hot, and despite my repeated requests, no one threw me into the lake. I was quite hoping for that.

2.) At one point, the boys and girls went out on a floating device onto the lake, and went away. I did not like this.

But, no matter, I cleverly hid some poops throughout the house.

The people at the lake house were all friendly and entertaining, though perhaps none so much as the one they called, "Ete." (I'm fairly certain that is a pseudonym.) First of all, given the caliber of his girlfriend (she did not seem Disgruntled at all...), I can only assume that he has had a long and illustrious history of fulfilling and lasting relationships with quality girls, and this one was merely following that long line. Of this, I'm absolutely positive. Anyway, the last night there, he provided all with a rousing dance number I like to call, "He's Drunk As Shit." It was quite superb, let me say!

I decided whilst there to stay awake for as long as possible, to avoid the unfortunate occurence of missing anything happening around me. Additionally, danger was all around us, and in some cases, in the houses with us. I'm sure I heard some furious wrestling going on in a room or two. I, therefore, kept a constant vigil.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I hope, in the future, I can accompany the boy and girl on future trips to this lake house, and to other locations throughout the globe as well. They will be going to Portland, Oregon in the near future, from what I can gather, and I assume they will be taking me along. (Ed. note: Umm...) Finally, I'd like to thank the generous soul who dropped the Buffalo Wing pretzel for me to eat. Those were fucking fantastic!

I thank you, boy, for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Now, back to the window seat, for I think I see another dog across the street, and if he crosses it, I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

If I Was Eddie Vedder, Would You Like Me Any Better?

2007-08-13T10:41:00.001-05:00

So Pearl Jam is pissed off because they feel that AT&T censored them during the rebroadcast of their recent Lollapalooza set. During a version of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall," Vedder replaced a couple lyrics with:

"George Bush, leave this world alone"

and

"George Bush, find another home."

Now, Pearl Jam has ceased to be relevant musically since their last good album, "Yield." Eddie Vedder's voice sounds like my great-grandmother's did after 80 years of smoking - XM Radio's "Ethel" station occasionally plays Pearl Jam's cover of The Who's "Love Reign O'er Me," and the deterioration of his voice is absolutely striking in it. And, I say this as someone who thinks "Vs." and "Vitalogy" are two of the best albums of all time. They just sound like they're phoning it in now.

But more importantly, Eddie Vedder's attempts at fighting big business in the past have failed miserably (hence why you can buy Pearl Jam tickets on Ticketmaster for the same outrageous prices he used to fight). And his political proselytizing on stage has not fared much better (at an April 2003 concert, while singing "Bushwacked," Vedder impaled a mask of George W. Bush on-stage, leading to a mass walkout by concergoers).

Anyway, I bring this all up to make a couple of points. First off, with the exception of truly political rock groups like Rage Against The Machine, rock and roll bands should stick to playing escapist rock and roll and leave politics to politicians and protestors. As a "Damn Dirty Republican" (as the Disgruntled Potential Father-in-Law calls me), at this point it's a huge risk for me to go to any rock concert and hope that it doesn't devolve into a leftist political rally. I was a bit nervous about the Virgin Festival because of this, but The Beastie Boys eschewed political rants and stuck to "Brass Monkey" and "Sure Shot." The result was an awesome show that EVERYONE in the audience (including soulless right-wingers like myself) enjoyed immensely.

Conversely, if I go to see Neil Young or Manu Chao, I expect to hear some anti-Bush or anti-war (because, of course, us Repubs are "pro-war", but that's another rant altogether) propaganda, but, as I noted above, these are inherently political groups (or at least Young was back in the 60's). It doesn't mean I'm happy with it, but at least it doesn't catch me by surprise or seem out of place. By the way, Manu Chao kicks ass.

I don't understand why Pearl Jam or other inherently NON-political bands feel the need to pander to the admittedly majority liberal audience members (in most places anyway) at the risk of completely alienating the more moderate or conservative concert-goers. If I go to see Pearl Jam, I want them to shut the fuck up and play "Corduroy" or "Alive"; I could care less about their political views. If I want to go to a political rally, I'll go to one. If these groups suddenly started ranting pro-Republican, people would be pissed off too, and for good reason. It's bullshit to get bombarded with that when you just want to hear a straight-up concert. I don't get my political views from musicians, and frankly I have little to no respect for anyone who does. If someone votes for Dennis Kucinich because Marilyn Manson told them to, that person's voting rights should be immediately revoked.

Secondly, and along these same lines, it continues to amaze and sadden me that there are more anti-Bush songs than anti-Al Qaeda songs. In fact, I'd challenge someone to come up with a single one, and I'll spot you country songs. Has the entire musical establishment collectively forgotten whose sole goal is our conversion to Islam or, failing that, our eradication?? Apparently, they have. The funny thing is, I'm guessing Osama wouldn't book Green Day for their next company picnic - unless everyone wore suicide vests, that is. No one is ranting about bombing northern Pakistan at their shows. Well, almost no one.

Anyway, sorry about the rant, and I'm sure I've just lost 3/4 of my readership (and by 3/4, I mean 3 out of the 4 readers I have), but it's just bullshit, is all. Like I said above, the complete opposite of this (liberals being tricked into attending a conservative rally) is bullshit as well. I hate that good bands that I like a lot have turned on me.

So, with that out of the way, tune in tomorrow for a blog about my weekend stay at the Blogadier General's lakehouse, by a surprise guest columnist!

P.S. I like Coldplay, but hate karaoke, so this is pretty much a wash for me. Funny stuff.

Look, Up In The Sky, It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's...a Lifetime of Beatings

2007-08-10T08:10:00.000-05:00

NZ couple to name child Superman

By Phil Mercer
BBC News

A couple in New Zealand is planning to call their newborn son Superman after officials rejected their original choice of 4Real.

Pat and Sheena Wheaton have been frustrated by rules in New Zealand banning names that begin with a number.

Mum and Dad decided to call their son 4Real after seeing an ultrasound image of him. It was then they realised that their baby was "for real".

They are considering legal action to force officials to reverse the ruling.

Name game

The name might sound more like a comedian's catchphrase or a fruit juice, but the Wheatons were deadly serious.

Sadly for them, the authorities in New Zealand did not share their enthusiasm for the unusual - their choice was rejected by the country's registrar of births, deaths and marriages.

The rules state that first names starting with a number are not allowed.

The law also advises parents to avoid names that could cause their child to be teased or made fun of.

Undeterred, the Wheatons now plan to call their newborn son Superman, but have said they will refer to him as 4Real.

The baby's family argues that if people can be known as John Williams III, for example, then why can a number not be used at the beginning of a name?

Officials in New Zealand have been involved in similar disputes before.

In the past they have had to intervene to stop parents naming their offspring Satan and Adolf Hitler.

Virgin Blogging

2007-08-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

The best part about telling people you're going to the "Virgin Festival" is that there are a lot of people who have no idea that the "Virgin Festival" is, in fact, a concert, and not just the greatest sounding idea ever.

Anyway, here's my review of this year's Virgin Festival, held at Pimlico Raceway up near Baltimore, Maryland this past weekend. We went to the Saturday show, skipping Sunday's show for three reasons:

1.) I had seen most of those bands already;
2.) Tickets were almost $100...A DAY
3.) We guessed (correctly) that Saturday would wear us out, being 134 years old and all.

The Disgruntled Girlfriend and I had gone to last year's Virgin Fest, and besides seeing some great shows (The Who and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah especially) and some alright shows (Red Hot Chili Peppers - Flea was more interested in some chick crying in the crowd than playing awesome music), we also were able to wander around the premises a bit, checking out the freak show, the side stages, and some of the booths handing out free condoms and whatnot.

This year, however, we did not wander around at all. The reason?

It was 105 degrees out.

Last year's show was smartly scheduled for mid-September, and sported a reasonable temperature of about mid-80. This year, for some reason, they decided mid-August sounded good. People were dropping like flies, and, probably for that reason, there weren't a whole lot of drunk concert-goers there. It was just too damn hot to drink. And when it's too hot to drink (ex. if you didn't chug your beer all at once, after a couple minutes it started boiling), you know it's too hot. So, we planted ourselves at the main stage and stayed there the whole time. This meant we missed Peter Bjorn and John, and LCD Soundsystem, who I wanted to see, and a Luche Libre wrestling match, but no matter. Who we did see more than made up for it.

Amy Winehouse was there, at least physically, and phoned in a set while we waited in the water refilling station line (for about 45 minutes). She then left, found her "shooting-up vein", pulled a Belushi on a bottle of Jack, and boarded a plane for Chicago, where she likely phoned in a set at Lollapalooza. Whee.

After AW, Incubus came on stage. I like this band a lot, and they didn't disappoint, going through all of their best songs with all of the energy missing from Amy's set. However, being somewhat heterosexual, I failed to anticipate the panty-wetting reaction lead singer Brandon Boyd has on women. I was slipping around in female orgasm juice the entire set! (If that line doesn't get me on Blogger's "Blogs of Note," I don't know what will...)

After Ben Harper sang about pot for an hour and a half (I'm not complaining, it was awesome, but I don't want this posting to be too long), the Beastie Boys came on stage. I was supposed to see these guys, along with Stone Temple Pilots, Rage Against the Machine, and Jurassic 5, about 10 years ago, but Mike D broke his leg on a BMX bike or something and they had to cancel the whole show. I was pissed about it, and thought, "Well, why doesn't he just sit down during the show, goddammit!" Turns out, it's because Mike D jumps all around the stage during their shows, and they didn't want to cramp his style. As an example, here's a picture of Mike D and MCA in action I took from the crowd.

Anyway, they were much much better than the live feed we listened to on XM from the Live Earth shows, and was worth the 10 year wait. I think the picture above, by the way, is from when they were doing "Brass Monkey." Awesome.

Finally, The Police (or The Po-lice) came on, and rocked the shit out. Awesome awesome.

All in all, great show, shitty time of the year to do it. Well organized like last year, but not enough water-refilling stations and misting stations. Still we were able to tailgate beforehand, and in the extreme heat, three Miller Lights got me more fucked up than I have ever been, so that worked. One final complaint was with the scheduling of bands - the multiple stages meant some tough decisions had to be made. For example, they had two bands closing the show on Saturday - The Police on the main stage and Modest Mouse on the second stage. I love Modest Mouse, and was really looking forward to seeing them, but had to go with The Police, because, I mean, it's The Police. I think I made the right choice, but it sucked not seeing Modest Mouse. Oh well. Anyway, all in all it was worth $100 and I'll definitely be there next year as well.

Oh yeah, as promised, a bootleg picture taken of the Disgruntled Investor. Man, he's really let himself go...

Jim Cramer Loses His Shit

2007-08-07T12:05:00.001-05:00

He does have a good point, though...

Turns Out I Am "Carbon-Neutral"

2007-08-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

Global Warming is funny...

From the (UK) Times Online

Walking to the shops ‘damages planet more than going by car’

By: Dominic Kennedy

Walking does more than driving to cause global warming, a leading environmentalist has calculated.

Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes. Provided, of course, they remembered to switch off the TV rather than leaving it on standby.

The sums were done by Chris Goodall, campaigning author of How to Live a Low-Carbon Life, based on the greenhouse gases created by intensive beef production. “Driving a typical UK car for 3 miles [4.8km] adds about 0.9 kg [2lb] of CO2 to the atmosphere,” he said, a calculation based on the Government’s official fuel emission figures. “If you walked instead, it would use about 180 calories. You’d need about 100g of beef to replace those calories, resulting in 3.6kg of emissions, or four times as much as driving.

“The troubling fact is that taking a lot of exercise and then eating a bit more food is not good for the global atmosphere. Eating less and driving to save energy would be better.”

...More at the link above, or, for those too lazy (aka, "low carbon emitters") to scroll up, here it is again. If this holds true, I may be the most environmentally friendly guy on the planet.

P.S. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when I'll post my blog about the Virgin Festival. Word on the street is it may or may not include a picture of the elusive Disgruntled Investor. Because if I can't steal the Blogadier General's ideas, what can I steal?

Labels for this post: Cop, Pot Brownies, Red Wings

2007-08-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

Tip o' the hat to The Blogadier General...

Thanks Beach!

2007-08-03T13:20:00.001-05:00

This past weekend, as I relaxed on the lightly-trafficked beach of Oak Island, NC, I came to a realization. There was no reason to stress out about either my tenant, real estate, or financial situation. Things will inevitably work themselves out, and eventually, I'll look back on this all and laugh. Haw! Haw!

July was a really tough month, probably the hardest in terms of both landlord issues and financial concerns. The aforementioned leak at my second place redeveloped, though thankfully not creating the kind of damage from before, requiring a couple of failed attempts at fixing the leak myself, followed by me giving up and paying a plumber $150 to put in a new gasket and caulk the hell out of the shower. Also, I had two tenants in my first place who, for various reasons, paid their rent really late, causing me to have to shift some resources around to make sure my mortgage payments on the places weren't equally late. All in all, it made for a tight month, and I came really close to calling the whole NC trip off, just to be around here in case something else went wrong.

But, what I realized there on the beach was, fuck it, I handled it, just like I've been handling all of this for the past two years. As this blog has chronicled, I've had a lot of crazy shit happen that would have made most people climb a clock tower and start shooting. But, somehow, I've made it through. Who's to say I can't pull this off for another year, if needs be, heaven forbid. I've got a mammoth tax return coming my way in late January, the market's GOTTA turn around sometime, and my 5-year ARM isn't due to reset until 2010. One way or the other, those houses will be sold by the end of next summer, and then, as I said before, I'll look back on all of this and laugh. I've got major debt, six weiner tenants, and two great houses that are impossible to sell (at present), but I mean I've got a good job, I'm dating way out of my league, my dog rarely shits in the house, and I've gotten to travel around to some amazing places.

So, dammit, I can't complain.

P.S. The picture above is in no way an endorsement of Senatorial Candidate Al Franken.

Good Grief

2007-07-24T19:30:00.001-05:00

I just read this article in Yahoo! (via Drudge) about how Countrywide (my mortgage loaner) just posted a huge loss this quarter, due to so many borrowers with GOOD CREDIT (aka Prime loans, as opposed to Subprime loans) defaulting or paying late on their loans. The article notes that rather than the sudden interest rate reset rise causing the problems, it's the fact that no one can sell their houses for anything close to what they paid. So now, it's not just the subprime shady loans going bad, IT'S EVERYONE!!

Notable quotes from the article:

-"I do think it's important to observe what happens going forward," Countrywide Chief Executive Angelo R. Mozilo said. "We are experiencing home price depreciation almost like never before, with the exception of the Great Depression." (emphasis mine)

-"The company has set aside $292.9 million in preparation for borrowers missing payments on loans, with some $181 million of that amount for prime home equity loan losses. The reserve is more than four times the size of the reserve established in the second quarter of last year." Good to see they've provided me with a cushion!!

-"Mozilo said the number of unsold homes must fall before the market can begin to recover. He doesn't expect the market will turn around until 2009 at the earliest."

-"Barring a decline in mortgage interest rates, the company said it expects its loan production volume to decline."

The last one is the important one. While Bernanke is off fightin' inflation, the economy is starting to go to shit due to the housing collapse. Fightin' inflation is an admirable battle, but not at the expense of EVERY HOMEOWNER IN AMERICA. The bad thing is, for every asshole investor like me who just has to keep renting out to alcoholic lunatics, there are 5,000,000 poor, struggling families who are going to have to foreclose on their house.

And, speaking of inflation, I don't see Burnin' Bernanke doing anything about my $4.00/gallon gas!

He's such a dream-stealer.

I'm Such A Dream-Stealer

2007-07-23T15:50:00.002-05:00

Story is being borrowed for the time being...

WWJ(efferson)D?

2007-07-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

From: http://www.usvetdsp.com/jan07/jeff_quran.htm (January 2007)

What Thomas Jefferson learned
from the Muslim book of jihad

By Ted Sampley
U.S. Veteran Dispatch
January 2007

Democrat Keith Ellison is now officially the first Muslim United States congressman. True to his pledge, he placed his hand on the Quran, the Muslim book of jihad and pledged his allegiance to the United States during his ceremonial swearing-in.

Capitol Hill staff said Ellison's swearing-in photo opportunity drew more media than they had ever seen in the history of the U.S. House. Ellison represents the 5th Congressional District of Minnesota.

The Quran Ellison used was no ordinary book. It once belonged to Thomas Jefferson, third president of the United States and one of America's founding fathers. Ellison borrowed it from the Rare Book Section of the Library of Congress. It was one of the 6,500 Jefferson books archived in the library.

Ellison, who was born in Detroit and converted to Islam while in college, said he chose to use Jefferson's Quran because it showed that "a visionary like Jefferson" believed that wisdom could be gleaned from many sources.

There is no doubt Ellison was right about Jefferson believing wisdom could be "gleaned" from the Muslim Quran. At the time Jefferson owned the book, he needed to know everything possible about Muslims because he was about to advocate war against the Islamic "Barbary" states of Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia and Tripoli.

Ellison's use of Jefferson's Quran as a prop illuminates a subject once well-known in the history of the United States, but, which today, is mostly forgotten - the Muslim pirate slavers who over many centuries enslaved millions of Africans and tens of thousands of Christian Europeans and Americans in the Islamic "Barbary" states.

Over the course of 10 centuries, Muslim pirates cruised the African and Mediterranean coastline, pillaging villages and seizing slaves.

The taking of slaves in pre-dawn raids on unsuspecting coastal villages had a high casualty rate. It was typical of Muslim raiders to kill off as many of the "non-Muslim" older men and women as possible so the preferred "booty" of only young women and children could be collected.

Young non-Muslim women were targeted because of their value as concubines in Islamic markets. Islamic law provides for the sexual interests of Muslim men by allowing them to take as many as four wives at one time and to have as many concubines as their fortunes allow.

Boys, as young as 9 or 10 years old, were often mutilated to create eunuchs who would bring higher prices in the slave markets of the Middle East. Muslim slave traders created "eunuch stations" along major African slave routes so the necessary surgery could be performed. It was estimated that only a small number of the boys subjected to the mutilation survived after the surgery.

When American colonists rebelled against British rule in 1776, American merchant ships lost Royal Navy protection. With no American Navy for protection, American ships were attacked and their Christian crews enslaved by Muslim pirates operating under the control of the "Dey of Algiers"--an Islamist warlord ruling Algeria.

Because American commerce in the Mediterranean was being destroyed by the pirates, the Continental Congress agreed in 1784 to negotiate treaties with the four Barbary States. Congress appointed a special commission consisting of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin, to oversee the negotiations.

Lacking the ability to protect its merchant ships in the Mediterranean, the new America government tried to appease the Muslim slavers by agreeing to pay tribute and ransoms in order to retrieve seized American ships and buy the freedom of enslaved sailors.

Adams argued in favor of paying tribute as the cheapest way to get American commerce in the Mediterranean moving again. Jefferson was opposed. He believed there would be no end to the demands for tribute and wanted matters settled "through the medium of war." He proposed a league of trading nations to force an end to Muslim piracy.

In 1786, Jefferson, then the American ambassador to France, and Adams, then the American ambassador to Britain, met in London with Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja, the "Dey of Algiers" ambassador to Britain.

The Americans wanted to negotiate a peace treaty based on Congress' vote to appease.

During the meeting Jefferson and Adams asked the Dey's ambassador why Muslims held so much hostility towards America, a nation with which they had no previous contacts.

In a later meeting with the American Congress, the two future presidents reported that Ambassador Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja had answered that Islam "was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Quran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners, and that every Musselman (Muslim) who should be slain in Battle was sure to go to Paradise."

For the following 15 years, the American government paid the Muslims millions of dollars for the safe passage of American ships or the return of American hostages. The payments in ransom and tribute amounted to 20 percent of United States government annual revenues in 1800.

Not long after Jefferson's inauguration as president in 1801, he dispatched a group of frigates to defend American interests in the Mediterranean, and informed Congress.

Declaring that America was going to spend "millions for defense but not one cent for tribute," Jefferson pressed the issue by deploying American Marines and many of America's best warships to the Muslim Barbary Coast.

The USS Constitution, USS Constellation, USS Philadelphia, USS Chesapeake, USS Argus, USS Syren and USS Intrepid all saw action.

In 1805, American Marines marched across the desert from Egypt into Tripolitania, forcing the surrender of Tripoli and the freeing of all American slaves.

During the Jefferson administration, the Muslim Barbary States, crumbling as a result of intense American naval bombardment and on shore raids by Marines, finally officially agreed to abandon slavery and piracy.

Jefferson's victory over the Muslims lives on today in the Marine Hymn, with the line, "From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli, We fight our country's battles in the air, on land and sea."

It wasn't until 1815 that the problem was fully settled by the total defeat of all the Muslim slave trading pirates.

Jefferson had been right. The "medium of war" was the only way to put and end to the Muslim problem. Mr. Ellison was right about Jefferson. He was a "visionary" wise enough to read and learn about the enemy from their own Muslim book of jihad.

2007 MLB All-Star Game

2007-07-10T21:37:00.000-05:00

As I sit here with a Boddington's beer in one hand, and the Disgruntled Dog resting in my lap, while I watch the 2007 All-Star Game, I decided to jot down some thoughts as the game progressed:

-The Disgruntled Girlfriend claims that the West Coast (where she's from) is far superior to the East Coast (where I'm from) since this game, which started at around 9 PM EST(after the Willie Mays love-fest from 8-9), would have started at 5 PM out in Seattle (where the DG calls home). I say they should just not have these games out on the West Coast. However, I think PacBell Park (or whatever it's called now) is #1 on my list of stadiums to visit.

-Prince Fielder commits the first error of the game. PUT IN DMITRI YOUNG!!! (Side Note on Young: I witnessed in person a Dmitri Young TRIPLE the other day against the Cubs. Bill Simmons would have listed it as a 10 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale.)

-Barry Bonds - Here's my thought on B-Bonds. I remember watching games at the old Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium between the Braves and the Pirates, and Bonds definitely has gained some muscle and head size since then. Do I think he has used steroids? Possibly. Do I care? No. Here's five reasons why:

1.) The MLB players in the 50's-80's were high on either greenies or cocaine. If we're judging players now, we've gotta judge players then.
2.) Steroids don't improve talent - just look at Jason Grimsley. You still gotta be able to hit the ball.
3.) When McGuire and Sosa were battling it out to beat Roger Maris' single-season home-run record, MLB and Bud Selig didn't bat an eye, despite visual evidence that seemed to suggest that these two behemoths might possibly be using a little something extra. I abhor hypocricy more than anything.
4.) Bonds has never failed a drug test. Without a doubt, I'd vote for Barry Bonds as the 2007 "Sick of the Bullshit Award" on the Blogadier General's site.
5.) "Transformers" is a fucking incredible movie. Sorry, nothing to do with the game or Bonds, but I just love it. God, I love the Transformers.

I do like Hank Aaron, though, so I have mixed thoughts on the whole thing.

-Carlos Beltran still in in the 6th inning...interesting. Then, he hits a triple (Ichiro got an inside the park HR hitting at the same spot....). Shows how much I know.

-"Next on Fox 5 News, the DC Madam releases her client list - is someone you know on the list??" Um...I don't think so, but shit now I'm interested!

-Paula Cole singing "God Bless America." My thoughts - she's pale! And being booed!! And she's gained weight!!! And I'm an asshole!!!! (Actually she was pretty good whilst singing that song...)

-God I love Tony LaRussa. Seriously, why can't he ever manage the Braves or the Nationals so I can marry him and get it over with?

-Holy crap, I completely forgot about Carlos Lee this season (not being on my fantasy team or an actual team I care about). He struck out anyway against Johan Santana, so, no reason for me to remember him.

-Ichiro is the MVP of this game. Whoever wins. You just can't get him out. He's the King. You can't beat him.

-Soriano. I just saw him live in a game against my Nats (he used to play for them, before he wanted more money). He just struck out against Johan. When I saw him live the other day, he went 1-4, with 2 K's. Typical Soriano game. I don't miss him. We picked up Dmitri Young, who has more than made up for his offense. However, our new leadoff man...ahem, Nook Logan, ahem...is hitting .227.

-I'm not sure what my thoughts are on the new "Simpsons Movie." I think that this movie should have come out about 7 or 8 years ago, back at the height of their writing days. Also, the previews and commercials are terrible. I will, of course, see the movie, but I've got high expectations that I'm not sure will be met like "Transformers" did. Did I mention I loved that movie??

-The first batter struck out by an NL pitcher came in the top of the 8th inning. I have always thought/known that the reason they can't win All-Star games...and World Series's actually...is that the AL consistently has better pitchers. This is something the NL really needs to address. Shit, Vic Martinez just made the game 5-2 (in the top of the 8th) against one of the better NL relievers (Wagner). Can the NL come back from 3 runs down? No.

-Hate Jeter...but love the Jeter/Harvey Keitel "Schmendrik" commercial. BTW, please correct me if that's not Keitel.

-I'm pretty sure I could steal a base against these catchers. Might be a record for SB's in an A-S game??

-Rob Sen's nickname was "The Penguin"??

-So, here's my problem with the "This Time It Matters" idea. Despite the ONE TIME the game ended with a tie (and I'm pretty sure the world continued unabated after that), back when it was an overrated exhibition game, the A-S game allowed for a Little League-esque "Everyone Plays" situation. Now that the World Series home field advantage is decided by this, not everyone plays anymore. Well...fuck it...I want to see Dmitri Young play goddammit!! The American League at this point is essentially the NBA Western Conference, so why not just admit the AL is going to win, let the players we want to see play play, and just suck it up in October. Especially if you're Tony LaRussa, and your team has no chance in hell of being affected by this exhibition game.

-Miller "Chill" sounds a lot like "Tequiza". If I remember correctly, Tequiza made me throw up after a couple sips.

-My dog grunts like Mr. T when she wants something.

-Poo-Holes hasn't played yet, neither has Dmitri Young, according to my least-favorite announcer of all-time, Joe Buck. However, in this case, I wonder at that occurrence just as he does.

-I think that the managers selected to the All-Star games should come from the teams with the best records in each league at the time of the All-Star game, as they do in the NBA. LaRussa, despite my man-love for him, does not belong here...though Leyritz is doing a superb job.

-Hate to do this, but I gotta pick a favorite commercial of this game - the Miller High-Life commercials. For my grandpa, Pap-Pap, a lifelong High-Life drinker... When he's not plying me or the DG with bourbon or wine, that is.

-I'd rather vote for Hillary or Obama in '08 than watch a single episode of "Don't Forget The Lyrics."

-Hee! First inadvertent curse word of the night by Posada! Or was it the umpire...

-DMITRI YOUNG!! Last batter for the NL? Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge Young fan, but, um, Larussa, you have not played Poo-holes yet. He's pretty good, too...BUT DMITRI YOUNG WITH THE BASE HIT!!! GO NATS!!!

-No way Soriano takes the walk at 3-1...no way. HOLY SHIT, HE HIT A HOME RUN!!! I swear I was typing that as the pitch came. 5-4 AL in the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs. Great game so far. Dmitri Young for MVP!!!!

-Orlando Hudson over Poo-Holes...interesting choice...Now it's 3-0. DON'T SWING THE BAT ORLANDO!!! Oh yeah, I'm rooting for the NL...Wow, now three walks in a row for K-Rod. Fascinating. Hey, here's an idea, how about Poo-Holes? Oop, nope, Aaron Rowand is up...and he flys out. What a surprise. Poo-Holes gets a day off. Well-managed T-Lar. Oh well, if the Braves manage to win the NL (Ha!), it won't matter anyway.

-Oh, hey, Tony, bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, bases loaded...you know who would have been great in that situation? Ah, fuck it, never mind...

-I think my LaRussa man-love is over. I hope Poo-Holes gives him a donkey-punch.

-That's all from the Disgruntled Camp. Disgruntled Out...

UPDATE Poo-Holes is Pissed at LaRussa for not letting him in the game. Said LaRussa: "I think we had the right guy [Aaron Rowand, who flied out weakly to end the game] at the plate." This is all Selig's fault...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!

2007-07-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

I couldn't believe the news when I read it, but it's all there, in print! This changes EVERYTHING!!

According to a report out of Reuters, "Women Prefer Muscular Men." Who knew????

Wasn't This Basically the Plot of "Three Kings"??

2007-07-09T09:31:00.000-05:00

I've so far received two emails to my Disgruntled Investor's "contact" email - one informing me that I've won the UK Lottery (I didn't even know I was in the running!) and this one:

Dear Friend,

I am John England, an Army contractor attached to the US Army corps of engineers in Iraq. The reason why I’m explaining my findings to you are to seek for your assistance to enable you contributes immensely to the actualization of my dream.

On the 30th day of June 2007, I and my group of men under my supervision were alerted on the need of some urgent reconstruction works in Haifa Street, a long thoroughfare of high-rise buildings built and occupied by Saddam Hussein when he was alive here in Baghdad. Immediately we proceeded to the site and as we commence work to our utmost surprise we discovered a huge underground bunker in one of the buildings. Upon investigation of the bunker to our surprise we discovered one very lager box safely hidden and sealed together with numerous other boxes filled with different item, However I was attracted to the large box which was the only sealed box of them all, I told my men to open the box in order to find out the contents and when they were opened to our amazement the boxes contained US Dollars which amounted to $46M after time was taken to count them in bundles and rolls.

I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy so that we can have the money to our selves, they all agreed to the plan, I wisely took the decision for us to share the money between our selves right there in the room to avoid suspicion in moving the very large box and that led me to having US$10.2 Million (US$10,200,000) as my own share of the money after which I concealed it in one box and decided to get the money out of the country but first I hid the money in a safe and untraceable location.

I am now in desperate need of a “Reliable and Trustworthy” person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me up on till my assignment elapses here. I cannot leave the boxes here in Iraq like most of my men have foolishly done due to many reasons one of which is because Iraq is getting unsafe and dangerous everyday and a full blown civil war among Shiites and Sunni Iraqis may start any moment. I assure and promise to give you 14% of this fund, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this deal.

Please assure me of your keeping this topmost secret within you so that my job would not be jeopardized. Kindly get back to me through my personal e-mail: johnnyingland@yahoo.co.uk

My Sincere regards,

John England

The Disgruntled Investor's Shop Is Closed

2007-07-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

After a total of 0 sales. Thanks bitches.

I Wouldn't Say I've Been Missing It, Bob

2007-07-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

Hello Disgruntleds!

Nothing substantial to talk about today, just a myriad of smaller things...

1.) First off, interesting development at work. My office window faces a luxury condo building about 50-75 yards away from us. Some of the units have an open balcony, and some have closed-in breakfast nook type balconies. Anyway, occasionally, we'll see small parties, exercise, or bong-smoking going on, but nothing too interesting.

That is...until a few days ago. It turns out that a certain resident with one of the breakfast nook balconies seems to have a dislike for wearing clothes. Luckily, she happens to be a shapely woman! My boss (whose office is next to mine) and I have been on "Nekkid Watch" all week now, and today's actually the first day she's disappointed. She's either always naked or in a bathrobe - all day long. Our secretary thinks she must be a prostitute, and that's definitely a possibility.

UPDATE!!! Just turned around as I was typing this, and she came out again in the bathrobe (note: it's 3:45 PM). I imagine the reason she was robed (doubtful that she's got anything on underneath) is that the maintenance man is fixing her windows. And no, that's not a sexual euphemism...or is it?? Maybe she's trying put some kind of tint on her windows so I can't look in.

TOO BAD PROSTITUTE, I'VE GOT EAGLE EYES!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Seriously, though, most of us on this floor are in agreement that she knows what she's doing when she walks around naked. Oh yes, she knows what she's doing...

2.) If I inherited nothing else from my mom (besides the Disgruntled Dog), I definitely picked up her habit of not answering the phone if I don't recognize the phone number. This is probably an offshoot of my dealings with Craigslist tenant ads. I stopped listing my number for those, because it's a lot easier to racially profile via email. (KIDDING!!! Or am I??) Anyway, though, I had some awkward conversations back when I used to list it (like the time I got a call from an agency trying to place two refugee women in one of my rooms...awkward), so now I screen all my calls. It's a habit I'm not proud of, but, you know, it's there. My general rule is, if I don't recognize your number, and you don't leave me a message, then eat it, I'm not talking to you. Anyway, the problem with this is that there are a lot of people out there who seem to feel that leaving a message is below them, so I miss some important calls every once in a while. But, when I suck it up and answer, I inevitably get a goddamn telemarketer or something. If you try to look the number up on Switchboard.com, 99.9% of the time you'll get a "Name Unavailable" listing. Thanks guys.

However, I happened to stumble upon a little site called "Who Called?", which is friggin' incredible. I'm going to put it on my links section on the right side of the blog as well. Basically, what it is is a community of people fed up with telemarketers and unlisted phone numbers who answer these unknown numbers, then post on the site who they are. It's an incredible database - I've been getting a call from a California-based number for a week now, and, thanks to the site, I found out it's the Investor's Business Daily, probably wondering why I didn't reup my subscription. Ha ha guys. I'm sure I'll be using this service the next time Comcrap calls to try to convince me that $159/month is way too little to be paying for cable/internet service. Anyway, check out the site, it's great.

3.) I've said it before, and I'll say it again: AL GORE FOR PRESIDENT!!! (At least it was an environmentally friendly automobile, right?)

4.) And, finally, this...

Happy July 6th Everyone!!

-Disgruntled A

It's All About The Clevelands

2007-07-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

At some point in the wee hours tonight (not long before I began writing this actually), The Disgruntled Investor's Blog Space received its 1000th visitor.

To celebrate, I offer the following picture of Maria Sharapova's panties.

Catfeesh!!

2007-06-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

I had a similar problem recently, when I tried to test the limits of Benihana's "All-You-Can-Eat Sushi" special. All I can eat?!?! We'll see about that!!

Turns out they were right - they knew my limits better than me...

Virtue Soup For President!!

2007-06-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

From Yahoo!

BOSTON - Mitt Romney's been called many things as he runs for president, but chances are "Sticky Rice" isn't one of them.

That's how his name might be read on some ballots, according to state Secretary William Galvin.

Galvin says the federal Justice Department is pressuring Boston election officials to translate candidates' names into Chinese characters in precincts with prominent Chinese-speaking populations.

But there's more than a little lost in translation, according to Galvin.

Since there's no Chinese character for "Romney," translators have resorted to finding characters that most closely match the sound of each syllable in the name.

The problem is that there are many different characters that could be used to match the sound of each syllable, and many different meanings for each character.

So Mitt Romney could be read as "Sticky Rice" or "Uncooked Rice." Fred Thompson might be read as "Virtue Soup." And Barack Obama could be read as "Oh Bus Horse."

Galvin's own name could be read at least two different ways, as "High Prominent Noble Educated" or "Stick Mosquito."

But perhaps the most perplexing translation would be for Boston Mayor Thomas Menino's name, which could be read as "Sun Moon Rainbow Farmer" or "Imbecile," or "Barbarian Mud No Mind of His Own."

"To try to make rhymes or approximations in Chinese, you can have unintended negative meanings," Galvin said. "It leads to confusion. You can render it with a good meaning or a bad meaning."

To add to the confusion, Galvin said, the ballots have to be offered in two major Chinese dialects, Mandarin and Cantonese, leading to even more potential variations of candidates's names.

But advocates for minority voting rights say Galvin's objections are misdirected. If the translations are awkward, they say, the candidates should be free to offer variations, or look to the way Asian language newspapers already transliterate their names.

"We are looking to make sure Asian Americans are able to vote for their candidates of choice," Glenn Magpantay, staff attorney of the New York-based Asian American Defense Fund, told the Boston Globe. "This is difficult to do when voters with limited English proficiency cannot find those candidates."

Cynthia Magnuson, spokeswoman to the Justice Department's civil rights division, said a system is needed to let voters with limited English vote without the aid of election monitors.

"This will allow them to vote independently," she said.

Galvin said he supports translating the bulk of the ballots into Chinese as required by a 2005 agreement with the justice department, as long as the names of the candidates' names remain in Roman letters.

P.S. When I was in China, my name in Chinese was Zhang Yadan, which, roughly translated, meant The Disgruntled Investor. What a coinkydink!

Better than Talladega Nights, anyway...

2007-06-27T13:34:00.000-05:00

Will Ferrell can be kind of hit (Anchorman, Stranger Than Fiction) or miss (Talladega Nights), but overall he's pretty hilarious. Anyway, he's launched his own YouTube type of website, www.funnyordie.com, which is a great way to waste a couple of hours of your work day.

Here's its most famous video, "The Landlord." It pissed off O'Reilly good, reportedly. Check out the follow-up, "Good Cop, Baby Cop" which is funny, too. I want my kid to be just like Pearl...bitch.

The Landlord

Ladies, ladies, pleaaase, there's plenty Disgruntled to go around for everyone!

2007-06-26T10:14:00.000-05:00

I was having dinner the other day with a Disgruntled Vegetarian Friend of mine (disgruntled, no doubt, due to the vegetarianism), when we got to talking about this site, and, more specifically, about my T-shirts That No One Is Buying.

Pointing out my large female readership (3 girls to 2 guys means a female majority), she wondered aloud about my lack of female-friendly products.

"You know, I've been meaning to do something about that, but haven't really been motivated due to the lack of sales," I dryly noted.

"Well, I bet if you created a Disgruntled Girlfriend shirt, that would pick things up," the Disgruntled Vegetarian noted, "there are a lot of those out there."

"There are a lot of Disgruntled Girlfriend shirts out there?" I asked.

"No moron, a lot of disgruntled girlfriends. They are probably disgruntled due to their lack of Disgruntled Girlfriend t-shirts," the DV said.

"Well, you may have a point there...but will the t-shirts alone do it, you think?"

"Maybe," she replied, "especially if they came in multiple colors. But they'd really only be able to express their disgruntledness up top...they wouldn't really be able to show how they feel during intimate encounters."

"Hmmm...I think I might have an idea...or two..." I said, stroking my now non-existent beard.

By the way, thanks to the recently identified Blogadier General for his shout-out!

Viet Dong, Number One!

2007-06-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

As an update to my previous post, it turns out the other "hot currency" speculators are buying is the Vietnamese currency, the hilariously named dong. Investing in the dong seems a much safer investment than the dinar, as the Vietnamese economy is strong and attracting a lot of foreign investment (especially from the US, we love us some dong!). Additionally, there is a lot of worldwide pressure on the Vietnamese to revalue their currency to make it more in line with market realities, similar to the pressure on China. Seems everyone wants a piece of the dong, but only at the right price!

But, the best part about following the movement of the dong (besides being able to say 'movement of the dong') is the ability to have actual quotes like this: (from Bloomberg)

"The dong's weakness since mid-May was an attempt by the central bank to move the currency back to the center of its policy band, Hui wrote in a note to clients today. `Now that intra-band reposition has largely been completed, entry into long dong positions is more favorable.'

Asked to comment, a local Vietnamese economist said, "But, our dong is...so small!"

Will Iraq's Economy Improve? I Dinar.

2007-06-20T09:20:00.002-05:00

Borrowed...

Any Way You Want It

2007-06-12T07:51:00.000-05:00

Just read this excellent article/interview with David Chase today about the last Sopranos episode. Anyway, check it out, I think it's the best thing I've read yet about the ending and whatnot.

By the way, I've had "Don't Stop Believing" going through my head constantly for the past two days. It's causing me to lose sleep! Stupid Journey.

Don't Stop Believing

2007-06-11T08:35:00.000-05:00

At approximately 10:02 PM last night, I stood up and cursed my TV, convinced that my stupid Comcast cable had cut out right as Tony Soprano was about to be whacked or the diner he and his family were in was about to be blown up. My little brother, who was over watching the Sopranos finale along with one of my tenants, had gotten up in the middle of the show to use the bathroom, and I had reluctantly relented in pausing the show while he did his business. As the DVR struggled with the rewind, I thanked him for possibly contributing to the cable's malfunction.

However, after rewinding and rewatching three times, it suddenly hit us - the abrupt and awkward cut to black was the actual ending of The Sopranos long-running series. It was very Andy Kauffman-esque; no doubt every other viewer had the same reaction as I did and thought their cable was broken at the worst possible moment.

My two fellow Sopranos watchers cursed at the TV, for a different reason this time, and left, utterly disappointed with the series ending.

I, however, thought it was great. Well, maybe not great, but not bad.

There was absolutely no way that David Chase could have ended this series without making some segment of his fans disgruntled. Tony's death would have felt forced and non-cathartic. Tony flipping and being Witness-Protected out to Arizona would have been a blatant Goodfellas ripoff. Tony losing those closest to him (Carmela, AJ, Meadow) would have left everyone with a bad feeling, and probably would have preceded one of the aforementioned subpar endings. A terrorist attack (which was my prediction for the finale, given the incessant hints dropped this season) would have been, frankly, stupid. And finally, Paulie selling Tony out would have been unrealistic, since Tony Sirico's contract specifically forbids that outcome.

So, in the end, although he did throw his viewers a major bone (Phil Leotardo's excellently gruesome death), he ended it the only way he could - by saying to all of us: "Use your imagination." It was his way of letting everyone have the ending that we feel is most appropriate for the characters we've followed for eight years.

Among the possibilities:
1.) One of the shady characters in the diner (by the way, most tense five minutes of television I've ever watched) offs Tony, his family, or everyone in the diner;
2.) Carlo rats Tony out, and he is indicted on his gun charge;
3.) Carmela gets breast cancer (I'm telling you - this was heavily alluded to early this season...);
4.) Meadow learns how to park a goddamn car (probably the most remote possibility);
5.) Tony flips and moves to Arizona;
6.) Nothing. Nothing happens at all. Things just continue on as they were, with all of the normal daily challenges and surprises.

Think of it as a Choose Your Own Adventure ending. It was the only way Chase could have ended the series without it being corny, stupid, or unrealistic. Ultimately, it was the best way to go out.

It was the only way to end a great season, and a great series. Arguably the best television show ever produced.

Now go get me some gobbagool...

-Here's the funniest thing Mad TV has ever put out:

Ode To Beard

2007-06-08T07:58:00.000-05:00

Since around mid-February, the Disgruntled Investor has been sporting a full beard. Not like a Grizzly Adams beard, and nothing anywhere near as cool as the guy above, but a beard nonetheless.

I have mixed feelings on the beard, but no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to shave it off. It looks pretty good, and makes me look my age, rather than like a 12 year old boy, which is how I look without it. I actually grew the beard originally for that very reason; when I showed rooms to potential renters they always looked at me strangely, and usually asked: "So...you're the owner of the house??" I sensed a lack of respect and confidence in my landlording abilities, so I grew the beard. Immediately, I was able to rent out all of my rooms, and the rents started coming in on time, if not early. With the beard came the respect.

Another positive aspect of the beard is that the Disgruntled Girlfriend loves it. Can't get enough of it. I would think that kissing someone with a beard would be weird, like making out with a Sasquatch, but apparently the ladies like it. She's been a very vocal defender of the beard, which may have played a part in my continued beard-having. Most likely, she now doesn't feel like she's breaking any statutory laws by kissing me.

I keep mine pretty closely cropped, which requires a 10-15 minute "grooming session" every few days. It's not as thin and cropped as A.J. Soprano's "chin-strap" beard (which I'm not a big fan of), but there's no danger of birds nesting in it either. On those days that I'm not grooming, I just do a quick swipe of the electric razor around my cheek (to avoid the cheek-beard) and lower neck (to avoid the neck-beard), and overall that probably saves me about 5 minutes or so in the morning.

So, I'll probably keep it for a while longer, but probably not indefinitely. I spent a few months in Shanghai in the summer of 2002, and while there I grew my beard out as part of a pact with a buddy of mine (he didn't keep his side of the bargain - he claimed he was unable to grow his...). Anyway, one thing about Shanghai in the summer is it is one of the hottest and most humid places on Earth. We would play pick-up basketball games with some of the Chinese guys around the university we were staying at, and afterwards, I would furiously scratch my beard like a crack addict due to the sweat irritating my under-beard skin. Needless to say, I didn't keep that beard for too long, and I worry that Washington, DC's summer, which is not too different from Shanghai's, might cause me to do the same.

But for now, all hail the beard!

By the way, the picture above is from the World Beard and Moustache Championships. The link is for the United States WBMC team. Definitely check it out if you've got nothing to do - the gallery is one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

-Disgruntled A

In The Ghetto...

2007-06-06T09:15:00.001-05:00

Wusup bitches!

Having lived in or near the Washington, DC area for about 12 years now, I've become quite aware of where not to go in the city at night - namely, New York Avenue and the SE/Anacostia area. Matter of fact, I wouldn't even go into Anacostia during the day if I could help it.

For those outside this area, SE/Anacostia is near where they are building the new Nationals baseball stadium, which should ultimately lead to a gentrification/cleaning up of the area to make it more tourist/$$$ friendly. I remember visiting the Chinatown area of DC back in the early 90's, and being absolutely terrified for my life the entire time. It was a really rough area, with drug deals openly going down in broad daylight as the police watched, uninterested. Now, thanks to the MCI/Verizon Center, Chinatown is one of the trendiest and safest areas in DC. Crazy.

Anyway, I've had two experiences, both accidental, in SE/Anacostia, both at nighttime. Both times involved thinking I was going somewhere else, and somehow finding myself deep in the poorly lit, highly dangerous ghetto.

The first time I had the pleasure of seeing the mean streets of DC a friend and I were heading up into DC to see Less Than Jake play at the 9:30 Club. I was 17 at the time, and this was my first time driving into DC. This was the early days of Mapquest, before they got at least some of the bugs worked out, and the directions were piss poor awful. My friend's little sister (who was about 14 or so) and her friend were in the backseat of my 1983 Toyota Tercel hatchback (I really had to fight off the ladies when I rolled up in that beauty...), and being big ska kids at the time, we were pretty stoked for the show. Mapquest glibly told us to take the exit off of 395 North that put us directly on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

(Quick word of advice: MLK, Jr. was a great man, and did a lot of good in this country. Unfortunately America's cities seem to name their most dangerous streets after him. I'd stay off of them if I were you.)

As we stared, wide-eyed and trembling, at the scene around us, we realized we were in the ghetto. Like Dr. Dre Compton ghetto. Drug deals were going down around us, guns were being openly displayed, and four skinny white kids from the suburbs in a shitty hatchback stuck out like...well...four skinny white kids from the suburbs in a shitty hatchback. Unfortunately, we couldn't figure out how to get off of this road. It's like we had entered an urban trap, and were doomed to spend the rest of the night fighting for survival. I got my Gat ready...

...until we saw V Street! The 9:30 Club is on the corner of 9th and V Streets, and Mapquest turned to me as if to say, "I told you so..." I rolled my eyes, and turned up the street, where we were immediately greeted with a blinding police spotlight shined on my car. Naivety in tow, I pulled up next to the cop thinking, hey, he can give us directions, right?

The cop came up to my window, and I preempted the conversation by telling him that we were lost, and just trying to get to the 9:30 Club. He wrinkled his brow and asked for my ID. Not thinking anything of it, I complied, and he noted that Fredericksburg, VA (where this trip began) was a long way away from where we now were. I chuckled and agreed. He asked me to get out of the car (to give me directions??). At about this time I noticed that a second squad car had pulled up in back of my car, and I was completely blocked in. The cop in the other car had gotten out and was shining a flashlight into my vehicle, which I thought was strange. Still, though, I didn't think anything was that unusual. It was the ghetto after all, and they were surely only trying to protect us.

My cop started saying how strange it was that we would end up here, on this street of all places, since it was the largest narcotics zone in DC. Hmm, I thought, that is strange, but when am I getting my directions. Then, my cop busts out this gem:

"Do you have any marijuana or weapons in your vehicle?"

It was about this time that I noticed that the other cop had gotten my friend out of the car and had slammed him up against the Tercel, patting him up and down in a blatant violation of his rights. I told my cop that of course I don't have anything in my car. He responded by asking where we had picked up the two girls in the backseat, and began to imply that we were major narcotics dealers. This was starting to go south rather quickly.

My cop snatched our ID's and went back to his squad car to look up our obviously long and illustrious criminal histories, while my friend seethed on the curb. I was starting to get irritated, not least of which because the show was starting. When my cop came back, clearly aware that he had made a mistake with us, the other cop had been going through my car (without my permission, I might add) and found a cigar I had in there. He picked it up, and my cop snidely asked, "Oh, so what, are you a connoisseur?" I gave him a smart-ass response, and he gave our ID's back.

"OK, here's what I'm going to do for you guys," he started, "Right now we don't have enough evidence to bring you in, so I'm going to let you go this time. But if we see you in this area again, that will be evidence enough to prosecute!"

As we looked incredulously at each other, he continued.

"You know, this used to be the largest narcotics zone in DC, but we're cracking down now, so be sure to tell all your friends!"

At this, my friend busted out laughing. It was a pretty stupid thing to say, and the cop looked sheepishly away. He wrote out directions to the club for us, and we sped off. Needless to say, we didn't enjoy the concert all that much. It took a couple years for my anger at DC to subside enough for me to even go back into the city.

The second time I ended up in Anacostia was when I offered to give two people a ride whose car had broken down outside my gym in Arlington. They said their house was right up the road, and pointed in back of the gym. What they meant was, right up the interstate, and into Anacostia, at 9PM, on a hot summer night. Summer in DC is kind of a festival time for crime. Sometimes I really can be a moron. Luckily I escaped that situation unscathed as well, but it reminds me of what Dave Chappelle says, that it's worse to be brought to the ghetto when you're not expecting it.

Anyway, here's Chappelle's ghetto bit from his DC show on HBO a couple years ago. Enjoy!

!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

Question: Why do Japanese and Chinese TV stations always subtitle themselves??
Answer: Even they don't understand their goddamn language!!!

P.S. Here's the link to the story about the robot baby.

UPDATE: Robots are Democrats?!?!?!