BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe the news when I read it, but it's all there, in print! This changes EVERYTHING!!

According to a report out of Reuters, "Women Prefer Muscular Men." Who knew????

Wasn't This Basically the Plot of "Three Kings"??

I've so far received two emails to my Disgruntled Investor's "contact" email - one informing me that I've won the UK Lottery (I didn't even know I was in the running!) and this one:

Dear Friend,

I am John England, an Army contractor attached to the US Army corps of engineers in Iraq. The reason why I’m explaining my findings to you are to seek for your assistance to enable you contributes immensely to the actualization of my dream.

On the 30th day of June 2007, I and my group of men under my supervision were alerted on the need of some urgent reconstruction works in Haifa Street, a long thoroughfare of high-rise buildings built and occupied by Saddam Hussein when he was alive here in Baghdad. Immediately we proceeded to the site and as we commence work to our utmost surprise we discovered a huge underground bunker in one of the buildings. Upon investigation of the bunker to our surprise we discovered one very lager box safely hidden and sealed together with numerous other boxes filled with different item, However I was attracted to the large box which was the only sealed box of them all, I told my men to open the box in order to find out the contents and when they were opened to our amazement the boxes contained US Dollars which amounted to $46M after time was taken to count them in bundles and rolls.

I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy so that we can have the money to our selves, they all agreed to the plan, I wisely took the decision for us to share the money between our selves right there in the room to avoid suspicion in moving the very large box and that led me to having US$10.2 Million (US$10,200,000) as my own share of the money after which I concealed it in one box and decided to get the money out of the country but first I hid the money in a safe and untraceable location.

I am now in desperate need of a “Reliable and Trustworthy” person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me up on till my assignment elapses here. I cannot leave the boxes here in Iraq like most of my men have foolishly done due to many reasons one of which is because Iraq is getting unsafe and dangerous everyday and a full blown civil war among Shiites and Sunni Iraqis may start any moment. I assure and promise to give you 14% of this fund, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this deal.

Please assure me of your keeping this topmost secret within you so that my job would not be jeopardized. Kindly get back to me through my personal e-mail: johnnyingland@yahoo.co.uk

My Sincere regards,

John England

The Disgruntled Investor's Shop Is Closed

After a total of 0 sales. Thanks bitches.

I Wouldn't Say I've Been Missing It, Bob

Hello Disgruntleds!

Nothing substantial to talk about today, just a myriad of smaller things...

1.) First off, interesting development at work. My office window faces a luxury condo building about 50-75 yards away from us. Some of the units have an open balcony, and some have closed-in breakfast nook type balconies. Anyway, occasionally, we'll see small parties, exercise, or bong-smoking going on, but nothing too interesting.

That is...until a few days ago. It turns out that a certain resident with one of the breakfast nook balconies seems to have a dislike for wearing clothes. Luckily, she happens to be a shapely woman! My boss (whose office is next to mine) and I have been on "Nekkid Watch" all week now, and today's actually the first day she's disappointed. She's either always naked or in a bathrobe - all day long. Our secretary thinks she must be a prostitute, and that's definitely a possibility.

UPDATE!!! Just turned around as I was typing this, and she came out again in the bathrobe (note: it's 3:45 PM). I imagine the reason she was robed (doubtful that she's got anything on underneath) is that the maintenance man is fixing her windows. And no, that's not a sexual euphemism...or is it?? Maybe she's trying put some kind of tint on her windows so I can't look in.

TOO BAD PROSTITUTE, I'VE GOT EAGLE EYES!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Seriously, though, most of us on this floor are in agreement that she knows what she's doing when she walks around naked. Oh yes, she knows what she's doing...

2.) If I inherited nothing else from my mom (besides the Disgruntled Dog), I definitely picked up her habit of not answering the phone if I don't recognize the phone number. This is probably an offshoot of my dealings with Craigslist tenant ads. I stopped listing my number for those, because it's a lot easier to racially profile via email. (KIDDING!!! Or am I??) Anyway, though, I had some awkward conversations back when I used to list it (like the time I got a call from an agency trying to place two refugee women in one of my rooms...awkward), so now I screen all my calls. It's a habit I'm not proud of, but, you know, it's there. My general rule is, if I don't recognize your number, and you don't leave me a message, then eat it, I'm not talking to you. Anyway, the problem with this is that there are a lot of people out there who seem to feel that leaving a message is below them, so I miss some important calls every once in a while. But, when I suck it up and answer, I inevitably get a goddamn telemarketer or something. If you try to look the number up on Switchboard.com, 99.9% of the time you'll get a "Name Unavailable" listing. Thanks guys.

However, I happened to stumble upon a little site called "Who Called?", which is friggin' incredible. I'm going to put it on my links section on the right side of the blog as well. Basically, what it is is a community of people fed up with telemarketers and unlisted phone numbers who answer these unknown numbers, then post on the site who they are. It's an incredible database - I've been getting a call from a California-based number for a week now, and, thanks to the site, I found out it's the Investor's Business Daily, probably wondering why I didn't reup my subscription. Ha ha guys. I'm sure I'll be using this service the next time Comcrap calls to try to convince me that $159/month is way too little to be paying for cable/internet service. Anyway, check out the site, it's great.

3.) I've said it before, and I'll say it again: AL GORE FOR PRESIDENT!!! (At least it was an environmentally friendly automobile, right?)

4.) And, finally, this...



Happy July 6th Everyone!!

-Disgruntled A

It's All About The Clevelands

At some point in the wee hours tonight (not long before I began writing this actually), The Disgruntled Investor's Blog Space received its 1000th visitor.

To celebrate, I offer the following picture of Maria Sharapova's panties.

Catfeesh!!

I had a similar problem recently, when I tried to test the limits of Benihana's "All-You-Can-Eat Sushi" special. All I can eat?!?! We'll see about that!!

Turns out they were right - they knew my limits better than me...

Virtue Soup For President!!

From Yahoo!

BOSTON - Mitt Romney's been called many things as he runs for president, but chances are "Sticky Rice" isn't one of them.

That's how his name might be read on some ballots, according to state Secretary William Galvin.

Galvin says the federal Justice Department is pressuring Boston election officials to translate candidates' names into Chinese characters in precincts with prominent Chinese-speaking populations.

But there's more than a little lost in translation, according to Galvin.

Since there's no Chinese character for "Romney," translators have resorted to finding characters that most closely match the sound of each syllable in the name.

The problem is that there are many different characters that could be used to match the sound of each syllable, and many different meanings for each character.

So Mitt Romney could be read as "Sticky Rice" or "Uncooked Rice." Fred Thompson might be read as "Virtue Soup." And Barack Obama could be read as "Oh Bus Horse."

Galvin's own name could be read at least two different ways, as "High Prominent Noble Educated" or "Stick Mosquito."

But perhaps the most perplexing translation would be for Boston Mayor Thomas Menino's name, which could be read as "Sun Moon Rainbow Farmer" or "Imbecile," or "Barbarian Mud No Mind of His Own."

"To try to make rhymes or approximations in Chinese, you can have unintended negative meanings," Galvin said. "It leads to confusion. You can render it with a good meaning or a bad meaning."

To add to the confusion, Galvin said, the ballots have to be offered in two major Chinese dialects, Mandarin and Cantonese, leading to even more potential variations of candidates's names.

But advocates for minority voting rights say Galvin's objections are misdirected. If the translations are awkward, they say, the candidates should be free to offer variations, or look to the way Asian language newspapers already transliterate their names.

"We are looking to make sure Asian Americans are able to vote for their candidates of choice," Glenn Magpantay, staff attorney of the New York-based Asian American Defense Fund, told the Boston Globe. "This is difficult to do when voters with limited English proficiency cannot find those candidates."

Cynthia Magnuson, spokeswoman to the Justice Department's civil rights division, said a system is needed to let voters with limited English vote without the aid of election monitors.

"This will allow them to vote independently," she said.

Galvin said he supports translating the bulk of the ballots into Chinese as required by a 2005 agreement with the justice department, as long as the names of the candidates' names remain in Roman letters.

P.S. When I was in China, my name in Chinese was Zhang Yadan, which, roughly translated, meant The Disgruntled Investor. What a coinkydink!

Better than Talladega Nights, anyway...

Will Ferrell can be kind of hit (Anchorman, Stranger Than Fiction) or miss (Talladega Nights), but overall he's pretty hilarious. Anyway, he's launched his own YouTube type of website, www.funnyordie.com, which is a great way to waste a couple of hours of your work day.

Here's its most famous video, "The Landlord." It pissed off O'Reilly good, reportedly. Check out the follow-up, "Good Cop, Baby Cop" which is funny, too. I want my kid to be just like Pearl...bitch.

Ladies, ladies, pleaaase, there's plenty Disgruntled to go around for everyone!

I was having dinner the other day with a Disgruntled Vegetarian Friend of mine (disgruntled, no doubt, due to the vegetarianism), when we got to talking about this site, and, more specifically, about my T-shirts That No One Is Buying.

Pointing out my large female readership (3 girls to 2 guys means a female majority), she wondered aloud about my lack of female-friendly products.

"You know, I've been meaning to do something about that, but haven't really been motivated due to the lack of sales," I dryly noted.

"Well, I bet if you created a Disgruntled Girlfriend shirt, that would pick things up," the Disgruntled Vegetarian noted, "there are a lot of those out there."

"There are a lot of Disgruntled Girlfriend shirts out there?" I asked.

"No moron, a lot of disgruntled girlfriends. They are probably disgruntled due to their lack of Disgruntled Girlfriend t-shirts," the DV said.

"Well, you may have a point there...but will the t-shirts alone do it, you think?"

"Maybe," she replied, "especially if they came in multiple colors. But they'd really only be able to express their disgruntledness up top...they wouldn't really be able to show how they feel during intimate encounters."

"Hmmm...I think I might have an idea...or two..." I said, stroking my now non-existent beard.


By the way, thanks to the recently identified Blogadier General for his shout-out!

Viet Dong, Number One!

As an update to my previous post, it turns out the other "hot currency" speculators are buying is the Vietnamese currency, the hilariously named dong. Investing in the dong seems a much safer investment than the dinar, as the Vietnamese economy is strong and attracting a lot of foreign investment (especially from the US, we love us some dong!). Additionally, there is a lot of worldwide pressure on the Vietnamese to revalue their currency to make it more in line with market realities, similar to the pressure on China. Seems everyone wants a piece of the dong, but only at the right price!

But, the best part about following the movement of the dong (besides being able to say 'movement of the dong') is the ability to have actual quotes like this: (from Bloomberg)

"The dong's weakness since mid-May was an attempt by the central bank to move the currency back to the center of its policy band, Hui wrote in a note to clients today. `Now that intra-band reposition has largely been completed, entry into long dong positions is more favorable.'

Asked to comment, a local Vietnamese economist said, "But, our dong is...so small!"

Will Iraq's Economy Improve? I Dinar.

Borrowed...

Any Way You Want It

Just read this excellent article/interview with David Chase today about the last Sopranos episode. Anyway, check it out, I think it's the best thing I've read yet about the ending and whatnot.

By the way, I've had "Don't Stop Believing" going through my head constantly for the past two days. It's causing me to lose sleep! Stupid Journey.

Don't Stop Believing

At approximately 10:02 PM last night, I stood up and cursed my TV, convinced that my stupid Comcast cable had cut out right as Tony Soprano was about to be whacked or the diner he and his family were in was about to be blown up. My little brother, who was over watching the Sopranos finale along with one of my tenants, had gotten up in the middle of the show to use the bathroom, and I had reluctantly relented in pausing the show while he did his business. As the DVR struggled with the rewind, I thanked him for possibly contributing to the cable's malfunction.

However, after rewinding and rewatching three times, it suddenly hit us - the abrupt and awkward cut to black was the actual ending of The Sopranos long-running series. It was very Andy Kauffman-esque; no doubt every other viewer had the same reaction as I did and thought their cable was broken at the worst possible moment.

My two fellow Sopranos watchers cursed at the TV, for a different reason this time, and left, utterly disappointed with the series ending.

I, however, thought it was great. Well, maybe not great, but not bad.

There was absolutely no way that David Chase could have ended this series without making some segment of his fans disgruntled. Tony's death would have felt forced and non-cathartic. Tony flipping and being Witness-Protected out to Arizona would have been a blatant Goodfellas ripoff. Tony losing those closest to him (Carmela, AJ, Meadow) would have left everyone with a bad feeling, and probably would have preceded one of the aforementioned subpar endings. A terrorist attack (which was my prediction for the finale, given the incessant hints dropped this season) would have been, frankly, stupid. And finally, Paulie selling Tony out would have been unrealistic, since Tony Sirico's contract specifically forbids that outcome.

So, in the end, although he did throw his viewers a major bone (Phil Leotardo's excellently gruesome death), he ended it the only way he could - by saying to all of us: "Use your imagination." It was his way of letting everyone have the ending that we feel is most appropriate for the characters we've followed for eight years.

Among the possibilities:
1.) One of the shady characters in the diner (by the way, most tense five minutes of television I've ever watched) offs Tony, his family, or everyone in the diner;
2.) Carlo rats Tony out, and he is indicted on his gun charge;
3.) Carmela gets breast cancer (I'm telling you - this was heavily alluded to early this season...);
4.) Meadow learns how to park a goddamn car (probably the most remote possibility);
5.) Tony flips and moves to Arizona;
6.) Nothing. Nothing happens at all. Things just continue on as they were, with all of the normal daily challenges and surprises.

Think of it as a Choose Your Own Adventure ending. It was the only way Chase could have ended the series without it being corny, stupid, or unrealistic. Ultimately, it was the best way to go out.

It was the only way to end a great season, and a great series. Arguably the best television show ever produced.

Now go get me some gobbagool...

-Here's the funniest thing Mad TV has ever put out:

Ode To Beard

Since around mid-February, the Disgruntled Investor has been sporting a full beard. Not like a Grizzly Adams beard, and nothing anywhere near as cool as the guy above, but a beard nonetheless.

I have mixed feelings on the beard, but no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to shave it off. It looks pretty good, and makes me look my age, rather than like a 12 year old boy, which is how I look without it. I actually grew the beard originally for that very reason; when I showed rooms to potential renters they always looked at me strangely, and usually asked: "So...you're the owner of the house??" I sensed a lack of respect and confidence in my landlording abilities, so I grew the beard. Immediately, I was able to rent out all of my rooms, and the rents started coming in on time, if not early. With the beard came the respect.

Another positive aspect of the beard is that the Disgruntled Girlfriend loves it. Can't get enough of it. I would think that kissing someone with a beard would be weird, like making out with a Sasquatch, but apparently the ladies like it. She's been a very vocal defender of the beard, which may have played a part in my continued beard-having. Most likely, she now doesn't feel like she's breaking any statutory laws by kissing me.

I keep mine pretty closely cropped, which requires a 10-15 minute "grooming session" every few days. It's not as thin and cropped as A.J. Soprano's "chin-strap" beard (which I'm not a big fan of), but there's no danger of birds nesting in it either. On those days that I'm not grooming, I just do a quick swipe of the electric razor around my cheek (to avoid the cheek-beard) and lower neck (to avoid the neck-beard), and overall that probably saves me about 5 minutes or so in the morning.

So, I'll probably keep it for a while longer, but probably not indefinitely. I spent a few months in Shanghai in the summer of 2002, and while there I grew my beard out as part of a pact with a buddy of mine (he didn't keep his side of the bargain - he claimed he was unable to grow his...). Anyway, one thing about Shanghai in the summer is it is one of the hottest and most humid places on Earth. We would play pick-up basketball games with some of the Chinese guys around the university we were staying at, and afterwards, I would furiously scratch my beard like a crack addict due to the sweat irritating my under-beard skin. Needless to say, I didn't keep that beard for too long, and I worry that Washington, DC's summer, which is not too different from Shanghai's, might cause me to do the same.

But for now, all hail the beard!

By the way, the picture above is from the World Beard and Moustache Championships. The link is for the United States WBMC team. Definitely check it out if you've got nothing to do - the gallery is one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

-Disgruntled A

In The Ghetto...

Wusup bitches!

Having lived in or near the Washington, DC area for about 12 years now, I've become quite aware of where not to go in the city at night - namely, New York Avenue and the SE/Anacostia area. Matter of fact, I wouldn't even go into Anacostia during the day if I could help it.

For those outside this area, SE/Anacostia is near where they are building the new Nationals baseball stadium, which should ultimately lead to a gentrification/cleaning up of the area to make it more tourist/$$$ friendly. I remember visiting the Chinatown area of DC back in the early 90's, and being absolutely terrified for my life the entire time. It was a really rough area, with drug deals openly going down in broad daylight as the police watched, uninterested. Now, thanks to the MCI/Verizon Center, Chinatown is one of the trendiest and safest areas in DC. Crazy.

Anyway, I've had two experiences, both accidental, in SE/Anacostia, both at nighttime. Both times involved thinking I was going somewhere else, and somehow finding myself deep in the poorly lit, highly dangerous ghetto.

The first time I had the pleasure of seeing the mean streets of DC a friend and I were heading up into DC to see Less Than Jake play at the 9:30 Club. I was 17 at the time, and this was my first time driving into DC. This was the early days of Mapquest, before they got at least some of the bugs worked out, and the directions were piss poor awful. My friend's little sister (who was about 14 or so) and her friend were in the backseat of my 1983 Toyota Tercel hatchback (I really had to fight off the ladies when I rolled up in that beauty...), and being big ska kids at the time, we were pretty stoked for the show. Mapquest glibly told us to take the exit off of 395 North that put us directly on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

(Quick word of advice: MLK, Jr. was a great man, and did a lot of good in this country. Unfortunately America's cities seem to name their most dangerous streets after him. I'd stay off of them if I were you.)

As we stared, wide-eyed and trembling, at the scene around us, we realized we were in the ghetto. Like Dr. Dre Compton ghetto. Drug deals were going down around us, guns were being openly displayed, and four skinny white kids from the suburbs in a shitty hatchback stuck out like...well...four skinny white kids from the suburbs in a shitty hatchback. Unfortunately, we couldn't figure out how to get off of this road. It's like we had entered an urban trap, and were doomed to spend the rest of the night fighting for survival. I got my Gat ready...

...until we saw V Street! The 9:30 Club is on the corner of 9th and V Streets, and Mapquest turned to me as if to say, "I told you so..." I rolled my eyes, and turned up the street, where we were immediately greeted with a blinding police spotlight shined on my car. Naivety in tow, I pulled up next to the cop thinking, hey, he can give us directions, right?

The cop came up to my window, and I preempted the conversation by telling him that we were lost, and just trying to get to the 9:30 Club. He wrinkled his brow and asked for my ID. Not thinking anything of it, I complied, and he noted that Fredericksburg, VA (where this trip began) was a long way away from where we now were. I chuckled and agreed. He asked me to get out of the car (to give me directions??). At about this time I noticed that a second squad car had pulled up in back of my car, and I was completely blocked in. The cop in the other car had gotten out and was shining a flashlight into my vehicle, which I thought was strange. Still, though, I didn't think anything was that unusual. It was the ghetto after all, and they were surely only trying to protect us.

My cop started saying how strange it was that we would end up here, on this street of all places, since it was the largest narcotics zone in DC. Hmm, I thought, that is strange, but when am I getting my directions. Then, my cop busts out this gem:

"Do you have any marijuana or weapons in your vehicle?"

It was about this time that I noticed that the other cop had gotten my friend out of the car and had slammed him up against the Tercel, patting him up and down in a blatant violation of his rights. I told my cop that of course I don't have anything in my car. He responded by asking where we had picked up the two girls in the backseat, and began to imply that we were major narcotics dealers. This was starting to go south rather quickly.

My cop snatched our ID's and went back to his squad car to look up our obviously long and illustrious criminal histories, while my friend seethed on the curb. I was starting to get irritated, not least of which because the show was starting. When my cop came back, clearly aware that he had made a mistake with us, the other cop had been going through my car (without my permission, I might add) and found a cigar I had in there. He picked it up, and my cop snidely asked, "Oh, so what, are you a connoisseur?" I gave him a smart-ass response, and he gave our ID's back.

"OK, here's what I'm going to do for you guys," he started, "Right now we don't have enough evidence to bring you in, so I'm going to let you go this time. But if we see you in this area again, that will be evidence enough to prosecute!"

As we looked incredulously at each other, he continued.

"You know, this used to be the largest narcotics zone in DC, but we're cracking down now, so be sure to tell all your friends!"

At this, my friend busted out laughing. It was a pretty stupid thing to say, and the cop looked sheepishly away. He wrote out directions to the club for us, and we sped off. Needless to say, we didn't enjoy the concert all that much. It took a couple years for my anger at DC to subside enough for me to even go back into the city.

The second time I ended up in Anacostia was when I offered to give two people a ride whose car had broken down outside my gym in Arlington. They said their house was right up the road, and pointed in back of the gym. What they meant was, right up the interstate, and into Anacostia, at 9PM, on a hot summer night. Summer in DC is kind of a festival time for crime. Sometimes I really can be a moron. Luckily I escaped that situation unscathed as well, but it reminds me of what Dave Chappelle says, that it's worse to be brought to the ghetto when you're not expecting it.

Anyway, here's Chappelle's ghetto bit from his DC show on HBO a couple years ago. Enjoy!