I'll Take A Hundred of Your Finest Diamonds, Please.

It's been a few days since I've posted anything, but, really, there hasn't been anything interesting to post. And, the last thing I want to do is bore my two readers.

However, I logged on to CNN.com today, and this was the screenshot that immediately popped up. Note the diamond ad on the right.



I'm pretty sure that's two attractive females making out. Now that's marketing!

In other news, Tom Cruise is building an underground bunker for when "deposed galactic ruler" Xenu attacks the Earth.

Fed Lowers Key Rate 1/2 Point

So I'm expecting buyers to start lining up to bid on my house(s) at approximately 6 AM this Saturday. That's the only logical outcome, right?

In other (related) news, as a further example of things that can only happen to me - one of my tenants at the first house caught a pan on fire (grease fire), and decided to take it outside. Not a terrible idea, but he laid the pan down on the RELATIVELY NEW HARDWOOD FLOOR in the foyer in order to open the front door. I hope to have a picture to put up of the "Ring of Fire" that's now on the floor. It's pan-size.

Gee!!!

Way To Keep An Open Mind, Barry (P.S. Your Music Sucks)

P.P.S. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is an attractive female.


From TMZ.com:

Barry to Elisabeth: Your "View" is Dangerous

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that it's not Barry who's writing this song -- in fact, "View" producers pulled the plug on Manilow's performance when his people demanded that he appear on the show without Elisabeth. Manilow has in fact performed on the show twice before -- both last year -- when Hasselbeck's been co-hosting.

TMZ has learned that legendary singer Barry Manilow has pulled out of his scheduled appearance on "The View" tomorrow -- because he strongly disagrees with host Elisabeth Hasselbeck's conservative view! Paging Rosie O'Donnell!

In an exclusive statement to TMZ, Barry says, "I strongly disagree with her views. I think she's dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage with her."

Update

In case any of you wanted an update on my real estate situation, here it is:

(sound of crickets chirping)

Ok, basically the markets gone up slightly in the neighborhood of the house I tried to sell earlier this year, and down slightly in the neighborhood of the house I tried to sell last year. This is actually alright, since I'd rather get rid of the house I tried to sell this year anyway.

Mortgage rates are dropping, and the hot rumor (or rumour) is that Bernanke is going to drop the federal funds rate this month, which would obviously lower the mortgage rates even more and, hopefully, inspire some kind of confidence in a rebound.

But, other than that, things still suck, and I'm still just waiting. Stupid real estate.

100

In terms of overall hipness, I would rate myself somewhere between Danny Tanner and Mr. Bean. That is to say, not very.

No one who knows me personally would disagree with this contention, but I am trying to keep up with the kids these days. I'm trying to you tubes, listening to eye pods (actually no I'm not, more on this in a bit), and think that these Seinfeld guys might be on to something.

In all seriousness, though, occasionally I'll come across some show (ex. Lost), band (ex. Spoon), or idea (ex. real estate investing) that everyone else had already caught onto years before. Often, the thing has already run its course in the national psyche, and I'm too late (coughrealestateinvestingcough).

Typical conversation:

Me: Holy crap, I just came across this Michael Jackson album, Thriller - dude how did I not know about this? This guy's gonna be hot!!

Guy at Bus Stop: ......(walks across street)

[Quick side note: According to Wikipedia, in 1982 Michael Jackson recorded a storybook version of ET: The Extra-Terrestrial, which featured him reading the book and also performing a song called "Someone In The Dark." Yikes. This album went on to win a Grammy for, "Best Album for Children." Double Yikes.]

Anyway, I note this because I just came across this band, Feist, which is I guess the solo project of a Canadian chick named Leslie Feist, who's been in several indie bands. How I came across her is that Apple Ipod commercial for the new Nanos, where as her video for "1234" is playing, someone keeps replacing the Nanos with different color Nanos. Now, for some unexplainable reason, I have this disdain for all things Apple. I don't own a Mac, an IPhone (totally unnecessary, and fuck having to switch to Cingular), or an IPod (I have the Dell knockoff!!) Maybe I don't like their business practices, their pricing practices, Steve Jobs, or their normally slam my head in the wall annoying ads. Maybe it's because I kept starving or getting dysentery on Oregon Trail on the Macs in our computer lab in 4th grade. Whatever the reason, with the exception of their superiority in computer graphic design and movie-making, I see no reason to buy an Apple product. Anyway.

So, Feist. That "1234" song is definitely catchy, and Feist herself seemed pretty girl-next-door sexy, so I decided to check them out. Gotta say, I'm a big fan. I'm aware that 99.99% of the rest of the world probably knows who they are, but (see above), I'm just now catching on.

Here's the "1234" video (sans Nano), which is pretty awesome. Not funny, just awesome. And catchy.



Also, check out their Letterman performance here, and their Jimmy Kimmel performance here (on a bus!!) Turns out they're good live too!

That's Not Stuff, Meredith...

So it's Wednesday, and with my 99th Disgruntled Post, I am putting up a video of this commercial, which for some reason (can't explain why) is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. In it, a Kelsey Grammer look-alike explains to a Matthew McConaughey look-alike that, given time, his Oreo Pizza moustache will grow to be as full as his. Is this the best commercial I've ever seen? I think so...I know so.

Please Hammer, Don't Disgruntle Them...

Last Thursday, at approximately 9:02 PM, I gave M.C. Hammer a pat on the back.

I had been checking out the Washington Post online, scrolling past their "news" ("Sen. Larry Craig blows a hyena in the high desert of Idaho") to get to the Sports section (which is very good). As I clicked on the Sports section, I caught a quick glimpse of a picture on the left hand side of M.C. Hammer, under the "City Guide - Going Out Guide" section. Confused, intrigued, and convinced I read it wrong, I clicked back on my browser, and clicked on the City Guide.

"M.C. Hammer, still Too Legit To Quit, in a FREE show at the Woodrow Wilson Center"

Holy shit! M.C. Hammer?!?! FREE?!?!?!

(Now understand - it was the combination of those two things that made me excited. While I had once paid $35 to see Vanilla Ice at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, I'm not sure I'd shell that out for the Rev. Hammer.)

I called the Disgruntled Girlfriend, who exclaimed, "That's awesome!" Apparently, I didn't need to ask her thoughts on going. She also mused, "I wonder what kind of people are going to show up to this thing. Probably 1/3 hardcore fans, 1/3 people like us going for the nostalgia/kitch factor, and 1/3 religious fanatics hoping he plays nothing but gospel." That was a good point - we couldn't figure out if M.C Hammer or Rev. Hammer was going to show up.

So we arrived at the show, which was held outdoors, about an hour early. Our thought was, I mean, it's M.C. FUCKING HAMMER, so it'll get real packed real quick.

Then we saw that we were one of about 10 people there. So we went across the street and grabbed a couple of beers.

By the time we got back, it had picked up a bit, but was still sparser than I thought. I began to think, "Damn, this is really embarassing for the man who married Corey Feldman to his current wife." But the square soon filled up nicely with people, and my worries proved unfounded.

After a strange African-American Spice Girls opening act, and after an unfortunately long delay (during which time some shitty DJ from WPGC named "Shaq in the Pack" apparently thought we were all there to see him), the man, the legend, the Hammer came out on stage. He was looking gangsta-hard (think "The Funky Headhunters").




He kicked out all the classics (it was M.C., not Rev. Hammer, in action): Too Legit, Pumps and a Bump (the second song he did!!), Can't Touch This, Pray, Oaktown, and some old school Hammer tracks from his first album like Turn This Mutha Out. He did the Hammer dance, and he and his backup dancers showed they still had the same early 90's moves that made him famous. At one point (before "Pray"), he devised a solution to the Middle East crisis ("You've got to pray, just to end all the socioeconomic concerns and fanatical Islamic rhetoric that is fueling a general hatred of the West and leading to suicide bombings, homicide bombings, and a general instability in the region...today.") He did not wear "Hammer pants," but they were relatively baggy and gave much the same effect. And we were like 10 feet away from him. Awesome.



Finally, he ended his show by coming out into the audience. It was at this point that two things happened:

1.) I forgot to turn my flash back on my camera, leading to several blurry pictures of Hammer 2 inches in front of me;

2.) I patted Hammer on his sweaty back.

It's not often that something comes along that is so monumentally can't miss that you...well...can't miss it. The free M.C. Hammer show last Thursday was just such an event. Surreal, high-energy, and too legit to quit. Here comes the Hammer.



(By the way, if these pictures come out dark on your computer, just adjust the brightness - it looks great on my home computer, not great on my work computer. Trust me, it's worth it to see Gangsta Hammer in action.)

Sigh...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, way to Groh, Al. How much longer do we have to suffer through this coaching staff? Despite having had the privilege of NFL talent like Matt Schaub, Thomas Jones, Patrick Kearney, and Heath Miller, the best we've done is the goddamn Continental Tire Bowl.

But this is too much.

23-3 to fucking Wyoming??

"I just felt dead," Virginia QB Jameel Sewell said, describing how he felt during the game.

That's great, but it more accurately describes Virginia fans since George ("I must punt on 4th and inches in enemy territory") Welsh departed. But we're a basketball school now, right? Right?

But still, it could have been worse, I suppose.

Asian People Can Shoot Fire Out Of Their Hands, And Fly Also

You know how when you look back at old science fiction books and movies, a lot of the things they predicted came true (like, for example, apes taking over the planet)? Well, now every kung fu movie ever made has just been realized.

I present to you, the greatest news story I have ever read.

China kung fu monks seek apology for ninja affront

(From Yahoo!)
BEIJING (Reuters) - China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday.

Shaolin Temple, in the northern province of Henan, became famous in the West as the training ground for Kwai Chang "Grasshopper" Caine in the 1970s "Kung Fu" TV series.

Ninjas -- professional assassins trained in martial arts -- date back to mediaeval Japan.

"The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.

Relations between Chinese and Japanese are sensitive at the best of times, with emotions still running high over Japan's invasion and occupation of parts of China in the first half of the 20th Century.

The Internet user, calling themselves "Five Minutes Every Day", said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to Shaolin, asked for a fight and many monks failed to beat him, the newspaper said.

"The facts that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain," the Internet user was quoted as saying in the post.

The Shaolin temple "strongly condemned the horrible deeds" of the user, the newspaper said.

"It is not only extremely irresponsible behaviour with respect to the Shaolin temple and its monks, but also to the whole martial art and Chinese nation," it quoted the monks as saying.

Note To Travel Writing Execs - Hire Me As A Travel Writer

Portland, Oregon is a city of contrasts.

Just kidding, I would never actually write something that trite. I think it's pretty lazy when a travel writer uses that phrase to describe a city. To be honest with you, I don't even know what "city of contrasts" means - probably nothing. Anyway, this is how I'm actually starting this blog entry...

After wandering around Portland proper for a couple of hours, I began to notice something slightly unusual. Or rather, not notice something. I had not seen a single police car or cop anywhere. (I was informed later by my friend Matt that Portland cops seem to follow him everywhere - possibly due to his Bush '04 bumper sticker.) I also noticed that every street corner boasted its own "shanty-town" of part of the city's disproportionately large homeless population. I noted to myself that these two things are probably not mutually exclusive.

However, these aren't your DC-variety "stabbing hobos," but rather something more akin to the 60's Haight-Ashbury transient population. People who, I was told on occasion while in the city, "wanted to be homeless." While I can't attest to that, they did seem more pleasant than what I've encountered here, and Portland is definitely the kind of weird (and relatively inexpensive) city where a housing-challenged individual could live pretty decently. There were a lot of people my age among that group, interestingly enough. Perhaps fellow real estate investors?

Anyway, after joining me for a snack at Voodoo Doughnut near Chinatown, where I had the "Blood-Filled Voodoo Doll" (see menu here - they were out of the Bacon-Maple Donut, otherwise I would have gotten it), the Disgruntled Girlfriend left me to my own devices in the city while she and her fellow bridesmaids received a manicure and pedicure in preparation for the next day's wedding. Having already fulfilled part of Anthony Bourdain's travel guide for the city with the donut excursion (incidently, here's a picture of the DG and I's awesome donuts - she had one with rice krispies and peanuts on top, I think)...



...I quickly made my way up the street to Old Town Pizza, the haunted local pizzeria where unsuspecting patrons used to get "Shanghaied" through a trap door and enslaved aboard merchant ships back in the 1800's. Yarrrrrr!!!! Avast ye mateys!!! I had a prosciutto pizza which was great (and advertised as being for 1-2 people - usually I am at least 2 people but even I could not finish the oversized personal pizza!), and two pints of one of the local microbrews - Widmer Hefeweizen. Sufficiently buzzed on beer (at least temporarily), I made my way to the Portland Classical Chinese Garden, to get sufficiently buzzed on caffeinated oolong tea. I'm a pretty big tea snob, and this stuff was fantastic - it was called Royal Phoenix, I think. Truly a tea of contrasts.

But Portland's not all hobos, pirates, and Chinese people - there's a lot of alcohol to be drank (drunk? drunken? dranken?) as well, and, we were just the drinkers to drink (drank?) it. The wedding reception itself was held at McMenniman's. McMenniman's has about 50 hotel/pubs in the area, all consisting of old buildings (schools, hotels, theaters, funeral parlors, etc.) that they converted into brewpubs or hotel/pubs. This particular one used to be the Kennedy School, and the reception was held in the gymnasium (we were staying in Mrs. Drew's Room - she was evidently a math teacher in that room). The hallways are lined with pictures of kids that went to this school in the early 1900's, and has kind of an eerie, ghostly feel to it, leading to the following exchange:

Disgruntled Investor: I bet this place is crazy haunted.

Disgruntled Girlfriend: It was a school, it's not like people died here!

Disgruntled Investor: You don't know that!

Having won that argument, we settled down to our complimentary booze - McMenniman's Ruby Red Ale, Hammerhead I.P.A., and their Edgefield Wines. At some point in the night (according to photographic evidence), I apparently had some of their distilled bourbon as well. Now, if I hate anything, it's to dance, but evidently I decided to do the Hammer dance ("Can't Touch This"), and probably kicked ass at it. Here's me breaking it down - note the spilled alcohol on my pants...


The previous day, we had gone to the rehearsal dinner at a Portland sports pub called On Deck Sports Bar and Grill. They had great food and tasty beer and all, but what set this place apart was its unlimited free use of their Nintendo Wii. Once drunken DI found this, he and the matron-of-honor played Wii Bowling the rest of the night. It was sweet, even though I lost every game. The DI is left-handed, and that's the excuse he will use for that (and golf). Dammit.

After On Deck, the DG and I (and the matron-of-honor and her husband) decided to pull another Bourdain and go out for some late night sushi and sake, at the Saucebox - a trendy Pan-Asian restaurant/bar. The DG and I split a giant bottle of awesome unfiltered sake, and several plates of various sushi platters. Besides a buzzed, wildly gesticulating DG accidently knocking the top half of her glass off the stem (leaving the stem unmoved - pretty amazing magic trick), luck pretty much fell on our side, as two misdirected plates of sushi ended up at our table, which we ate without having to pay for. Also, no sales tax in Oregon meant our total bill was about a quarter of what it would have been back here in D.C.

Our final day there, the DG and her parents and I went out to Multnomah Falls, the second largest continually open falls in the United States, and followed that by watching the kite surfers out on the Columbia River. These guys were clearly having a good time out there, and the DG strongly intimated that this was an activity for her. Here's a picture of one of these guys in action...


We finished up our trip with a visit to Jake's Famous Crawfish , a 110 year old McCormick and Schmidt-owned restaurant specializing in local seafood. Though a bit pricey (think McCormick and Schmidt...), it's completely worth it, as this was the best seafood I've ever had in my entire life. The top of the menu lists the local fresh catches of the day, so you can literally order something (ed. note: apologies to the Blogadier General and the Disgruntled Vegetarian here) that was happily swimming along earlier that day. Believe me when I say that that makes a huge difference in taste, as you don't get that thawed-out taste you might elsewhere. I had the Ling Cod (cilantro-lime seared) and Netarts Bay (Oregon) oysters on the half-shell, with a local Pinot Noir - all Oregon-based. The Ling Cod was a recommendation from the DG's dad, and was incredibly succulent. The oysters were so good I almost ordered them again for dessert. God those were fucking awesome oysters.

You know what, I rescind the apologies to the Blog. Gen. and the DV. They're missing out by not eating things like this. Sorry guys. The fish and oysters' personalities surely made the difference in their orgasmic taste. You can't "Boca" that.

Anyway, to sum up, like Seattle before it, I didn't want to like Portland. I've lived on the East Coast my whole life, and am strongly partial to it. It's an incredibly liberal place with a lot of tree-huggers. But dammit, Portland is pretty awesome. I could definitely live out there (maybe will someday). Shit, could the DG be right about the West Coast being the "best coast"?

Nah, but I'd still move to Portland. I could be a hobo, or pirate. Or Chinese person.

-Disgruntled A

Barbaric!!

Here it is, your moment of Disgruntled...



The Disgruntled Investor is off to Portland (Oregon) for the 47895235th wedding this year. I go for the free booze, and I stay for the...free booze. I'll be back next Wednesday, see you bitches then.

In the meantime, why not pick up a hobby, or a sport?

Nerd Alert!

Article stolen (perhaps temporarily)...

Sincerely, management

Man

There are definitely some days when the anxiety attacks hit full force.

I had a nightmare last night that my second house had fallen into a major state of disrepair and was quite dissheveled due to the laziness of my tenants. I was over there for some reason, and I walked up the stairs, only to find that one of the guys who recently moved out was back and playing an arcade-sized Pac-Man installed on the stairwell. This, I was promised, would raise my already high electric bills through the roof. Great. He then noted that the ripped up carpet upstairs wasn't his fault, but rather was due to a wrestling match the guy in the loft (incidently, the cleanest of the tenants in real life) and the girl in the second bedroom (in reality, there is no girl in the second bedroom, that I know of) had recently been involved in. I went upstairs, shaking my head, where I was greeted with the guy in the loft telling me - "She pinned me, it was her fault, I'm not paying." The girl responded, "I don't even live here!" Needless to say, I would be footing the bill(s).

I woke up, chest heaving, with the sudden urge to start yelling, "ANXIETY ATTACK ANXIETY ATTACK!!" But, that would have been pretty ridiculous.

Yesterday, the Washington Post had an article that, except for the live-in vs. investing difference, describes my real estate experiences almost perfectly. Here is the link to it, it's a good piece, one that I think speaks to the pessimism I'm trying to force out of my mind.

Bernanke is getting praised by the market for the Fed's sudden decision to lower the discount rate, but blasted by economics academics - the group Bernanke came out of - for giving in to the market. I'm not sure which one is right, but they need to lower the Federal Funds rate, which would hopefully push mortgage rates down and send buyers swarming towards my houses.

Fucking real estate, fucking bad karma.

I feel like a beer in a bear festival.

Beer Eats Man

I'm working a 10-hour day today (and for the rest of the week), so when I first saw this story on CNN, I thought the headline was "Beers Eat Man At Beer Festival." I was thinking it must have been some kind of nasty beer. Like Natural Light. Or Beast.

But, it's not "beer" it's "bear". At a beer festival. A bear at a beer festival.

Bears eat man at beer festival

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

Paying Mortgages

From The Onion...try to guess which strategy I'm currently employing!