President Awesome Beard and Vice President Mutton Chops

As anyone who follows media coverage of the presidential primaries knows, Mike "Gomer Pyle" Huckabee and Barack "Osama" Obama (alternative nickname, "Dumbo Ears") have secured the Republican and Democratic Party nominations, respectively. This is because Iowa holds all of the necessary party delegates, as evidenced by the large amount of coverage given to such a usually uninfluential state. How did Iowa and New Hampshire, the two most irrelevant states in the United States, get to decide the major parties' nominees? Who knows, but that's the way it is, so you have to suck it up, bitch.

Anyway, so the Disgruntled Investor is disappointed in the two choices we have for president, as he is every year. Even if Michael Bloomberg decides to run, that still won't reverse the fact that the single most important factor in a successful presidency has been missing for about 100 years:

Awesome facial hair.

The only candidate right now who even comes close is Alan Keyes, with a pretty good black man moustache, but it's hardly a consolation to those of us who appreciate a good beard. I'd even settle for some good mid-19th century mutton chops at this point, but, alas, as the Disgruntled Girlfriend tells me, facial hair is out. That's funny, because that's not what she told me earlier...

To prove my point, here are some of the best beards or facial hair on the best U.S. Presidents (who, by definition, are judged by the hair on their faces):

1.) 1880 - Best Hairy Ticket Award - James Garfield (Pres.)/ Chester A. Arthur (VP)


If there was a facial hair Hall of Fame, there would be a bronze statue of Chester A. Arthur outside. I mean, take a look at that incredible mutton chop sideburn stache! Just stellar. In 1880, Arthur ran as the running mate to James Garfield, who had spent many years growing the kind of beard that you would expect a bird to be living in. This beard style enjoyed a brief resurgence following its appearance as Kevin McAllister's weird neighbor in the first "Home Alone."

2.) The Beard That Won The War Award - Ulysses S. Grant, 1868-1877


Some might argue that President Grant's administration was among the most corrupt and scandalous in United States history, but I say the only scandal is that he wasn't allowed to continue his Presidency for the rest of his natural life...and beyond. Grant had a solid beard, with really good coverage. I bring this up because certain friends of mine have problems growing beards. Not that it stops them at all, but when they do try to grow it in, it ends up patchy in certain areas, and they end up looking like lepers or homeless people. Actually, most homeless guys I see have pretty stellar beards as well, so scratch that comparison.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Grant had a really good beard. And he won the Civil War. What did you ever do with your life?

3.) The Rutherford B. Hayes Beard Award...

...Goes to (opening envelope) - RUTHERFORD B. HAYES!!


4.) The *Asterisk* Best Beard Award - Abraham Lincoln - 1860-1865

See, this is why Abe gets an *asterisk, much like Barry Bonds' home run ball. When he ran for (and won) the presidency in 1860, he looked like this. Nothing impressive about that at all, which is, of course, why the South seceded. And why the North was losing the shit out of the Civil War early on. Who can get inspired by that naked weak chin?? (Not that Jefferson Davis had much going on either, to be fair, but at least he looked like Skeletor, and had a little hipster goatee!)

No, the Lincoln Presidency didn't really define itself until he started getting the now recognizable scraggly beard that defined his overall mental patient appearance.

That beard saved the nation. Should be a lesson to all.

5.) Finally, the Last Beard Award - Benjamin Harrison - 1888

No, that's not Colonel Sanders, that's our last bearded President, Benjamin Harrison, who was famous for something called the McKinley Tariff. And, evidently, for killing off the prestige of the beard. Maybe he shouldn't get an award.

-Honorary Still Holding On Award - William Henry Taft - 1908

Taft was our last President with facial hair...OF ANY KIND! He's got a really good Wild West villain moustache, which gets him this honorary award. Plus, he was our fattest President, which is pretty great as well.

But, seriously, it's been 100 years since facial hair went out of style on Presidents?!?!? Unacceptable, especially since it hasn't gone out of style with us commoners. I, for one, long for the golden age of the mid to late 1800's, when our Presidents were hairy and Congressmen beat the shit out of each other with their walking canes.

Now it looks like our best hope for a President with facial hair is Hillary!