Of Course He Is

This is an absolutely true story.

I woke up this morning with three things on my mind - one, I had to take the Disgruntled Dog to Petsmart for a bath/groom so her smell would stop making small children cry; two, I had two showings for the loft room in the place I failed to sell last summer; three, the Disgruntled Girlfriend and I had a wine tasting party to attend later tonight. Everything seemed in order...

...until about 8 AM, when the Disgruntled Girlfriend awoke to take the Disgruntled Dog out before she went to the gym for her morning workout. Upon opening the door, she discovered that when the Disgruntled Dog came upstairs this morning at 6 AM, scratching at the door, it was to let us know that she had just taken a giant dump outside our room. She followed this up by puking twice downstairs.

We cleaned this mess up, and after taking the Disgruntled Dog to Petsmart at 10 AM, I came home and got myself ready for the day - showering, shaving, and shitting (the three sh's, as I like to call them). I came out, put my clothes on, and picked up my cell phone only to discover that one of my tenants (in the place I am planning on trying to sell this spring) had called and left a message. I've gotten to the point where I dread everytime they call, but, reluctantly, I listened to the message, which was a simple request to call him back. I did.

Here's where things started to get weird.

Tenant A told me that he and Tenant B had had just about enough of Tenant C, who was the newest addition to the house. Besides his being a night-owl, and a noisy one at that, he was despicably filthy. He never took his trash out, he haphazardly cleaned the dishes, and, most disturbingly, he had recently taken a dump in the toilet in the bathroom that he shares with Tenant A, and evidently had managed to smear his defecation on the seat - leaving it there for who knows who to clean up. It appeared that Tenant C and the Disgruntled Dog had something in common. Tenant A let me know that he was considering looking for another place, as was Tenant B. He also informed me that he thought that Tenant C had "MTV" or something. I didn't know what MTV was, but I apologized for his antics, since he seemed perfectly normal to me when I interviewed him. I let him know that the two options we had were for me to call Tenant C and get him to shape up, or, since he's on a month-month lease, I could kick him the hell out. He said he'd talk it over with Tenant B and get back to me.

I had two great showings over at my first place, and picked the Disgruntled Dog up from Petsmart. She looked (and more importantly smelled) great. When I arrived home, the Disgruntled Girlfriend suggested that we go out for sushi for lunch, but stop at our favorite wine shop beforehand for a wine tasting. I'm always up for wine tastings, so I heartily agreed.

We got to the wine shop (called the Curious Grape, by the way, it's a top-notch wine shop), and what to my wandering eyes did appear, but Tenant A and his girlfriend, in line for the tasting. After exchanging greetings and joining them for the tasting, I asked him if he had talked to Tenant B yet regarding his Phantom Shitter roomate. He replied that he hadn't, and further expanded on Tenant C's..."issues."

Here's where things got REALLY weird.

Tenant A told me that he thought Tenant C had Multiple Personality Disorder (or MPD, aka "MTV" - stupid cellphone). I said, "You're shitting me?" He said, "No." (ed. note - that's what the toilet said to Tenant C, hey-oh!) Since they share a bathroom, which is right next to Tenant A's room, Tenant A had noticed strange sounds coming from the bathroom whenever Tenant C was in it. He talked to himself on the toilet (and at the dinner table), and when he showered, Tenant A could clearly hear "a masculine voice and a submissive voice" (his words). His girlfriend suggested that maybe he was taking a shower with another guy. Tenant A said he hoped not, but didn't think that was the case. Personally, I was praying for this guy to be gay, so I didn't have to deal with "Me, Myself, and Irene."

So, anyway, now I have a filthy, disgusting, possibly one-in-a-million insane tenant in the place.

But here's the kicker: THIS GUY IS NOW THE SECOND MENTALLY DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL IN THAT PLACE IN ONE YEAR'S TIME. For those who don't know what I mean, read some of the earlier posts.

I mean, seriously, what are the fucking odds?!?!?!

Talk about a black cloud over my disgruntled head!