Joke

Head goes to the bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

So much for the Disgruntled Girlfriend and I moving to China!!

By the way, this is also the official policy in the Disgruntled Household...

"Women's town" to put men in their place

BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese tourism authorities are seeking investment to build a novel concept attraction -- the world's first "women's town," where men get punished for disobedience, an official said Thursday.

The 2.3-square-km Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing municipality, also known as "women's town," was based on the local traditional concept of "women rule and men obey," a tourism official told Reuters.

"Traditional women dominate and men have to be obedient in the areas of Sichuan province and Chongqing, and now we are using it as an idea to attract tourists and boost tourism," the official, surname Li, said by telephone.

The tourism bureau planned to invest between 200 million yuan ($26 million) and 300 million yuan in infrastructure, roads and buildings, Li said.

"We welcome investors from overseas and nationwide to invest in our project," he added.

The motto of the new town would be "women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women's requests," Chinese media have reported.

When tour groups enter the town, female tourists would play the dominant role when shopping or choosing a place to stay, and a disobedient man would be punished by "kneeling on an uneven board" or washing dishes in restaurant, media reports said.

The project, begun in the end of 2005, was expected to take three to five years to finish.

And oh yeah, how the house sale is doing...

I guess since this is a disgruntled investor site, and since you've already enjoyed the fine comedy stylings of Mr. Jim Gaffigan (if you haven't scroll down), I should go ahead and update my readers (reader) on how my "sure thing" house investment is doing.

The house has now been up for sale for 15 days, and has had one open house, and beyond that a lot of foot traffic. General consensus from the people who have come by to see the place - great place, but there's this other place in the same neighborhood that's significantly cheaper...

The main problem I'm dealing with (and in fact dealt with during my last unsuccessful sales attempt) is that the people who have their homes up for sale now have owned said homes for several years. This means that if they sell their house for, say, $430,000, it may be below "market," but since they paid half that for it originally, they're still making a killing on it. Since I've only had my place for a year, I'm at a marked disadvantage in this respect, since unfortunately I can only do so much to my place to make someone want to pay $40K more for it.

So, I'm left with this dilemma - lower the price and take a loss right off the bat, or take it off the market, re-rent it, and hope the market picks up sharply rather quickly, since I'd be losing several hundred dollars a month due to my inability to get a high enough rent on each room to cover the mortgage. Yeah, it was a bad investment, I know.

The first option, although it sucks, is arguably the better of the two, since not only would I be rid of the damn spot, but also the market could very well have peaked for several years, and meanwhile I can't keep bleeding money every month.

As such, I've lowered the price to a "more reasonable" $458,000. Will I get that? Who knows, but maybe at least it'll get these agents and their clients to start offering up contracts of some kind. I'm doing another open house this weekend, and a buddy of mine is pimping the place out to an investor friend of his, which, obviously would be the best possible outcome. So, we'll see, and I'll keep updating as it goes along.

The tenant I have in there has surprisingly kept the place up quite well, I have to say. So, there's one positive.

The lesson learned in all of this: I bought the first place at a reasonable price - perhaps a tad higher than I should have gone, but low enough to be able to break even when rented out. The three guys I have in there right now are stellar, and have no immediate plans to move out soon. In buying a place as a rental property, this is about as good as I could have done in the area. The second place was a complete mistake, because I should have figured out that I couldn't have gotten sufficient rent on it to cover the mortgage. But, mostly, the biggest lesson I've learned is that before delving into real estate purchases such as these, I should have decided whether I wanted a fix and flip property or a rental property. I bought both of these places as fix and flip properties, then treated them as rental properties. Therein lies the problem.

On a completely unrelated note, as I'm typing this, I'm listening to Miles Davis's - "Aura" album, which represented his New Agey 1980's collaboration with a Danish composer and "big band" setup. Gotta say, I may be the biggest Miles fan around, but this is damn near unlistenable. His playing is superb as always, but it's unfortunately overshadowed by laughable drum machine "beats," synthesized bass playing that sounds like the beginning to a bad porn (are there really any bad porns??), and further synthesized synthesizers and guitars that sound like a nightmare. Evidently, this musical suite was written by this Danish composer as a tribute to Miles Davis, similar to how The Allman Brothers' "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" was intended as an homage to Miles. The album won a Grammy apparently, but, of course, that doesn't really mean anything. Again, I love the guy, but he sure got weird as shit in the early 80's. His late 80's hip-hop album, Doo-Bop, kicks ass, though.

Hot Pocket

I recently (about 20 minutes ago) sat down to a fine lunch of microwaved Hot Pocket. I enjoyed the "Beef Taco" flavor today. It was pretty fantastic, as always.

Anyway, while I was waiting for the miniature chef inside the microwave to finish preparing my pastry treat, I glanced at the Hot Pocket box, and noticed something peculiar. In the upper right-hand corner, the box noted that Hot Pockets have 0 grams trans fat per serving. Then, in the lower left-hand corner, the box bragged about the "8 Essential Vitamins and Minerals: Includes Excellent Source of Calcium (emphasized by a box with a check mark in it to indicate that, yes, in fact, Hot Pockets do have calcium) and Excellent Source of Protein (ditto with the checked box)." Quickly flipping to the back of the box, I saw that the box had declared Hot Pockets to be "Balance on-the-go...There's more to Hot Pockets than great taste. Each of our 26 delicious varieties provide the calcium, protein, iron, and fiber [emphasis theirs] you can use when you're on the go." Hmmm...so Hot Pockets is now claiming to be a health food.

This, despite the "Nutrition Facts" helpfully forced onto the box by the FDA or USDA or something, which appears to contradict the healthiness of Hot Pockets by noting that each Hot Pocket you eat (and who among us can eat just one?) provides a third of your daily saturated fat allowance, over a third of your daily sodium allowance, and 11% of your daily cholesterol allowance.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you - I love to eat Hot Pockets. I've been enjoying Hot Pockets ever since they were introduced back in the early 80's (yes, they have been around that long, as Rosie O'Douchebag says - "Google It!") with the Ham 'n' Cheese or Pepperoni Pizza flavors being personal favorites. From the time I began eating them (again, early 80's) to about 30 minutes ago, I never once ate them with the assumption that I was doing my heart (or any other vital organ) any favors by eating them. But, apparently I was wrong - 8 essential vitamins (actually, the nutrition facts lists 9 vitamins - what, riboflavin's not "essential" anymore?!?!)

So why in the hell am I writing about Hot Pockets and my "discovery"??? Just as an excuse to play this:

Market Shmarket

So, time for a quick update on my house, which has now been on the market for 11 days.

To begin on a positive note, I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised with the foot traffic the place is getting. The house sees at least one showing a day, usually two, despite bad weather and a lack of a sign in the front of the house (there's one in the back, but I have been assured by my realtor that one will be in the front by today - sigh...). April is definitely the month to put a house on the market, and I will probably use this as a template when I relist the OTHER house (the one I couldn't sell last year) in 2008.

Now to the negatives - the house for sale 3 doors down from mine is STILL FOR SALE. And the price is still $45K less than mine. People really seem to like my place when they come by to see it, but the 500 lb gorilla in the room is still that other place. After my open house this past weekend, my realtor suggested (after the house had been on the market for 6 days, I might add) that maybe I should think about lowering the price on the place. Something like in the $450's, he suggested. Doesn't exactly exude confidence, huh?

Anyway, we're supposed to have spectacular weather this weekend, so I'm sure buyers will be out looking in droves. If nothing happens this weekend, then, fuck it, I'm lowering the price. I'm more interested in selling quickly than profitably, even if it causes me to be "upside-down" on my mortgage, which is almost a definite sure thing at this point.

The Washington Post today had a great article that sums up my situation better than I ever could. Here's the article. I'll likely have to refinance my other place to cover the loss. Faaaantastic. Real estate fever - CATCH IT!!

The Most Random Spoiler Ever

In the past couple weeks, I've made two major life decisions. One is to attempt to read most of the great classic pieces of literature that I've somehow, in my previous English classes and personal reading, missed. I read quite a bit, or like to think I do, but am constantly surprised at what I have not read. For example, Hemingway's "Old Man and the Sea." Yup, haven't read that one. Homer's "Iliad" and "Odyssey." Steinbeck's "Travels with Charley." Ayn Rand's humanist works, "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." Dom Delillo's "Underworld." F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby." Some of these are, admittedly, ambitious undertakings, but I have them, and others, on my new reading list that I hope will take me through the rest of the year.

The second decision I've made is to stop buying books and instead use a curious local resource I just found out about called a "library." Since I'm mere months (if not weeks) away from complete financial ruin, this is but one way to tighten the belt a bit. Don't cry for me, Arlington.

Anyway, as I mentioned above, I have not read "The Great Gatsby." It's been described as "The Great American Novel," and is supposed to be a bit of a chore to read. Still, I was somewhat looking forward to the challenge, as I'm sure there are modern cultural references and sayings that were born out of this book.

Yesterday, I mentioned this list, and specifically Gatsby, to the Disgruntled Girlfriend. The exchange went something like this:

DG: You never read that, not even in school?
DI: Nope. I've heard it's a bit dull, what did you think about it?
DG: Well, it's not my favorite Fitzgerald book. It's alright, it is kind of heavy, though, but basically just a book about a guy who tries to hide who he is but ends up dying in the end.
DI: .......
DG: Oh. You didn't know that he dies?
DI: Well, I do now. Guess I don't have to read The Great Gatsby anymore!

As the Disgruntled Girlfriend apologized profusely, I began to realize something. If someone had revealed the ending of The Great Gatsby to me even a month earlier, I would have been like, "The Great Gatsby? I've heard it's not that 'great'."

I'm pretty sure that getting upset over having the ending of The Great Gatsby spoiled for you is Question #3 of the "Are You Gay?" survey.

"I don't even know why the scientists make them!"

Back in the heydey of Saturday Night Live (the early 90's, for me anyway), SNL used to have hilarious commercial parodies (see The Blogadier General's site for "Schlitz Gay" for one). My favorite one was a commercial for Old Glory Insurance, which protected anyone over the age of 50 from robot attacks (albeit with "limited benefits in first two years"). Since robots eat the elderly's medicine for fuel, they are especially susceptible to the danger robots pose these days (along with gangs and rap music). The video is below. Sam Waterston is incredible, as per usual. Even now, I can't watch the TD Waterhouse commercials without thinking of Old Glory Insurance.



Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that despite the obvious threat robots pose to the elderly (and by extension to humanity in general), they are now being employed to help old people, according to this Live Science article!! Not only are they entrusting this bringer of metal death with our nation's most precious assets (where else would we get Easter cards with $2 in them??), but they went and gave them creepy "human" eyes!! Who could be behind such a dastardly scheme, I wondered as I read this horrifying article???

Then it hit me. I know who would profit most from introducing this new fear in the elderly community. It was so obvious, I smacked myself in the forehead for not getting it right away. Who would profit most from this??

Old Glory Insurance.

DAMN YOU SAM WATERSTON!!!!

As Promised

I promised a certain individual that I would post his comment from Friday night out at The Ugly Mug at Eastern Market in DC, so, here it is:

"Being gay seems like a pretty sweet deal...except for the whole getting fucked in the ass thing."

Alright, content-driven Google ads, do your thing...

United States of Hurt Feelings

I have never listened to Don Imus, nor have I seen him on TV, except perhaps in passing. I could not tell you if he is left-leaning, right-leaning, an extremist, a moderate, funny or serious. I don't know what issues get him riled up, or what listener-contests he may have. All I know is that he made a racially (and I guess sexually) charged comment/joke, and was fired for it by CBS yesterday.

Also, he kind of looks like Neil Young. No one's mentioned that yet, so I thought I'd be the first.

Anyway, what I do know is that, in my opinion, this firing is nothing short of bullshit. What Imus said was obviously dumb, and he should have been condemned for it. I don't think, however, that the 18th ranked radio broadcaster in the nation's throwaway comment about a group of young women athletes has opened new (or old) racial divisions and caused a national crisis on par with Hurricane Katrina or Phil Hartman's murder (God, I still get mad over that...). I also don't think that the Rev. Al "In a down year, anyone can run for President" Sharpton should be the arbiter of what can and can't be said on the radio, or in the public sphere in general. I'm pretty sure there's a clause in the Constitution that covers that. Somewhere near the beginning, I believe.

If anything, Sharpton and Jesse "Hymie Town" Jackson are trivializing the real racism that exists today that is far more damaging to minorities in America than some weird old guy in a bad hat's senilic ramblings. But, of course, Sharpton and Jackson have gained national exposure for themselves and their organizations, which is really all that matters to them. As Sharpton himself says, the issue "was never about Don Imus."

Along those lines, I for one hope that this new public outrage manufactured by the two former Presidential candidates leads to some consistency. If they really are outraged by the systematic demeaning of minority women on the radio (Sharpton again: "We cannot afford a precedent established that the airwaves can be used to commercialize and mainstream sexism and racism."), then go after mainstream rap artists, whose lyrics are far, far, far more damaging under the standards Jackson and Sharpton and Wilbon and others have suddenly applied as the moral nirvana we should all aspire to. If Imus can't say "nappy-headed hos," why can Ludacris, Young Jeezy, R. Kelly, or Mims (to name a few) say that and worse? Because they're black?? Ban it all!!! And why not go after people like Louis Farrakhan, who may be the most anti-Semitic human being alive (sorry Ahmedinejad...)?? But of course he's not an easy target, and so gets a pass.

Look, I only point this out because I think it's ALL bullshit. I don't think that Don Imus should be censored, just as I don't think that any of the rap artists currently blowing up the Billboard charts should be censored (although it does bother me that rap has fallen so low, as their "music" doesn't come close in quality to anything produced in the 90's - listen to The Rhyme on XM Radio and you'll see what I mean). One of the great things about America is that we are supposed to be able to say whatever the hell we want, and the people can decide what to listen to and what to believe. I mean, hell, Rosie O'Donnell (who, disturbingly enough, is on my side on this particular issue) has her own pulpit to spew verbal diarrhea (thanks Carmela!) every single day! But I, as a free consumer, can (and do) choose not to listen to what she says. It's called free will. I, for one, have yet to find someone who has actually ever listened to Imus, so I don't know that it's terribly difficult to turn him off if you don't like what he says. What frightens me is that the whole PC movement has gone from a roll-your-eyes ha ha sidebar to a mainstream force actively deciding what we can and can't say, what we can and can't listen to, and what we can and can't watch. That, folks, is what goes on in places like Iran, China, Pakistan, and my office (porn = out). Al Sharpton does not speak for me, and should not try to act like he does. Last time I checked, he was not voted into a representative office.

I mean, seriously, I know it's been said before, but when did we become such a nation of thin-skinned pussies??? I thought sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me. One Rutgers player noted: "This has scarred me for life." Really?!?!? Maybe to the extent that your coach has dragged you onto Oprah and CNN and MSNBC and Fox News and Al Jazeera and Vive la France and The Onion to discuss how three words could get more exposure than, say, a 103 year old woman hitting a hole in one, which is much more newsworthy in my opinion. When anyone can be persecuted for their thoughts and what they say in an otherwise legal manner, any possibility for dissent and an open forum are squashed. We get closer to 1984 (the book, not the terrible movie) every day.

Alright, end rant.

Well Played, Boss-Lady, Well Played...

My annual review for my real job is coming up next week, and I've been geared up for my salary negotiation (if such a thing is necessary) for several weeks now. Having been screwed over several times in my old company at this point of the year, I resolved to not let it happen here, since I had three huge pieces of leverage over my boss:

1.) As a contractor in a one-person government contract, my continued presence here is not just vital, but absolutely required for the continuation of this contract. I've been told by the client that once I leave, the contract leaves too (since the client and my boss don't get along too well, but I get along great with the client).

2.) I've gotten offers from some other companies (including the client).

3.) I really want to get out of the field I'm in (FOIA), and it'll take a lot to keep me doing this for another year (read: big raise).

Don't get me wrong, I actually like the company I work for. It's small and they treat you like a valued human being, rather than a nappy-headed ho like at my old job. I realize fully that it's hard to find a company like that these days, and I obviously realize what I've got. Still, though, I feel like I'm somewhat underpaid, and a brotha's gots ta get paid! So, I was completely ready to angle for a big, fat raise. Looking forward to it, actually.

That is, I was, until my boss pulled out such an unexpected card from the deck, that I think I've lost all leverage in this game.

She's sending us all on an all expenses paid cruise to the Bahamas over Memorial Day weekend. It's our "Quarterly Meeting."

Let me repeat that for emphasis: An all expenses paid (including airfare) three day cruise to the Bahamas, for us and a guest (so Disgruntled Girlfriend wins out here as well).

Suffice to say, a free cruise trumps #1, #2, and #3 from my list above. I might just retire with this company. FOIA kicks ass! This, by the way, comes one month after my boss sent me on an all expenses paid trip to Vegas for a conference.

Fuck! How can I argue for more money after that??? Why would I want to???

Turns out I have a lot to learn in the corporate world. Well played, indeed...

...UPDATE: I just logged on to this site (to navigate over to the Blogadier General's site actually) and happened to notice an ad to the side of this posting that says, "Are you gay? Take the gay quiz" The "Are" is the hotlink. Besides the incredible hilarity of an ad that says "Are you gay" (Answer: possibly!), is the fact that as these ads are content-driven, apparently something I wrote on this site is giving Google ads the impression that: 1.) I like having sexy-time with the dudes; 2.) My male readers like having sexy-time with the dudes, or; 3.) The labels "Bahamas, Cruise, and Las Vegas" are apparently gay-code for, I want to have sexy-time with the dudes. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I can't wait to use and abuse this newfound tool (hehe pun intended) some more.

And Now We Wait

Well, after a pretty intense and backbreaking week of ripping up carpet, painting, cleaning (easily the most grueling part - freaking disgusting tenants), Magic Erasing, touch-up painting, and daily Home Depot runs, the house is at what I would like to call 99% showability (the other 1% would/will be achieved after power-washing the decks). Which is good, since the house is officially listed today, at $475,000. I've gotta say, the place looks pretty fucking good right now. There are new carpets, updated kitchen and bathrooms, new tile in one of the bathrooms, and the touch-up painting really made a huge difference actually. Lucky for me the previous owner left behind the paint they used on the walls and trimming.

There are a number of interesting financial considerations that go along with this whole process. For example:

-I purchased this house for $468,000, and thus if I were to receive my asking price, there would be a before-expenses profit of $7,000. This is about $20,000 less than I had intended to profit (after expenses) on the place when I purchased it a year ago. So goes the market...
-The key term in the above note is "before-expenses." While my realtor is charging me next to nothing on commission, if there were to be a buyer's agent, we are offering between 3-4% commission, which is standard. Um, yeah, that's roughly an $18,000 commission. So, needless to say, I'm hoping that my realtor finds the buyer himself.
-All of the above figures are, of course, assuming that I actually get $475,000. It is still a seller's market, right? Right???
-(On the other hand) If I were to sell it (at any price), I'd be saving myself between $700-$900 a month that I'm currently doling out to this money pit. Also, if (when??) I sell this for a loss, I should be able to roll the remaining money into my other mortgage, using the equity already in that house (via the appreciation I've added to it from last summer's improvements).
-And finally, I see no situation in which I'm going to pay for this in my 2008 tax return. Pretty sure this can only help me.

Most importantly, I'd have one less house on my hands, and three less tenants.

Without a doubt, this house is going to sell. At what price, I'm not sure, but it's in an outstanding neighborhood in a really trendy location that people are actively looking in. Right now there's a house about three doors down from mine that's also up for sale (has been for a month or so). It's listed at $430,000, which sucks, but they have one less bedroom, one less full bath, old and poorly put in carpet (also they used different colors for different rooms), an un-updated awkward kitchen, and none of the good karma that I am sure to have accumulated by now. So, we'll see.

Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate real estate? Not lately? Ok.