Hot Pocket

I recently (about 20 minutes ago) sat down to a fine lunch of microwaved Hot Pocket. I enjoyed the "Beef Taco" flavor today. It was pretty fantastic, as always.

Anyway, while I was waiting for the miniature chef inside the microwave to finish preparing my pastry treat, I glanced at the Hot Pocket box, and noticed something peculiar. In the upper right-hand corner, the box noted that Hot Pockets have 0 grams trans fat per serving. Then, in the lower left-hand corner, the box bragged about the "8 Essential Vitamins and Minerals: Includes Excellent Source of Calcium (emphasized by a box with a check mark in it to indicate that, yes, in fact, Hot Pockets do have calcium) and Excellent Source of Protein (ditto with the checked box)." Quickly flipping to the back of the box, I saw that the box had declared Hot Pockets to be "Balance on-the-go...There's more to Hot Pockets than great taste. Each of our 26 delicious varieties provide the calcium, protein, iron, and fiber [emphasis theirs] you can use when you're on the go." Hmmm...so Hot Pockets is now claiming to be a health food.

This, despite the "Nutrition Facts" helpfully forced onto the box by the FDA or USDA or something, which appears to contradict the healthiness of Hot Pockets by noting that each Hot Pocket you eat (and who among us can eat just one?) provides a third of your daily saturated fat allowance, over a third of your daily sodium allowance, and 11% of your daily cholesterol allowance.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you - I love to eat Hot Pockets. I've been enjoying Hot Pockets ever since they were introduced back in the early 80's (yes, they have been around that long, as Rosie O'Douchebag says - "Google It!") with the Ham 'n' Cheese or Pepperoni Pizza flavors being personal favorites. From the time I began eating them (again, early 80's) to about 30 minutes ago, I never once ate them with the assumption that I was doing my heart (or any other vital organ) any favors by eating them. But, apparently I was wrong - 8 essential vitamins (actually, the nutrition facts lists 9 vitamins - what, riboflavin's not "essential" anymore?!?!)

So why in the hell am I writing about Hot Pockets and my "discovery"??? Just as an excuse to play this: