1.21.09

Living as I do in Arlington, that bastion of liberalism in the supposedly "red" state of Virginia, I come across a lot of cars with the "1.20.09 - Bush's Last Day" bumpersticker.

Wouldn't it be the ultimate irony if the response to that ends up being
"1.21.09 - Newt's First Day"?

Don't forget about MCA from the Beastie Boys!

Speaking of old video games, this is in the latest Onion. NBA Jam was awesome.

NBA Referees Turn Off 'Goaltending,' 'Out-Of-Bounds,' Turn On 'Unlimited Turbo' For Conference Finals
May 17, 2007

NEW YORK—In addition to their decision to allow goaltending and out- of-bounds for the duration of this year's NBA Conference Finals, NBA referees announced yesterday that players will also be permitted to use their Unlimited Turbo option, a feature that allows them to deliver high-powered defensive shoves, makes it so they never have to expend any energy, and gives them the ability to perform helicopter- style dunks from as far back as the half-court line at all times without waiting to power up. "We're really going to go with a 'let them play' approach this year—for instance, to open things up a little more, all games will be two-on-two, players will be officially 'On Fire' after making three shots in a row, and in the event the Bulls or Suns advance, they will be allowed to play alongside their respective mascots," said NBA referee Dick Bavetta, adding that players will also be given the option to let their heads expand to many times their usual size and to play alongside former U.S. president Bill Clinton. "This is going to be a pretty fun and addictive conference finals." NBA analyst Steven A. Smith stated that Cleveland's tandem of Mark Price and Brad Daugherty "doesn't stand a chance" against Detroit's Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer.

8-Bits

For Christmas, my little brother - who works in a used video game store - got me an original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES), and several games. Problem was, the NES didn't really work, so he took it back, fixed it, and sent it back to me. I received it about 4 days ago. The games that he included were:

Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt
California Games
Mega Man 3
Kung-Fu
The Adventures of Bayou Billy
Dragon Warrior (which I almost beat as a kid until one of my brother's idiot friends "accidently" erased my file...)
RBI Baseball
Fester's Quest
...and probably the best Nintendo game of all time...
Blades. Of. Steel.

Anyway so I've been playing with these since I've gotten it, having to occasionally "blow them" to get them to work. RBI Baseball especially was a pain in the ass to prep, and since it had that weird Tengen shape it's really difficult to get the cartridge out once it's in. Still, though, I hadn't played a baseball video game in a while where the average final score is 21-18, so that was pretty cool. The Red Sox and Mets are pretty much the equivalent of Tecmo Bowl's Bo Jackson in the game. This is pretty ironic, actually, since the year this came out was the same year they met up in the Bill Buckner World Series. It's also bizarre to see Julio Franco and Roger Clemens, who are still playing, and people like Don Baylor who are coaching now.

Anyway, I know Bill Simmons had the link to this a while back on his site, but it's still great. I'm not really a fan of either team, but knowing what's going to happen still makes it kind of eerie to watch. It also underscores the fact that Buckner is a lot less to blame than Calvin Schiraldi and Bob Stanley. Schiraldi actually lost Game 7 as well.

THE 1986 WORLD SERIES, BOTTOM OF THE 10TH INNING, AS PLAYED BY RBI BASEBALL

One Minute to Wapner

Little in this world fascinates me more than autism. The fact that someone can recite pi out 300 decimal places but can't microwave a burrito just speaks to how mysterious this condition is. Anyway, I recently came across the video below, which, I think you'll agree, is pretty incredible. Maybe memorizing things like this crowds out actions like, say, burrito-microwaving, but it's still incredible. This guy's mind is like a high-speed computer.


Autistic Man Draws Near-Perfect Panorama of Rome - Watch more free videos


P.S. On a completely unrelated topic, how is this not as bad as "nappy-headed hoes"??

But You Know He'll Always Run....To Sweet Melina

As I noted in my last post, I've decided to start scambaiting "Melina Richard", who replied to my recent Craigslist post with a fake email response, similar to the Nigerian 419 wire scams. Anyway, here's what's transpired so far...

Melina's Initial Email

A couple things to note while you read this:
1.) "She" appears to have sent this email to herself...
2.) "She" doesn't identify where her "contract" is - also note that initially she's coming back to the "state" for a new "HIV/AID" research contract, but near the end of the email she says she wants to come to the US to start her own business.
3.) "She" plays the organ and piano and she HAS organ and piano!
4.) Spelling and grammar are, as always, impeccable.

----- Original Message ----
From: Melina Richard
To: queen_melina111@yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, May 7, 2007 8:16:42 AM
Subject: I am interested in renting this Room / Apt...


Hello,
My name is Melina Richard,I am mailing just to confirm if you still have the room for rent. Here is all I can say about my self for now. I am 28 years old female and I work full time, Monday through Friday. I was born in UK WODGREEN , but I was brought up in .I work in Mildmay HIV/AID cure, so we travel alot through this because am one of the perfect workers of the hospital , now i am now in Africa, what we do is to give medicine and to advice those with HIV/AIDS possitive , now our next contract is at the state , so i need to move back to the state, so today when i was on the computer i saw your ad on the site that you have a room to rent which is near to where my next contract in the state is being available , then i decided to email you to know if the room is still available , and to know more about the room ok ,i will like you to email me back if you think i will be the best person to rent the room . I am not really a sports person, BUT I do love Hockey Games. I am a very out going person and fun to be with. I do play the organ and piano, and I do have BOTH piano and organ here at my house.I am not a drinker and I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. like bike ridding, swimming, and I love to travel. I am presently in LAGOS SATE IN WEST AFRICA, and I will be moving to the state to fully start a new life and get my own business after 8 years of service in the HIV/AIDS home in africa... I will be staying in the Apt/Room for some months even may be up to a year depending on how the lease is draw I will be arriving to the states within some weeks if possible...... ,i will like you to email me back to my personal yahoomail if you think i will be a good roomie to you , send back to me a message ok
You can also meet me on my yahoomesanger my screen name is queen_melina12 i am online now
Waiting to hear from you
Warmest Regards,
Melina


Here's my response to Melina

Note the size and cost of the room are ridiculous.

Dear Melina,

Thank you for the response to the ad! I think perhaps you sound like a good fit for the place. However, I have a few questions that I hope you can answer for me before I can make a decision:

1.) Where is your contract in the States?? Specifically, what city/state in the US??
2.) The room size is 38 cm x 56 in - does that work for you?
3.) The deposit on the room is $5,000, and the rent is $10,000, a month - does that work for you?
4.) You mention that you were born in UK WODGREEN - me too! Which school did you go to??
5.) I'm not sure if the house can take both a piano AND an organ - are you planning on bringing both of these? Can you play both at the same time??

Let me know the answers to these, and we can see if you'd make a good fit for the place.

PS It's good that you like bike ridding, as there is a great bike ridding path nearby!

Thanks!
DI

One day later, "Melina" wrote back...

Subject: Still Interested (My Mode of Payment)

Hello
I am happy to hear from you , Thanks so much for your prompt response..I am very happy for your reply that shows the kind of person i am thinking of renting from how kind he his...For the payment that is not a problem at all...Because my boss will be highly responsible for all the expenses of the payment all i have to do is to confirm the amount of the room including the utilities and then get it sent to him including the informations in which the payment will be issued to..So all i require of you is for you to send me the total amount for the month because i will be paying for that for now,because i am thinking of staying in the state for up to a year so what is going to be happening is that i will be paying for the month in advance for now so that when i get to the state,i will now get to balance up the rest of my rental allowances.But if you think your room is not available until a whole year,it is not a problem okay all i just need to do is for me to look for another place after which the time you need me in your house expire.And if you think you will allow my stay in your place up to the period,i will indeed appreciate it alot.So if you are so sure that all i have said to you are now understandable by ou,then i will want to get back to me with the AMOUNT FOR ONE MONTH AND UTILITIES,and i will also want you to provide to me YOUR FULL NAME ,ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBERS so that i can forward it to my boss because my boss will be paying you in advance since both my flight and some other things are included in the payment,so all you have to do is that as soon as you receive the payment(Check) you will deduct your rent fee and the utilities from it and then get back the rest to my flight agent so that my ticket can be booked and scehduled for the next available flight... But you may want to ask me to fill an application or a background cheque i will not be able to do that simply becasue all my document is not here with me they are all in the state , am sure you will understand all this, waiting to hear from you , so i will want all this informations for quick payment as soon as posible..And for when i will be arriving to the state,i am very sure that i wil be in the state as soon as the payment gets to you so i will want you to be rest assured on that.
Thanks and i await from you the information needed for the payment to be made.
waiting to hear from you ,
Thanks and have a good time.
Warmest Regards,
Melina


"Melina" laid out the whole scheme in this response. I particularly like her explanation for not being able to fill out an "application or a background cheque," namely that her documents are all in the "state." Anyway, as you will see below, I'm not going to give her my "address" or anything yet, just to see how pissed off I can get her. Hello international incidents!! Also note I'm going to misspell her name and change around some figures from before. Here's guessing she won't catch it.

My Response to Sweet Melina

Hello Melissa,

Thanks for the quick reply! It was good to get a response from "Queen Melina" :P

That payment plan will be no problem - the full amount for one month and utilities will be $25,000. Is the payment going to be a personal check? I'll need to see some ID for that, ma'am.

Also, you didn't answer all of the questions I posed earlier:
1.) Where in the state is your new contract? I only ask because I'm a pretty well-known and rich ($$$) landlord magnate and have properties throughout the state. I want to know which one you are going to be coming to. Or, put better, gracing our presence with.
2.) Are you bringing your organ and piano?? I may require a security deposit on those, as they tend to scratch up the furniture and urinate on the carpets.
3.) Also, would you mind filling out a brief background credit check and application? I'll attach it in my next email - standard operating procedure you understand. Shouldn't be a problem if you have all of your documents with you as you said.
4.) Do you have a picture?

Let me know about these questions - I look forward to welcoming you to your new home in the state!!

Ciao bella!
DI


OK, so I might have been deliberately grating in this, but, hey, that's the way the "DI" rolls. I hope she sends a picture - if so, don't worry, I'll post it, ya perverts...

For now, we wait.

DI out...

Lost, Philip Jose Farmer, and Melina Richards (aka Linkapalooza)

I came into work today feeling oddly calm and liberated - no more worrying about whether my house will sell or not. No more wondering whether the lone tenant in the place was going to cook up some smelly fish the night before an open house. No more banging my head against a table while waiting for my realtor to tell me he couldn't do an open house on the nicest day of the year. I'll still be taking a loss on the place each month, but, through various sources and methods (read: drug money. ed. note: kidding), I'll be able to cover that and still work on paying down the massive debt this real estate venture has encumbered me with (side note: I've been working really hard to not end sentences with prepositions, but it's really, really damn hard).

Anyway, so as I was saying, I came in today feeling pretty good. I brewed up a pot of jasmine tea, popped in St. Germain's "Tourist" CD, read and laughed at a story about the "very masculine lesbians" Paris Hilton is going to encounter in the pokey, lamented Chad Cordero's incredible (but predictable) collapse this season with my boss, and settled in to work.

And by "work" I of course mean continuing to surf the internets.

I happened to notice an article on Yahoo about one of my favorite television shows, "Lost." Here's the article. Besides giving me the opportunity to start this posting off with a picture of Evangeline Lily (hot despite dating a hobbit and everyone's least favorite "Lost" character) [Disgruntled Girlfriend would like to note here that Ms. Lily sucks because she gave an interview once where she said that sometimes she cries because she's so hot. I don't have a link to that interview, but the DG swears it's true!], it also had the following quote, which further made my day:

"The Emmy-winning adventure series will run for 48 more episodes over three seasons. Each season will consist of 16 episodes, which will air uninterrupted."

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

So, in my classic book reading quest, I've so far finished Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis and other Stories" and Pearl Buck's "The Good Earth." Kafka was, well, Kafkaesque (serious father issues and absurdist, but I quite enjoyed his very short story called "Message From the Emperor"). "The Good Earth" was probably one of the top 5 books I've ever read. This is partly because I'm a huge Sinophile, but also because it's just a very well-written account of China just before the Nationalist revolution of the early 20th century. Great quote from it: "Tea is like drinking silver!"

I'm currently reading Philip Jose Farmer's "To Your Scattered Bodies Go," which is the first book in the five part "Riverworld" series. Written in the 1970's, the Riverworld series chronicles humanity resurrected on an afterlife planet that happens to have one large (you guessed it) river. Famous historical figures comingle with common folk from Neanderthal times to "the future" (2008, to Farmer). Anyway, led by Sir Richard Burton, a group of the resurrectees build a boat and decide to travel down the great river until they reach its end - coming across the seas of humanity along the way. I'm about 100 pages into it, but I know that at some point they pick up Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain). It's already an early favorite for my top 10 list. The word on the street is, this series was an inspiration for a certain TV show about some people "Lost" on an island.

Finally, having decided to rent out the damn house again, and having turned to the ol' Craigslist service, and having posted an ad last night, I've received the obligatory fake scam responses. Given my new "rental property" focus, and inspired by the Nigerian 419 scambaiters, I've decided to respond to the very first fake emailer and string them along for as long as I can. And, what do you know, the very first one I received was from our old friend Melina Richards. She apparently still has not found a residence yet. Pity. More on this as it develops...

Disgruntled Out!

Real Estate 2, Disgruntled Investor 0

So, I've decided to take my house off the market, and rent it back out again.

The place is getting decent foot traffic during the rare times when my shitty realtor passes along the chore of doing an open house to one of his colleagues, but he's doing absolutely no follow-through on them. In addition, more houses in the same neighborhood with the same setup as mine (and updated carpet, kitchen, etc.) have been springing up on the market at lower prices than mine. I could just lower the price and take a major, major loss...BUT THERE'S NO GUARANTEE IT WILL EVEN SELL AT THAT PRICE!!

In short, the market sucks ass.

So, I've decided to take my house off the market, and rent it back out again. (Is there an echo in here??) I'll officially unlist it on Monday, so of course there is the off chance I'll get a contract today or tomorrow, but doubtful.

In real estate, only two things matter - location and timing. The house is in such a stellar area that the only explanation can be the timing. Oh, and my terrible realtor, who I will not be retaining for services in future real estate sales.

While I'm obviously somewhat bitter about this, I'm surprisingly at peace with this decision. Continuing to rent it out had been in the back of my mind throughout this whole process, and part of me knew that that would happen anyway. I'll continue to enjoy tax benefits, and can hopefully wait this market out. I'm going to revisit the selling idea during the next selling season, which I've been told is September.

Another aspect of this is that I'm somewhat loathe to allow this investment to fail so quickly. The mortgage I have on the place (5-year fixed ARM, adjustable after that) essentially gives me 4 more years to wait out the market. As I've noted earlier, I went into this with the intention of fixing-and-flipping and ended up with rental properties. So, I'm going to roll with that. When the time comes, I'll sell.

Until then, bring on the psychotic alcoholic defecator tenants!!

Iraq, et al.

I've decided to post a link to this story, which was run on the British Daily Mail newspaper's website today, detailing how an "honour killing" was carried out in Iraq last month. Like most inhumane, cruel, dumb, or just purely malicious acts performed in this day and age, someone was there to capture it on video, where it soon found its way on to the internet, and by extension, to international media sources. Essentially, what happened in this instance, was that a 17-year old Kurdish girl who lived near the northern Iraq town of Mosul fell in love with a Sunni Muslim boy, who was also a teen. For this "crime" of falling in love with someone of a different religious sect, she was stoned to death by a group of men, as Iraqi Security Forces looked on. As expected, Sunni militants retaliated quickly, forcing a group of 23 Kurds off of a nearby bus and gunning them all to death. So, counting the girl's death, 24 innocent Iraqis were murdered for the sole reason that some people in her village disapproved of whom she chose to consort.

By no means is this an isolated incident; the reporting of it in the major media is the only thing that's rare. Usually in smaller, traditional villages in Iraq, Pakistan and Afghanistan, this sort of "justice" is meted out quite regularly - whether it be a stoning, a sanctioned gang-rape, or acid thrown in the face of a female "offender." Although they condemn it publicly, the central governments of these countries are far too weak to really do anything about it, and so it continues.

In no way is this indicative of the Muslim faith. It is, instead, a strong symbol of the incredibly different cultural mores held by many rural (and some urban) Middle-Easterners. These people are literally stuck in the stone age (no pun intended) with a lot of their beliefs, and must be a horrifyingly frightening place for women to live.

Anyway, sorry for the downer post, just thought it was something worth pointing out. I promise I'll go back to talking about my terrible investments (major announcement coming soon), drunken hook-ups, and killer robots real soon.

-Disgruntled A

My Best Story

So, I've had some serious blogger's block recently, which explains the lack of posts. If I had something new to report on the house sale front, I'd report it, but I'm still waiting on my worthless realtor to scare up some buyers. I guess you get what you pay for as far as that's concerned. Also, I tried to find the Seinfeld clip where Jerry and Kramer try to out-Cockney accent each other by saying, "Not bloody likely!", which is probably my favorite Seinfeld scene, but, couldn't find it.

Anyway, I thought this might be a good opportunity to recall, for those who haven't heard this one before, my best college story. So, without further ado (hehe, "a doo"):

My fourth year of college was unique for me in that I managed to convince a girl to date me for more than a few months. Unfortunately, the one I snagged happen to be Satan incarnate, and for some reason decreed that I would spend most of my nights over at her lair. This meant that I missed some of the ridiculous drunken moments that went on over at our house. It was a damn shame.

However, I was there for one of those moments.

My friend Dave (see, I can use his name because 99% of the people I know - guys and girls - are named Dave) was working as a waiter at this Mafia-owned Italian restaurant in downtown Charlottesville. I would, a few months later, join him in this waitering, which was its own treasure trove of hilarity. Anyway, the hostess at this place, who we'll call "Robin," was pretty easy on the eyes. Cute blonde with a great body. Naturally, Dave decided that she would be his, oh yes, she would be his. And, also naturally, being in college, he (and we) decided that his best chance would involve inviting our friend Al K. Hol over. Good ol' Al.

Dave had Robin over one night to hang out and drink with us louts one summer night. A lot of drinking was had by all, and the plan seemed to have worked great for Dave, as when we all retired to our rooms for the night, she followed him into his. They don't call him Handsome Dave for nothing!

Anyway, at the time, I was interning with a local Congressman who hates illegal immigrants, which meant having to wake up relatively early each morning for no pay (just like illegal immigrants!). At about 6 AM, I noticed a stirring out in the hallway, looked at my alarm clock, which wasn't set to go off for another 45 minutes, and sighed in irritation at being woken up early. I was about to drift back off to sleep when I heard my doorknob being turned. Fearing that I would have to move a car or something, I rolled my eyes in anticipation.

Much to my surprise, however, the head that peeked through the door was not one of my roomates, but Robin, looking worse for the wear and somewhat confused. She peered in quickly, closed the door, opened the door again, and finally came fully into my room. Still obviously somewhat out of it, she asked the following question:

"Where are all the beds in this place?"

Seeing as I was presently in one of those hidden beds, I didn't know how to answer, so I asked her where she had spent the night.

"Um, one of the other beds in the house." Dave must have left some kind of impression on her, the stud.

I guess I should mention at this point that Robin was completely naked.

Robin, having obviously located a suitable bed, despite my being in it (or because of me being in it??) proceeded to lift the covers and crawl into bed with me. She drifted back off with her head on my chest. Also, her boobies were leaning against me, asleep as well.

Now, suffice to say, from the time a boy first notices the funny feeling he gets when he notices his fellow sixth grader's training bra to, well, the time he needs Viagra to rekindle that funny feeling, it is our number one most improbable fantasy to have a hot, naked (or nekkid) chick enter our room unsolicited and crawl into bed with us. It just doesn't happen. It would be awesome if it did, but, short of a girlfriend/wife surprising you, it's quite rare. Quite. So, I had seemingly hit the fantasy jackpot here.

Except for three things:
1.) I was still dating Satan
2.) Dave had probably hooked up with her
3.) She was clearly out of it, and yes, I have some sense of decency to me (ed. note: No, no, he doesn't.)

So, here was my situation: I was lying half-naked in bed (a single bed, I might add) with a very attractive girl who was completely naked. I had a girlfriend with a somewhat jealous streak. My door was open enough for anyone to walk by and see this scene. My alarm was going off in about 30 minutes. And there was not a goddamn thing I could do about the situation. So, I just lay there, and pondered my twisted luck.

When my alarm went off, I quickly jumped up, turned it off, and darted into the shower, fully expecting her to follow me in there (she didn't). Reentering my room after the shower, I started to get dressed to leave for the Congressman's office. Robin, hearing me, stirred, opened her eyes, looked at me, and smiling wryly, implored,

"Mmmm, come back to bed Disgruntled Investor..."

So, she was clearly aware that it was me in that room. I laughed nervously, finished dressing, and went straight into Dave's room.

Dave was still asleep, and luckily, not naked. Robin's clothes lay in a pile by his bed. I shook Dave awake.

"Um, Dave, Robin's asleep in my bed. Naked. Did you two hook up last night?"

Dave - "Um, I think so. Maybe? You should probably bring her clothes in there."

So, I did, and left for work.

The postscript to this is that Robin was the girl who eventually was the undoing (along with my accidental big mouth) of Dave's relationship with his girlfriend.

Did I not mention his girlfriend? Hehe.

Anyway, the next day I went to an awards ceremony where I received the Endurance award for showing more restraint than a human being should ever be forced to endure. The worst part was that the girlfriend for whom I remained faithful was definitely not worth the loyalty.

All I know is one thing: That girl Robin had some big ass titays!!