My Best Story

So, I've had some serious blogger's block recently, which explains the lack of posts. If I had something new to report on the house sale front, I'd report it, but I'm still waiting on my worthless realtor to scare up some buyers. I guess you get what you pay for as far as that's concerned. Also, I tried to find the Seinfeld clip where Jerry and Kramer try to out-Cockney accent each other by saying, "Not bloody likely!", which is probably my favorite Seinfeld scene, but, couldn't find it.

Anyway, I thought this might be a good opportunity to recall, for those who haven't heard this one before, my best college story. So, without further ado (hehe, "a doo"):

My fourth year of college was unique for me in that I managed to convince a girl to date me for more than a few months. Unfortunately, the one I snagged happen to be Satan incarnate, and for some reason decreed that I would spend most of my nights over at her lair. This meant that I missed some of the ridiculous drunken moments that went on over at our house. It was a damn shame.

However, I was there for one of those moments.

My friend Dave (see, I can use his name because 99% of the people I know - guys and girls - are named Dave) was working as a waiter at this Mafia-owned Italian restaurant in downtown Charlottesville. I would, a few months later, join him in this waitering, which was its own treasure trove of hilarity. Anyway, the hostess at this place, who we'll call "Robin," was pretty easy on the eyes. Cute blonde with a great body. Naturally, Dave decided that she would be his, oh yes, she would be his. And, also naturally, being in college, he (and we) decided that his best chance would involve inviting our friend Al K. Hol over. Good ol' Al.

Dave had Robin over one night to hang out and drink with us louts one summer night. A lot of drinking was had by all, and the plan seemed to have worked great for Dave, as when we all retired to our rooms for the night, she followed him into his. They don't call him Handsome Dave for nothing!

Anyway, at the time, I was interning with a local Congressman who hates illegal immigrants, which meant having to wake up relatively early each morning for no pay (just like illegal immigrants!). At about 6 AM, I noticed a stirring out in the hallway, looked at my alarm clock, which wasn't set to go off for another 45 minutes, and sighed in irritation at being woken up early. I was about to drift back off to sleep when I heard my doorknob being turned. Fearing that I would have to move a car or something, I rolled my eyes in anticipation.

Much to my surprise, however, the head that peeked through the door was not one of my roomates, but Robin, looking worse for the wear and somewhat confused. She peered in quickly, closed the door, opened the door again, and finally came fully into my room. Still obviously somewhat out of it, she asked the following question:

"Where are all the beds in this place?"

Seeing as I was presently in one of those hidden beds, I didn't know how to answer, so I asked her where she had spent the night.

"Um, one of the other beds in the house." Dave must have left some kind of impression on her, the stud.

I guess I should mention at this point that Robin was completely naked.

Robin, having obviously located a suitable bed, despite my being in it (or because of me being in it??) proceeded to lift the covers and crawl into bed with me. She drifted back off with her head on my chest. Also, her boobies were leaning against me, asleep as well.

Now, suffice to say, from the time a boy first notices the funny feeling he gets when he notices his fellow sixth grader's training bra to, well, the time he needs Viagra to rekindle that funny feeling, it is our number one most improbable fantasy to have a hot, naked (or nekkid) chick enter our room unsolicited and crawl into bed with us. It just doesn't happen. It would be awesome if it did, but, short of a girlfriend/wife surprising you, it's quite rare. Quite. So, I had seemingly hit the fantasy jackpot here.

Except for three things:
1.) I was still dating Satan
2.) Dave had probably hooked up with her
3.) She was clearly out of it, and yes, I have some sense of decency to me (ed. note: No, no, he doesn't.)

So, here was my situation: I was lying half-naked in bed (a single bed, I might add) with a very attractive girl who was completely naked. I had a girlfriend with a somewhat jealous streak. My door was open enough for anyone to walk by and see this scene. My alarm was going off in about 30 minutes. And there was not a goddamn thing I could do about the situation. So, I just lay there, and pondered my twisted luck.

When my alarm went off, I quickly jumped up, turned it off, and darted into the shower, fully expecting her to follow me in there (she didn't). Reentering my room after the shower, I started to get dressed to leave for the Congressman's office. Robin, hearing me, stirred, opened her eyes, looked at me, and smiling wryly, implored,

"Mmmm, come back to bed Disgruntled Investor..."

So, she was clearly aware that it was me in that room. I laughed nervously, finished dressing, and went straight into Dave's room.

Dave was still asleep, and luckily, not naked. Robin's clothes lay in a pile by his bed. I shook Dave awake.

"Um, Dave, Robin's asleep in my bed. Naked. Did you two hook up last night?"

Dave - "Um, I think so. Maybe? You should probably bring her clothes in there."

So, I did, and left for work.

The postscript to this is that Robin was the girl who eventually was the undoing (along with my accidental big mouth) of Dave's relationship with his girlfriend.

Did I not mention his girlfriend? Hehe.

Anyway, the next day I went to an awards ceremony where I received the Endurance award for showing more restraint than a human being should ever be forced to endure. The worst part was that the girlfriend for whom I remained faithful was definitely not worth the loyalty.

All I know is one thing: That girl Robin had some big ass titays!!