Because YOU'RE my number one

Have you noticed that TV commercials are really bad lately? I have, and I've noticed that they seem to fit into four general categories:

1.) Elitist (aka "You can't afford this, so we'll make you feel bad about it")
Remember the Grey Poupon commercials? What made this commercial work was that it presented this gourmet dijon mustard as a product for elite tastes, but when you got to the supermarket, you learned that you, yes you middle-classer!, could afford it. Maybe one day YOU would be the one saying, "But of course" to mustard! Not to mention it's some damn good mustard.

But lately, I've noticed the opposite has occurred. First of all, I'm not sure why Mercedes and Cadillac and BMW are even advertising, much less during reruns of Seinfeld at 7:38 PM on a weekday. But clearly it's to rub their balls in our face. Except for a brief stretch of Tiki Barber driving over the Brooklyn Bridge in his Escalade, the drivers of these cars in these commercials ("When you turn your car on, does it return the favor") are all clearly upper-class white pricks. Also, they're smugly driving at a speed that betrays their lack of concern for anything else on "their" road. I happen to live in an area with a lot of Mercedes and Beamers driving around, and they are, by far, the second worst group of drivers around.

2.) You're a Bad Person Because...
a.) You pay for items with cash instead of a Visa card
b.) You don't drive a Hybrid
c.) You didn't get her jewelry from Jared's
d.) You got caught by "To Catch a Predator"

3.) Insult to Our Intelligence
The best, number one, example of this is the set of Apple IPhone commercials. First, we get the pilot (or flight attendent?) who claims he averted a long delay by checking weather patterns on his IPhone, while the air traffic controllers are apparently distracted by a blow job fest or something. My neighbor is a pilot, and I asked her about this. She laughed and totally called shenanigans on that. She confirmed what anyone with half a brain knows - if the weather's cleared up, uh, yeah the controllers got that. Second, we get the NY/Jersey guido wearing a t-shirt with sleeves short enough to show that his guns are unholstered, so, you know. Anyway, he starts talking about how the IPhone is saving him from having to carry around his usual accoutrement, which apparently includes a cell phone, a PDA, a douche for his man-gina, a purse, a second purse, man-makeup, keys to his Camaro (because you know that's what he's driving), a sock to stuff down his pants, and his giant ego. Thank God for this one device which takes care of all of those tasks AND allows him to retain his pretentiousness! Huzzah! This one's my favorite, though...



The other good example of this is the set of commercials in which we discover that Walmart is saving the world from high gas prices, keeping families together, and protecting this nation from terrorists. I'm not anti-Walmart at all, but, seriously, I've tried, and I just can't follow their logic on this one.

4.) Completely Unwatchable
a.) Verizon's "You're My Number One"
b.) Really, any phone commercial
c.) Taco Bell's "Cha!" Rules of Life/Pizza Hut's "How to eat a pizza, son"/KFC "I hope dad doesn't try to cook again, IDIOT!!" [All three owned by the same company]
d.) Domino's Oreo Beard Commercial....just kidding, that one's still awesome.