The C Stands for Crap

So I'm watching the Patriots-Colts game on Sunday, and aside from the terrible "Because You're My Number 1" Verizon commercial and the commercial about the idiots who didn't know they were Swedish, the one that stuck out most to me was the preview for the new "Beowulf" movie.

The Beowulf movie, as you probably know, is done entirely in CGI animation. This has become the new trend in special effects. It's supposedly a step up from hand-drawn animation, and is supposed to be as realistic as possible without it being...well, realistic.

I think CGI has set back special effects at least 30 years. Movies that rely on it look like video games from the late 90's, with exaggerated facial expressions and mouth movement that doesn't quite sync up with what they're actually saying. Even the Hall of Presidents at Disney World did a better job at both of these things! Hell, even Chucky Cheese did a better job at that!

Anyway, to prove my point, I would like to present a few examples to show how we've gone from robotics and animatronics that looked real to this lazy weird shit CGI.

Example 1: Sharks

Alright, I'm starting off with kind of an unfair example, but I think it's funny.

Exhibit A is Jaws. You might have heard of this indy film about a shark that terrorizes a beach, directed by a little known director named Steven Spielberg (before he became Senor Spielbergo). Here's Jaws - a mixture of real shark footage and a robot shark - attacking Brody in a cage.



This was 1975, and was made for a very non-Speilbergian budget of $7 million (a lot, but not nearly like what they spend now). The shark looks real, and more importantly, Spielberg doesn't fluff it up with gratuitous shots of a menacing CGI shark. It's a mixture of robo-shark and quick cuts of Brody in the cage. It's pretty awesome.

Fast-forward to 1999. As Dave Chappelle said (as Samuel Jackson), "Deep Blue Sea? They ate me! A fucking shark ate me!" And so I present, Exhibit B:



Which shark looks more real? The one made 25 years prior. Still, that was a pretty fucking funny scene when Sammy L. gets eaten by the shark.

Advantage: Robot/Real Shark

Example 2: Turtles, Ninja

How awesome was 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Fucking awesome, that's how awesome. When I was a little kid and saw this movie for the first time in the theatres, I lost my shit. But, it was so friggin' great, I stayed in that theatre in my shitty pants and sat through to the end. I had previously seen "Howard the Duck" and my expectations for this movie, even at the tender age of 10, were pretty low. But, holy shit, they actually had four actors in turtle suits doing ninja moves and it looked like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the comics. I believed that I was seeing four turtle ninjas kicking ass. Then again, I was 10, but still. Here's the original trailer for the movie.



Holy shit look at Shredder! God that's a great movie.

So, this is somewhat controversial, since my friend Kyle says he loved this movie, but what I've heard from most people about 2007's "TMNT" is pretty mixed, and the major complaints are similar to mine. Here is an argument between Raphael and Leonardo about who's better...



...and then they fight. I'd have put it in here, but then you'd have to wait forever for it to load. Again, this one is difficult because they do look turtle-ish, and you can see the advantages of CGI in this, but at the same time, you get the over-eggagerated facial and body expressions. Also, is this film trying to be a cartoon or a Beowulf-like live action shot in CGI? Plus, if it is supposed to be a cartoon, then where is the improvement over the awesome 1990's cartoon series? Is the CGI really worth it here? The jury's still out on that I think.

Advantage: Somewhat of a wash, but since it's my blog, the 1990 movie wins.

Example 3: Aliens

In 1979, and later in 1986, the "Alien/Aliens" movies created quite possibly the best special effect in film history by producing the most real looking alien (based on all of the aliens I've seen personally, of course) ever. Honestly, I don't even need commentary on this, here it is (might be slow-loading, and it's kind of long, but nonetheless worth watching):



Absolutely ground-breaking for that time, and it continued to get better as they picked up UVA grad Stan Winston for the sequels. All robots, all real.

As opposed to...this...



Not real at all.

Advantage: UVA

And finally, Example 4: Dinosaurs

CGI...



vs. LIVE ACTION!!!



Advantage: Clearly, live action. That dinosaur boss on the TV show was one mean ol' guy.

In conclusion, the point I'm trying to make is that CGI tries too hard to seem real, but generally doesn't get it right. In small doses, it works, but puppets, robots, and elaborate costumes will always win out.

1990 represent!