And With That...

So I clearly haven't been posting on here very much lately. Sorry.

BUT, that doesn't mean I haven't been posting ridiculous things on the interwebs for public consumption.

I've just found a different venue.

So, without saying definitively that this will be my last Disgruntled Investor post, I hereby direct you to what will be, essentially, my new site.

Adam Johnson's Associated Content page!

That link again is: http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/283225/adam_johnson.html

Please check this page out, and bookmark it, as I will be posting much more frequently here. A few articles may look familiar to you, but most will be brand new. Plus, I get paid for every time you read it, so, there's that too. But, seriously, it's a great site, and not just for my articles. So, do it up, disgruntles.

Disgruntled Out...

Bo Jackson Cannot Be Stopped

Sorry about the previous bitter (read: drunken) post. Though I do agree with everything I said, it's not exactly light reading. Oh well.

Anyway, none of that today. Check out this article on my favorite website, ESPN (sorry, no more sarcasm, I promise). It's about all of the little frustrating things in sports video games. Like miraculous 4th quarter comebacks. And bench players suddenly getting hot and hitting 10 3's in a row. And needing an Al Saunders playbook sized manual to understand how to pitch a freaking curveball. Anyway, great article.

For me, the worst part about sports video games comes down to one word: holding. It's bullshit. BULLSHIT!!! Whenever I play Madden, and I'm at my own 1 yard line, back to the endzone, 3rd down, and decide to try to eke out some breathing room for my punter with a little run up the middle, or a sweep out to the side (a bit risky, that), and, following my lead blocker, who bulldozes two defenders, and juking and spinning, I find that suddenly I've broken free of everyone, and make a 99-yard sprint to the other endzone, making sure to highstep near the end, diving theatrically into the end zone for an awesome touchdown...(breath)...whenever I do this, WHENEVER I DO THIS, I know what's going to happen.

Holding, #78, Offense, half the distance to the goal-line, repeat 3rd down.

Turns out, I accidently hit the "holding" button on my controller.

BULLSHIT!!!!!

The Means

So, CNN.com reported today in this story that the daring rescue of several hostages, including three Americans and Ingrid Betancourt - who was a high-profile former Presidential candidate in Colombia - was performed under somewhat false pretenses. You see, wrapped up in the elaborate and rather clever plot to deceive the FARC captors, were a few individuals who wore bibs containing the symbol of the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC). This, it turns out, is an egregious deception that is, in fact, a war crime, as laid out in the ICRC charter and international law. In effect, in rescuing these hostages, who suffered countless horrific personal horrors during their 5+ years in captivity by the leftist group, the Colombian government broke international law.

To which I say:

SO FUCKING WHAT.

It's not a surprise at all to me that CNN is nitpicking this operation; the only surprise to me is that it took them this long to do it. You see, these uber-liberal organizations like CNN, MSNBC, CBS, Huffington Post, ACLU, Moveon.org, and the like, don't care at all about the end result of things - even if the end result is a universally accepted and praised outcome (like, for instance, the rescue of these hostages). No, to these groups, what's more important is HOW the result came about. Or, to put it more simply, they care more about the means than the ends. Creative thinking is not something that fits into their overall philosophy. And yet, of course, these are the same groups that chastised the Bush administration for a lack of creative thinking in lambasting them for failing to prevent 9-11.

But, that aside, CNN has really overstepped their bounds here. Though I'm not the only one to point this out about this story, it's still really irresponsible of CNN to do this. They note that their reporting of this story may make it more difficult for ICRC members to operate in war zones in the future. You think??? Of course it is going to be.

But, here's the crazy thing about it - there was no gun to CNN's head that said they had to report on this particular method! Don't act like Colombia is the irresponsible one here - you (CNN) are literally putting lives at stake by your "scoop." Kudos and Huzzah, assholes!

Without a doubt, my little blog that no one reads isn't going to influence CNN or other media organizations at all. Not only will they not take any notice, but few other people will either. But, even if I were a multi-million hit a day website, CNN, et al would not change their philosophy on the matter. It doesn't matter to them (Newsweek is particularly bad on this front, by the way) whether they are putting lives at stake with shady reporting, as long as they receive their viewers and/or readers, that's all that matters.

It makes me sick. Rot in hell, CNN.

I Am Offended By This Post

There is nothing I despise more than when the actions of a small, ultra-sensitive, easily offended minority (as in group of people, not race of people) ruins things for the rest of us who have a normal sense of humor about things. When Janet Jackson (sort of) showed her boob (not really her nipple, though) during the Super Bowl, these groups went absolutely apeshit. Forget about the fact that I see more boob on the Discovery Channel, or walking around in malls, or giving "guest lectures" in local high school bathrooms, than Janet "showed" (or Justin Timberlake revealed). The fact remains, there is a devoted group of assholes who spend all their time watching far more television than most normal people just to fulfill their self-appointed role as morality police. Whose morality sets the standard doesn't matter - they are the morality police, dammit, and that's that.

Which brings me to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).

When the morality police, enraged with outrage at Bart Simpson saying "man!" and apparently paralyzed and unable to change the channel, figure out how to either turn on their computer or string letters together via their ink quill, they typically send their complaints in to our government's morality police, the FCC. As a government executive-level agency, the FCC is bound by the FOIA, and are thus under the obligation to respond to requests for copies of complaints they have received for specific shows.

So, as a service to my disgruntled reader(s?), I give you...

FCC COMPLAINTS ABOUT "FAMILY GUY"

Enjoy, it's pretty hilarious. It's also a good episode guide if you need to catch up.

Remember When We Used To Blog?

It's Wednesday, so I'm bringing back my semi-semi-weekly clip of the...um...week.

This is my favorite commercial of all time, featuring two of my three favorite pitchers of all time (sadly, no cameo from John Smoltz). For a nerd, Maddux was lights-out as a pitcher.

Amazing Larry

My Disgruntled Brother has a blog! It's the top link on the..um..links section.

Check this shit out.

Starring Asshole Deep

Last Friday night, I was taking the Disgruntled Dog out for a pee (or a fake pee so she can fool me into giving her a treat - joke's on you dog, baby carrots are good for you!) When I got back inside, I saw that I had a voicemail from Ete Packley. It said:

"Disgruntled Investor, this is Ete Packley. Um...we're all getting a bit impatient waiting for the sneak preview of Slumlord, featuring the line, "Asshole Deep." Umm........................................(long pause)...........................could you...um...send it?"

Thanks for waiting bitches, here's your sneak preview, featuring the talent of Asshole Deep.

Setting this up -

After enduring countless weiner tenant complaints and a rapidly sinking real estate market, Ben, who is one disgruntled investor, calls his realtor, Dick, to find out how he thinks the market is doing. Later in this, you'll meet Todd, who's based on my friend Kyle, a former co-worker of mine who's always got some crazy scheme for making money. Anyway, that's who that is. Hope you like. Oh, and please note that the formatting is a bit askew, but, that's cut and paste for you.

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - DAY
Ben is sitting at his desk, wearing a blue shirt, red tie,and khaki pants. Backlogged work is piled even higher on his desk than before, but in front of Ben, and taking his full attention, are notepads on which are written Ben’s increasing debts and budgets for the remaining months of the year. The notepad has a lot of minus signs on them. Ben is biting on his nails while he waits for Dick to answer the phone. Finally, Ben’s eyebrows raise and a hopeful look appears on his face as Dick picks up the phone.

BEN
Dick! Hey, man, I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you all week.
How’s it going?

CUT TO:
INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - SAME
Dick is in his office, which has two computers, numerous plaques for real estate excellence on the walls, and bookshelves full of “How To Sell Real Estate” type books. The floor is littered with papers, and Dick, holding the phone between his head and shoulders, is taking clumps of these papers and feeding them into a shredder.

DICK
Oh, good, good. Yeah, everything’s
going really well, Ben. How about
you?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Um...alright, I guess. What’s that
noise in the background?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dick continues to shred papers, at an almost frantic pace.

DICK
What? Oh, nothing, just, uh,
vacuuming around here. You know,
trying to get the house looking
good. Cat’s got it all messed up
and all. So, what can I do for
you, Ben?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Well, I was just calling to see how
things were going in the real
estate world. Specifically, how
are things looking over by my
house? I’m really hoping to be
able to move it here fairly soon.
These tenants are getting to be a
pain in the ass and I’m getting a
little nervous about this market.

Ben gives a nervous chuckle.
CUT TO:

EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick’s house is a rather large single-family home - almost to the point of being a mansion. It is red brick, three stories, and two Hummers are parked in the driveway. Dick is attaching a sign reading “Price Sharply Reduced!” to a “For Sale” sign in the yard.

DICK
The market? Um...well you might
want to hold onto the place for a
little while longer.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ben is somewhat taken aback at this answer, clearly not what he wanted to hear.

BEN
Wha...really? It’s already been a
few months now, I thought you said
it was a minor correction that’d
just take a few weeks to work
itself out.
CUT TO:

EXT. DICK’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dick stands in front of the sign, looking increasingly nervous and anxious.

DICK
Yeah...um, I’m not sure what you
want me to say here, Ben. I don’t
control the market.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Well, I mean I know that, I just
thought...well, nevermind. How
long do you think it’ll be before
it turns around. I mean, we’re
talking months, not years, right?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick has re-entered his house, and is now in his living room. It is very large, with a fireplace, and a 52-inch flat screen television on the wall above it. Three leather couches flank a glass table, on which a porcelain vase with a flower arrangement sit. Several large moving boxes are also in the room, some half-filled with items from the house. Dick is clearly preparing to move out of the house.

DICK
Could be months, could be years,
could be never, who knows? Now
might not have been a good time to
get in, in retrospect. But, if you
hold on to it, you should end up
alright. You’ve got some time.
You’ve got all the rooms filled up,
right?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Yeah, but...
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dick starts talking again before Ben can finish. As he’s talking, he puts together another cardboard box.

DICK
So, you’ll be fine. Anyway, good
luck with all that, and let me know
how it all turns out, ok?
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
Wait, what do you mean? You’re
still going to help me sell the
place, right?
CUT TO:

INT. DICK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DICK
Uh...no, sorry, I’m getting out of
this town. Anyway, I’ve gotta go,
got some stuff to do, but, again,
good luck.

Dick flips his cell phone shut.
CUT TO:

INT. BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN
But wait...

DIAL TONE sounds.

Ben sits in disbelief at what’s he’s heard. He’s all alone in this endeavor now. Todd walks in the door.

TODD
Hey man, let’s do that new Asian
fusion place for lunch. It’s a bit
pricey, but I heard the waitresses
are hot!

Ben looks distractedly over at Todd, then back to staring at the wall.

BEN
It’s never going to end. I’m in
asshole deep now.

Todd looks confused.

TODD
Um...so, anyway, the restaurant is
not in a great location, so it
might not be there forever. That’s
why we’ve gotta get there while we
still can. Hot Asian women! C’mon
dude!

Ben snaps back into reality and sighs.

BEN
Alright. They take credit cards,
right?

Todd shrugs, and Ben starts to gets up, when his cell phone rings. Ben looks at it and sees that it’s Leslie calling.

BEN (CONT’D)
Shit, hey man, I’ll come by your
office, ok, I’ve gotta take it.
It’s one of my wiener tenants.

TODD
Alright, good luck, man.

Todd walks out of the office, as Ben answers the phone and walks over to the window.

BEN
Hi Leslie, what’s up?

And, as you might guess, Leslie's got a complaint that's going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for our hero, Ben. If you guys want to read the whole thing (it's 86 pages), and let me know what you think, you can pop me an email. Otherwise, you can wait till it gets on the big screen and I'm rich, beotch.

Do Not Pass Go

Stay tuned for a sneak preview of "Slumlord"...starring, Asshole Deep as...a line in the movie!

Obama's Not An Elitist, Just An Asshole College Kid

Ah, well this changes everything. I'm definitely voting for him now. If their collars were up I'd even donate to his campaign!

Thx, Daily Gut!

P.S. A vote for Obama is a vote against little girls with cerebral palsy!

Revenge of the Landlords

So I just read an article linked on Drudge Report, which appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle's website, about some landlords who are FAR more disgruntled than I am. Unfortunately, they (SFChron) have disabled copy/paste on their site, thus negating my illegal copying ways, but the article is definitely worth a read (follow the link above).

Essentially, this couple, fed up with their weiner tenants (and their "demands" for electricity, reasonable rent prices, floors), took matters into their own hands. Considering my tenants have been violating my person for the last three years, this is a dangerous article for me. Maybe the weiner complaints would suddenly cease if I started sawing through their floor.

No, they probably wouldn't. Nuts.

My Anus is Bleeding!

Hey, got 9 minutes 21 seconds to spare? So do I! Enjoy this!

Random Filler

It's rare that I get the opportunity to rip off not one, but two independent sources, but I'm doing just that today.

My friend, the Blogadier General (Blog. Gen., 2nd class), himself ripped off the AV Club (a not great site) feature - "Random Rules" - where they get some "indie" celebrity to go through their IPod (since IPods are cool) and, with the song list set to random (hence the name of the feature), they comment on the song that shows up, usually with a witty anecdote from their professional or pre-professional lives. Here's what happened when the Blog. Gen. did this.

So, anyway, I decided to do the same today, since I'm kind of bored and think it's an interesting idea. Quick note - I don't have an IPod, I have a SanDisk Sansa e260. Eat that, Apple.

Here goes:

1.) Count Basie - "Jumpin' At The Woodside"
Ah, a classic from my bootleggin' days. I've got a million jazz songs on my MP3 player, mostly from Miles Davis. This song features a young Miles, back when he was in Basie's orchestra.

That's all I got.

2.) Soungarden - "Ty Cobb"
Down On The Upside is easily in my top 5 favorite albums of all time. I could (and do) listen to it all the time. The title track might be one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time. I hear Stone Temple Pilots is getting back together - what about these guys??

When this album came out, I was in high school, driving a "classic" 1984 Toyota Tercel hatchback. It was so old and rusted that the words "Toyota" and "Tercel" had long since fallen off the back hatch. Pieces of it would fall off when I closed the hatch. I loved that car. Anyway, I used to give my friends in the neighborhood a ride in to school every day, and this one guy David used to insist that we start the ride listening to this song. It is a pretty great song. So, he would always sing annoyingly along and act like he was playing the drums (yeah, he was that guy), and when the chorus came along, instead of the actual words ("Hard-headed, fuck you all!") he would yell out, "I'm ready to fuck you all!" He thought those were the words. I kept trying to tell him that that didn't make any sense and even showed him the lyrics in the liner notes, but he was still convinced his version was right.

Along with Offspring's "Bad Habit", this is the best song to listen to while stuck in traffic.

3.) Smashing Pumpkins - "Today (live acoustic version)"
Not much to say about this song, it's a good one. I actually saw the Pumpkins play their last show before the keyboardist OD'ed and they kicked their drummer, James Chamberlain, out. Now he's back with the band, and their music sucks!

4.) DJ Shadow - "Organ Donor (Extended Version)"
My little brother got me into Shadow, along with RJD2 and Madlib, last year. This is off Shadow's Endtroducing... album, the double CD version. Specifically, this version of "Organ Donor" is on the 2nd CD. I actually like this version better than the one on the first CD, but I like that one as well. I've definitely entered a phase in my life where I'm more into DJ-driven tracks, like Shadow, RJD2, St. Germain, Stereolab. It's a good phase to be in, I think. Anyway, great track - might end up being the best song on this list.

5.) Less Than Jake - "9th and Pine"
When I was in high school, and to some extent in college, LTJ was my favorite band. I definitely went through a ska phase, and these guys were the best. For a while, though, all I listened to was Jake, Hepcat, Skatalites, Pietasters, Rancid, Mustard Plug, and so on and so forth. I would attend every Vans Warped Tour, get into it with the moshers (despite weighing about a buck twenty). I even had my hair shoulder length. I was so cool.

The first time I saw these guys live, I got pulled over (in my Tercel) for being a suspected narcotics dealer. True story. My friend got slammed against the car by the cop. Turns out we had accidentally stumbled into the top narcotics zone in DC. Oops. Anyway, as it happened, they were mistaken in their belief of our being drug lords. But, on the plus side, at least they were dicks about it!

Anyway, this song is off their best album, Losing Streak. The best song on this album is "Johnny Quest Thinks We're Sellouts."

Incidentally, Less Than Jake is the Blogadier General's favorite band!

6.) Less Than Jake - "Jen Doesn't Like Me Anymore"
Awesome. And really, I only have this one album on the MP3 player. I like how the chorus to this one develops at the end: "Jee-e-e-e-e-e-en, no she doesn't fucking like me anymore." I miss the simpler songs.

7.) Blind Melon - "Rebirth (Demo)"
Hmm. Blind Melon's one of my favorite bands of all time, but this song (and this recording) isn't that great. Not sure how it made it on there, except that I'm such a Melon fanboy. I just saw them live with their new lead singer a couple months ago. They sounded great, can't wait for the new album.

8.) Beatles - "Yellow Submarine"
The Beatles were at their best when they were stoned out of their minds. Really stoned out of their minds. The other Beatles songs on my player are "Strawberry Fields" and "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." My favorite part of this song is when Paul starts drunkenly parroting everything Ringo sings. I bet that pissed Ringo off good.

9.) Handsome Boy Modeling School - "The World's Gone Mad"
Featuring Alex Kapranos and Del the Funkee Homosapien. Love this song. It's the best song off of White People.

Del, of course, is the nerdy cousin of Ice Cube. I bet a thousand years from now, when aliens rule our planet and runaway slave humans congregate in the sewers, trying to keep away from the watchful eyes of robot police, Del will seem a lot more "gangsta" and "hard" than Ice Cube.

10.) Robert Johnson - "Preaching Blues"
Great way to end this. My fourth year of college, we had a summer roommate named Catfish (named after the fish, not the pitcher). He got me into Robert Johnson, as he was taking a summer class on the famed blues guitarist/singer/wife beater.

Hey, don't get uppity with me - Johnson sings about beatin' his woman on nearly every song! On "Me and the Devil Blues," he notes, "I'm going to beat my woman til I get satisfied." God, I love this album.

Anyway, we used to listen to his Robert Johnson box set all the time. It was pretty great. Pretty great summer, actually, now that I think about it.

Alright, well that's that. Hope you weren't bored to tears. Shit, I enjoyed it, that's all that matters.

The Circus

This is what I'm talking about below, absolutely ridiculous "activist" bullshit from local idiots that only hurts kids.

They're trying to take the circus away from kids!

Now how is a new generation of kids supposed to develop an irrational fear of clowns?

Here's my favorite part of the article:

"To see a bear ride a bicycle, it is ridicule. You're really just laughing at that bear," said Mel Levine, a renowned pediatrician at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who has written numerous books about child behavior and the way children learn. "So the question is: What's the message you're giving to kids when you take them to the circus and they laugh at animals? I think to laugh at animals is to devalue them."

Hehehehehehehehehe!!! Seriously?? A bear on a bicycle!! Hehehehehe!!! I'm giggling like a schoolgirl just writing that! I need to get me to the circus if that's what's going on there!

Arlington

Before I get into what I've gotten on to write about, I just wanted to pass along another classic quote from my friend Mike, who's been a somewhat regular contributor to the Disgruntled Blog. He and I are in a fantasy baseball league together, and I was lucky enough to pick up the Red Sox's set up man - Hideki Okajima - for $1 (it's an auction league). Okajima is great because he provides a strikeout or two a game, a low ERA and WHIP, and the occasional spot win or save (he recorded the first win of the major league season this year). Bargain pickup at $1.

Anyway, got this in an email from Mike this morning:

"Also, I had some spare time and realized your boy Okajima has the perfect name to go with the Sanford and Son theme. Try it:

Okajima
Okajima is the man, Okajima
Okajima gets them out from the bullpen"

Next up, Al Qaeda's #2 says they do not kill innocent people. So, at least we don't have THAT to worry about anymore. What a relief!

So, Arlington, Virginia...

This morning, I was walking from a parking garage to the building where I work in Rosslyn, and as I was waiting for the light to change, a school bus pulls up just past the intersection. A large group of elementary school students were waiting by the side of the road, and as the bus pulled up, they moved slightly into the street to board the bus. As the bus stopped, its stop sign swung out on the left hand side, as all school buses do, requiring (by law) all cars behind the bus to stop and wait while the kids get on the bus. This, of course, is done primarily for the kids' safety.

Despite all of that, about six cars, full of road raged commuters, in the lanes in back of the bus decided to speed ahead - quite recklessly so I might add - shooting angry glances and obscene gestures at the school bus as they did so. The drivers seemed infuriated that the bus would stop in front of them. The school bus driver honked the horn incessently to indicate that, no, in fact they had to stop, but the cars kept going, until finally one car stopped and all the cars in back of it stopped as well. At this point the kids got on the bus, and after a minute of this, the bus's stop sign swung back, and the bus (and the cars in back of it) was on its way.

What struck me about this incident is not that it was unusual, but that it seemed totally par for the course in this area. I looked over at the other people waiting on the sidewalk with me, and though they clearly noticed what was taking place, they seemed totally unfazed by it.

And why not? Arlington is infamous for its drivers failing to yield to emergency vehicles, for example. I've witnessed this many times, and have also seen more drivers than not make turns or lane changes without looking (often while talking on their cell phones, in their SUV's or luxury cars).

But what's worse is that this problem is not confined to Arlington - it's actually more of a metro-DC phenomenom. I've been to many places around the country and around the world, and I've never (not even in Europe) seen such a self-centered group of assholes as I see on a daily basis in this area.

And it's not confined to drivers (though they are the worst). This weekend the Disgruntled Girlfriend and I had brunch at Teaism in Dupont Circle with her cousin. Her cousin is about six months pregnant, and definitely showing (the kid's a future linebacker, by the looks of it). Teaism was pretty crowded, and if you've been there before, you know there's not a plethora of seats there. Despite that, however, we saw many people finished with their meals/beverages, and were fairly confident that once we got our food, we'd be able to get a table.

Nope.

The people kept sitting there, occasionally glancing over at the very pregnant, probably uncomfortable (but good-natured about it) woman carrying her tray hoping for a seat. No one offered a seat, no one offered to get a door for her. Again, pretty par for the course in the area, but a good descriptive anecdote nonetheless.

My point in all of this is that I'm getting pretty fed up with things here. There are clearly too many people for the accomodations in the area (as evidenced by the traffic and total lack of parking, for one), and the people moving into the area seem to be trending more (not less) pretentious, uncaring, asshole. My boss thinks it's more of a "city" problem than a NoVa problem, but I'm not sure. Everywhere I go in this area, be it Arlington, Alexandria, DC, Southern Maryland (just kidding, I never go there), I'm surrounded by pricks who care more about being trendy, hipster, save-the-earth-by-eating-organic-because-I-can-afford-it than giving two shits about the person standing next to them. It's just getting tiring, is all.

All I'm saying is show some common courtesy other people. Please.

Me so disgruntled.

Random

So I'm reading War and Peace, by a Russian fellow named Leo Tolstoy. The version I'm reading (Oxford World's Classics, translated by Louise and Aylmer Maude) is about 1300 pages long. I mentioned to my boss (government boss) today that I'm attempting to read this book, and his response was, "What? Why? There's too many characters in that! You should just watch the movie!" If he thinks the book is long and tedious, how long and tedious would the movie be?!?!? Anyway, I'm on page 129, and the library book is due on April 8. By my calculations, I have to read 97.58 pages every day (starting tomorrow) in order to finish the book by the due date. I'm thinking I'll probably end up renewing it at least a couple times. I'm not only disgruntled, I'm pretty busy (and lazy) as well.

Speaking of which, there was a time when I used to post something nearly every day. Well, since I've switched job sites, I've gone from doing almost no work and having my own private office, to being swamped with work (albeit very interesting work) and working in a cubicle open to a very high traffic area. I can't post at work like I used to, and I especially can't post YouTube videos or other NSFW material. Big Brother is watching me in a big way - sometimes my cursor even moves on its own! So, anyway, that's my explanation for that.

Finally, two nights ago I went to see The Presidents of the United States of America at the 9:30 Club here in DC, with a friend of mine that I've known since before PUSA was even around. They were, as expected, incredibly fun, and put on one of the better shows I've been to. Afterwards, my friend (The Disgruntled Soldier, in case you were wondering) and I started talking about how crazy it was that we just saw a band that we would have loved to have seen back in 1995. A couple months ago, I saw Blind Melon at the State Theatre in Falls Church (new lead singer, of course), and it was both bizarre and very fulfilling. Anyway, so it got us thinking - what other bands would it be somewhat surreal to see, in the same manner that PUSA and Blind Melon (who were awesome live, btw, the new lead singer is enough like Shannon Hoon, and enough not like him, to make him a perfect new lead singer) was. Here's a partial list of the bands we came up with: Toadies, Collective Soul, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Crash Test Dummies, Coolio, Candlebox, Cracker. Man, it'd be crazy to see those guys live, kicking it like it was 1995. They could be introduced onstage by Dan Cortese! (Sorry, for the younger readers, this is Dan Cortese. Yes, it's true, even Dan Cortese has his own Wikipedia page. Here's a page with his picture.)

Finally finally, for those of you wondering about the screenplay for "Slumlord," I've got a very detailed full outline completed, and 12 pages of the actual screenplay written. My goal is to have a complete first draft by the end of April. Let me know if you want me to write you into the movie.

Gee! Disgruntled out.

Obama's Chief Concern: That The World Finds Out He Had A Boring Spring Break

So, here's the thing: you may have heard that the passport records of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain were recently accessed inappropriately by State Department contractors. Barack Obama (whose advisor happens to be these guys' EMPLOYER!!) has predictably exhibited faux outrage and blah blah blah Bush administration bad mmhhnnnn!!!

Oh wait, that's not the thing, that's the background.

Here's the thing:

I think I actually might know one of the guys involved in this affair, and I don't mean Hillary Clinton. Thing is, I used to work with someone who's now over in that office working for one of the companies mentioned, and, well, the thing is...

That line of work is a little boring.

I know this because I used to be (and as of a month and a half ago am currently) a State Department contractor. There tends to be the occasional downtime, and the occasional temptation to fuck around on the various databases available to us (for work purposes). I can neither confirm nor deny that people do things like, oh, I dunno, look up crazy ex-girlfriends on the databases (not passport). That would just be unprofessional.

So, Barack Hussein, here's the deal - rather than getting all up in arms over some bored contractor doing something that is clearly inappropriate, but in no ways political (trust me, if it's who I think it is, they are not doing any favors for the Bush administration), why don't you focus on more pressing matters. Like this!

And that's the gee truth!

This Is Just What The Robots Wanted Us To Believe...

Did he also program the robot to write a suicide note, laying the blame on himself and not the "mindless" robot? Right.

The first casualty in what will be a long war. Hide your medication, old people!!

(Alternate blog entry title: "Dr. Kedorkian")

From The Times Online...

Man, 81, kills himself with shot from 'suicide robot'
By: Fran Yeoman

An elderly man has killed himself by programming a robot to shoot him in the head after building the machine from plans downloaded from the internet.

Francis Tovey, 81, who lived alone in Burleigh Heads on the Australian Gold Coast, was found dead in his driveway.

According to the Gold Coast Bulletin, he had been unhappy about the demands of relatives living elsewhere in Australia that he should move out of his home and into care.

Notes left by Mr Tovey — who was born in England — revealed that he had scoured the internet for plans before constructing his complex machine, which involved a jigsaw power tool and was connected to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets. It could fire multiple shots once triggered remotely.

At 7am on Tuesday he set the robot up in the driveway of his £450,000 house and activated it.

His notes suggested that Mr Tovey chose to kill himself in the driveway because he knew there were workmen building a new house next door who would find his body.

The scheme worked, as carpenter Daniel Skewes heard gunshots and ran to Mr Tovey's home. "I thought I heard three shots and when we ran next door he was lying on the driveway with gunshot wounds to the head," Mr Skewes told the GCB.

A neighbour, who did not want to be named, told the newspaper that Mr Tovey had lived at his home on Gabrielle Grove since 1984. "He was a really marvellous man, an ideal neighbour and I will miss him greatly," she said.

"He was born in England, like I was, and we used to enjoy our tea together. He had visitors from England and family interstate from somewhere far away in Australia.

"There was no inkling of anything amiss, it is just very sad."

Prince Harry Pulls Out Early

If I was him, I'd be pretty pissed off at the media for this. The identity of soldiers deployed in war zones never gets revealed, unless they take pictures of prisoners naked or something.

It's an early entrant for Bullshit of the Year award.

On a lighter note, I think the future Disgruntled Son will be named Jock Stirrup.

From Yahoo!

By D'ARCY DORAN, Associated Press Writer

LONDON - Britain's defense chief decided Friday to immediately pull Prince Harry out of Afghanistan after news of his deployment was leaked on the U.S. Web site the Drudge Report.

Air Chief Marshal Jock Stirrup, chief of the Defense Staff, said he decided to withdraw the prince after senior commanders assessed the risks, the Defense Ministry said in a statement.

Harry, third in line to the British throne, has been serving on the front line with an army unit in Afghanistan's southern Helmand province since mid-December. He was originally due to return to Britain within weeks, but "the situation has now clearly changed," the statement said.

The decision was based on concerns that worldwide media coverage of Harry in Afghanistan could put him and his comrades at increased risk.

The ministry asked the media not to speculate on Harry's location — or how and when he would return — until he was back in Britain.

British officials had hoped to keep Prince Harry's deployment secret until he had safely returned, but they released video of him serving in Helmand Province after the leak appeared on the Drudge Report.

The ministry deplored the leak by "elements of the foreign media."

"However, this was a circumstance that we have always been aware of and one for which we have had contingency plans in place," the statement said.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the prince had demonstrated that he was an exemplary young officer. "The whole of Britain will be proud of the outstanding service he is giving," he said.

Harry, 23, is the first royal to serve in a combat zone since his uncle Prince Andrew flew helicopters during Britain's war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands in 1982.

Tours to Afghanistan usually last six months; Harry has served 10 weeks.

Harry conceded in an interview filmed last week that when he returns to Britain he could be a "top target" for Islamic terrorists.

"Once this ... comes out, every single person that supports them will be trying to slot me," he said.

The deployment plan had been disclosed to reporters, with no specific date, but was not reported previously because of an agreement between the Ministry of Defense and all major news organizations operating in Britain, including The Associated Press. The news blackout was intended to reduce the risk to the prince and his regiment.

Harry was supposed to go to Iraq with the Blues and Royals regiment in May last year but the assignment was canceled because of security fears. Iraqi insurgents made threats on Internet chat rooms, saying he would not make it home alive.

Harry trained at Sandhurst military academy and joined the Blues and Royals as a cornet, the cavalry regiment's equivalent of a second lieutenant. After being held back from his Iraq assignment, the prince threatened to quit the army if he was not given the chance to see combat.

Harry said his older brother, William, who also graduated from Sandhurst and is training as a military pilot, is jealous of his deployment. As Britain's likely future king, Prince William is unlikely ever to see combat.

Helmand province is where most of the 7,800 British soldiers in Afghanistan are based. It has seen some of the country's fiercest combat in recent years, with NATO-led forces fighting the Taliban and al-Qaida militants.

Harry's work in Afghanistan has involved calling in airstrikes on Taliban positions as well as going out on foot patrols. He spent part of his deployment at a base 500 yards from Taliban positions, the military said.

Since Harry's arrival, his battle group has been responsible for around 30 enemy deaths, a Ministry of Defense official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to release the information.

Video showed the prince in camouflage fatigues walking across arid and dusty terrain, calling in air support, firing a machine gun and patrolling the streets of Garmsir, the southernmost part of the province. He has since left Garmsir, and his current whereabouts are being kept secret.

Disgruntled Democracy

Well, the results are in, and the winner is: you can all go to hell.

I did, however, get some good ideas from some people, most notably the addition of the phrase, "asshole-deep," which I'll insert in some part of the dialogue, perhaps in the way the Blog. Gen. suggested.

I'm actually probably going to call the movie, "Slumlord." Or maybe, "Stinkgee Housegee." Kind of a toss-up.

Finally, in late-March, I'm going to be doing my first auction-style fantasy baseball draft. Has anyone here (besides Mike) ever done one of these? Any ideas? Bid $40 on Stinkgee McGee??

Finally finally, HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

A Somewhat New Medium

Holy shit, a new blog entry!?!?!?!

So the Disgruntled Investor has begun a new phase, doing something he's always wanted to do, but up to now has only mostly joked about doing - writing a screenplay based on the Disgruntled Investor's real estate/slumlord experiences. I've always thought that all of this crap is completely unbelievable (though true!), and having popped out my first attempt at a screenplay last year (about a guy who hates his job and decides to go around visiting haunted battlefields...yeah, it wasn't great, but it proved I could actually write one of these things), I've decided to give this a whirl.

So, I'll be working on that for the next month or two, and I'll update with any, um, updates. I'm planning on entering it into some screenwriting contests and/or sending it off to some agents. Basically, I'd like to do something worthwhile this year, and it's always been my disgruntled goal in life to write a screenplay and get it made into a movie. So, that's what's new with me.

Having said all that, the damn thing needs a title. I'm terrible at coming up with clever titles for anything I write, preferring instead to pilfer other people's clever ideas (thx MC Paul Barman for this post's title). So, I'm posting a poll (the blog's first!) on the sidebar. I've come up with a few ideas, and you can all vote on which one you think seems best. I'll also take suggestions, and add them to the poll if I like them enough. Remember, this movie is going to be based on all of the crazy shit that's happened with my failed attempts at selling the places, and the insane, phantom shitter, alcoholic, suicidal, etc., etc. tenants I've had, so keep that in mind with the titles. I'll use whichever one wins as my title. That's my pledge to you. Since I really only have two actual usable ideas (guess which ones!) I heartily encourage write-in entries.

Here's what I have so far:

"I'm So Glad" - kind of relates to my first scene, where the main character (based on the DI), pops a CD - specifically, Cream's "Fresh Cream" (good album) in and the song that comes up is "I'm So Glad." Anyway, it's a great song, and one that fits the general tone of the movie, I think

"The Disgruntled Investor" - because, you see, the movie is about a real estate INVESTOR, who, through various mishaps and shenanigans, becomes rather DISGRUNTLED

"I'm Gee!!" - just anticipating Ete Packley's write-in

Other - write-ins, again, gladly accepted

It'll be fun and interactive!

Gee...

Sell-Out, Part II??

So, after Rudy Giuliani's big loss in Florida (awesome strategy!), the Disgruntled Investor has run up against a bit of a moral quandry.

Rudy clearly is out of the race, and for the Republicans, a smaller field can only be good (you hear that Huckabee and Paul???) All along, my thought was I liked Rudy best, but McCain was a close second.

Well, the Disgruntled Investor cannot support a losing candidate (aside from, you know, real estate investing).

So, as of now, the Disgruntled Investor has officially shifted his coveted endorsement from Rudy Giuliani to John McCain.

John McCain in 2008!!

A System of Jacks and Palances

Today I just wanted to pass along a classic Onion article that's hilarious. Here's the link to it, or you can read it below. Enjoy!

New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances
June 27, 1998

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress.

Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three branches of the federal government–executive, legislative and judicial–with each branch keeping the other two in Jack.

The revised system, which goes into effect July 1, will take some power away from the three branches, and give more direct power to 72-year-old actor Jack Palance.

Specifically, before any bill is submitted before Congress, it must first be reviewed by Jack Palance. If passed by Palance and three-quarters of both houses of Congress, it must then be approved by the president. If signed by the president, it must again be reviewed by Jack Palance.

The Supreme Court then has the authority to call into question the legality of the law, but Jack Palance, in turn, can then overrule the high court if he believes the law is not Palanced.

In order to ensure that Jack Palance's power itself remains Palanced and Jacked, a special clause grants the president authority to veto his decisions, but only if the president can beat the veteran tough-guy actor at bare-knuckled fisticuffs, a feat which has occurred only twice in U.S. history, most recently in 1948.

"The system of Jacks and Palances is integral to the federal government's continued stability," said H. George Francona, Harvard University political science professor. "By tilting the scales of power away from the excesses of big government and placing more control in the hands of the gravel-voiced star of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, we can ensure Jack Palance's continued, central role well into the next century.

"Now you got all your holes dug," Palance said from his Washington, DC, office Monday

Sell-Out

So if I knew how to put audio clips on this, as soon as you started reading this post, you'd hear a trombone going "wah-wahhhhh", as if it was laughing at me.

The Disgruntled Investor, who promised earlier not to watch any more sports this year, has already watched sports. While recovering from some bad oysters (or too many good ones), I watched the AFC and NFC championship games. The reason?

There's not that much else to watch on TV.

Plus, I realized that it's not all sports that were letting me down, just my teams. So, despite laughter and derision from the Disgruntled Girlfriend about this, I've decided to revise my pledge, and just not watch UVA or the Redskins play. I've noticed that it's easy not to watch UVA (they're terrible in sports this year) and the Redskins (didn't make it far in the playoffs, so no accidental watching!). Plus, we're going to get some weiner coach thanks to Chainsaw Dan Snyder's ineptitude.

Anyway, so that's that. Just wanted to provide full disclosure here.

Coast-a Guard-a Coast-a Guard-a Come And Save My Ship!

"Hmm, it looks like the Disgruntled Investor hasn't posted anything in a long time," noted the Disgruntled Girlfriend yesterday.

"Alright, alright, I'll do something, Jesus..." I replied, while also noting that it's not like anyone reads this thing anyway.

"I read it! And the Daves, and Mike, and..."

"Yeah, exactly, who else?"

But, that's kind of a dick comment by me, so for the four or five readers of this blog, here's a bit of a super entry to make up for time lost. Oh, and by the way, I've been pretty damn busy lately - I usually do these things while I'm at work (such as, right now), and I've had a lot of actual work to do, so, anyway.

First off is a great quote I'd like to share from regular reader Mike, who's been featured here before. Mike recently saw "Transformers" and had this to say:

"I finally watched Transformers over the weekend and I really liked it except for one thing that really made me angry and I cant get over. You know the hottie girl in the movie? I looked her up on IMDB and I guess she was 21 when the movie came out. Which is fine. But in her bio it said that she lives with her fiancé' BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN!!!!! What the F! He is my age (ed. note: 86) and he is washed up. How does he get or even meet her? Was she a 90210 fan growing up? Was she like 8 and fell in love him? I'm sorry, I cant get over this at all. Maybe it's like a Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing and he brainwashed her? This has been bothering me since Saturday night, so I had to rant since you liked the movie so much."

Next up comes from a conversation the DG and I had yesterday regarding the Coast Guard and movies. My dad (the Disgruntled Dad?) is a former Coast Guard Captain, so I think this is how the topic came up. Anyway, we realized that there haven't been many movies that featured the Coast Guard in any meaningful way. Sure, it was given star treatment thanks to Ashton ("I Really Just Want To Be Close To You, Bruce") Kutcher and Kevin ("I'll Take It!") Costner in The Guardian, and the DG noted that some movie called, Yours, Mine, and Ours, starring the encouragable Dennis Quaid as a Coast Guard Admiral, apparently exists as well, but other than that I couldn't name a single other Coastie movie.

Anyway, so it turns out there are over 50 movies that feature the Coast Guard, at least in some capacity! I stumbled across this great website, which also has some old movie posters, and shows that even John Wayne has portrayed a Coastie! Crazy, shows how much I know. Anyway, it's an interesting site, check it out.

Alright, I guess that's all I got for now, I'll be better about posting. Probably.

President Awesome Beard and Vice President Mutton Chops

As anyone who follows media coverage of the presidential primaries knows, Mike "Gomer Pyle" Huckabee and Barack "Osama" Obama (alternative nickname, "Dumbo Ears") have secured the Republican and Democratic Party nominations, respectively. This is because Iowa holds all of the necessary party delegates, as evidenced by the large amount of coverage given to such a usually uninfluential state. How did Iowa and New Hampshire, the two most irrelevant states in the United States, get to decide the major parties' nominees? Who knows, but that's the way it is, so you have to suck it up, bitch.

Anyway, so the Disgruntled Investor is disappointed in the two choices we have for president, as he is every year. Even if Michael Bloomberg decides to run, that still won't reverse the fact that the single most important factor in a successful presidency has been missing for about 100 years:

Awesome facial hair.

The only candidate right now who even comes close is Alan Keyes, with a pretty good black man moustache, but it's hardly a consolation to those of us who appreciate a good beard. I'd even settle for some good mid-19th century mutton chops at this point, but, alas, as the Disgruntled Girlfriend tells me, facial hair is out. That's funny, because that's not what she told me earlier...

To prove my point, here are some of the best beards or facial hair on the best U.S. Presidents (who, by definition, are judged by the hair on their faces):

1.) 1880 - Best Hairy Ticket Award - James Garfield (Pres.)/ Chester A. Arthur (VP)


If there was a facial hair Hall of Fame, there would be a bronze statue of Chester A. Arthur outside. I mean, take a look at that incredible mutton chop sideburn stache! Just stellar. In 1880, Arthur ran as the running mate to James Garfield, who had spent many years growing the kind of beard that you would expect a bird to be living in. This beard style enjoyed a brief resurgence following its appearance as Kevin McAllister's weird neighbor in the first "Home Alone."

2.) The Beard That Won The War Award - Ulysses S. Grant, 1868-1877


Some might argue that President Grant's administration was among the most corrupt and scandalous in United States history, but I say the only scandal is that he wasn't allowed to continue his Presidency for the rest of his natural life...and beyond. Grant had a solid beard, with really good coverage. I bring this up because certain friends of mine have problems growing beards. Not that it stops them at all, but when they do try to grow it in, it ends up patchy in certain areas, and they end up looking like lepers or homeless people. Actually, most homeless guys I see have pretty stellar beards as well, so scratch that comparison.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Grant had a really good beard. And he won the Civil War. What did you ever do with your life?

3.) The Rutherford B. Hayes Beard Award...

...Goes to (opening envelope) - RUTHERFORD B. HAYES!!


4.) The *Asterisk* Best Beard Award - Abraham Lincoln - 1860-1865

See, this is why Abe gets an *asterisk, much like Barry Bonds' home run ball. When he ran for (and won) the presidency in 1860, he looked like this. Nothing impressive about that at all, which is, of course, why the South seceded. And why the North was losing the shit out of the Civil War early on. Who can get inspired by that naked weak chin?? (Not that Jefferson Davis had much going on either, to be fair, but at least he looked like Skeletor, and had a little hipster goatee!)

No, the Lincoln Presidency didn't really define itself until he started getting the now recognizable scraggly beard that defined his overall mental patient appearance.

That beard saved the nation. Should be a lesson to all.

5.) Finally, the Last Beard Award - Benjamin Harrison - 1888

No, that's not Colonel Sanders, that's our last bearded President, Benjamin Harrison, who was famous for something called the McKinley Tariff. And, evidently, for killing off the prestige of the beard. Maybe he shouldn't get an award.

-Honorary Still Holding On Award - William Henry Taft - 1908

Taft was our last President with facial hair...OF ANY KIND! He's got a really good Wild West villain moustache, which gets him this honorary award. Plus, he was our fattest President, which is pretty great as well.

But, seriously, it's been 100 years since facial hair went out of style on Presidents?!?!? Unacceptable, especially since it hasn't gone out of style with us commoners. I, for one, long for the golden age of the mid to late 1800's, when our Presidents were hairy and Congressmen beat the shit out of each other with their walking canes.

Now it looks like our best hope for a President with facial hair is Hillary!

My New Year's Resolution

So, clearly it's been a while since I've posted on here, and for that, I apologize. I'm not sure who is still even checking the site to see if I still care, but I do. I've just been taking a bit of a vacation.

Anyway, I'd like to post my one monumental New Year's resolution. Now, it is true, I do have some minor resolutions - chiefly among them being to reduce my (real estate driven) debt and increase my (real estate depleted) savings, and also to get myself in better physical shape. But, none are as potentially life-changing as this one:

I'm not going to watch a single sports game on TV for the rest of the year.

This includes professional, college, high school, pee-wee, or stick drawings. Not a single one. Fuck televised sports, that's my mantra for 2008.

Now, I will still watch the occasional event in person - I have to include this in here, since I will be attending at least 10 Washington Nationals games this year. But, I will not watch them on TV.

I will also be watching Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. But that's it. Nationals games in person at the stadium, and Women's Beach Volleyball in the Olympics. The sole two exceptions to my resolution. The Nats games are already paid for and planned, and Women's Beach Volleyball...well, c'mon, I'm not watching them for the competitive aspect.

As I write this, there are about 2 minutes left in the Redskins/Seahawks wild card playoff game, and the Redskins are down two touchdowns. They were up 14-13 with about 6 minutes left to play in this game. Then the Disgruntled Investor Collorary kicked in - any team I support is going to crash and burn. I have turned that game off, and do not plan on turning it back on, so I have no idea how it ended (prediction, Redskins lost). This also happened a week ago, as UVA blew a 21-7 lead to lose the Gator Bowl, thanks in no small part to ACC Coach of the Year Al Groh's STELLAR playcalling. There's nothing quite like helplessly watching your coach (or your coach's son in this case) calling for a passing play on 1st (or 2nd) down with 3 minutes left in the game, with the lead, backed up deep in your own territory, with a freshman QB in the game who looks like he's 12 years old. You know what's going to happen, but, shit, what the fuck can you do?

And there's the rub.

Why put myself through this shit anymore? I've spent my life dealing with this. I've watched the Braves dominate the regular season, then choke in the postseason. I've watched UVA football squander countless future NFL FIRST ROUND draft picks, I've watched UVA basketball continue to eschew any inside game YEAR AFTER YEAR, and, predictably, fail miserably at some point in the season (this season features a rare EARLY set of failures!) I've watched Gilbert Arenas get hurt at some crucial point in the season. Honestly, that's it. I'm done with this. I'm taking a year-long sports vacation.

So, apart from a few Nationals games where I'm actually at the stadium watching what is essentially a meaningless regular season game, and apart from ogling over the Swedish Women's Beach Volleyball team in Beijing (do they have beaches there??), I will not watch another sporting event until January 5, 2009.

And that's a promise.

P.S. This includes checking sports scores online during the games - a technicality the Disgruntled Girlfriend pointed out, while subsequently noting (along with the Disgruntled Childhood Friend) that I have no chance of pulling this off. F That, No Sports (except which I've previously noted) until 1/5/09 (if not later!).